The Nerdiest Blog in the Universe

You know, selling toys and video games for a living can hurt your outlook on life. So many kids are obnoxious, loud, messy and spoiled that I sometimes think, "This is our future? Good Lord, we're doomed." But the other day I noticed something while cleaning up the action figures. See, we started selling "G.I. Joe" and "Transformers" toys over the summer. As you'd expect, the aisle containing them is the messiest in the whole department. And as I cleaned the area the other night, I realized that the COBRA and Decepticon toys way outnumbered the Joes and Autobots. For those of you not engrossed in geek culture, COBRA and Decepticons are the villains of the G.I. Joe and Transformers franchises, respectively. Not only that, but I see the exact same figures on the shelves every day. The truth is that we can't sell them, because everybody bought the toys they wanted already (The Joes and Autobots, the heroes of the two series). Call me sentimental, but I felt a little hopeful knowing that, despite how annoying the kids at work can be, they still want to side with the good guys.

What I've Decided

Hi everybody (at least the two of you who will actually read this). I'm no longer going to apologize for the lack of posts, because there will no longer be weekly updates. I'll still post here once in a while, though my focus won't simply be humor. I've had a lot of free time lately, and I've been using it to improve my skills beyond just writing. I still love making people laugh more than almost anything else in the world, but I want to try to do so through other media.

Peace out.

Jim on Green Day on Cracked

Hey everybody! I've been playing around with Photoshop for a long time now, and thought that I'd combine my love for the software with my undying hatred for a particular band (click the image for the full size):


You can also see this at the humor site Cracked.com. As much as I'd like to take full credit for the page, the flowchart was my only contribution. The rest the bitingly funny article was written by Furlinator.

It's Just Bad

So I saw Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen yesterday. It made me glad that I never saw the cartoon series growing up, because I'm pretty sure if I had I'd be even more enraged at how poorly it was written. I suppose there is a "plot" of sorts, but so much action is crammed into this movie that trying to squeeze a story in would distract the audience from all the product placements.

But today's long-overdue post isn't about the new Transformers, as I'm pretty sure I can't say anything that hasn't been said already. Today we'll be talking about a burrito, because Taco Bell, much like Michael Bay, has a tendency to come up with really bad ideas.

What I'm referring to is the Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito. As you can probably guess, it's a beef burrito with cheese, potatos, bacon, and sour cream. When I first heard of this monstrosity, I wondered what the thought process was behind this product. I mean, how did the food scientists at Taco Bell pitch this idea to the marketing department?

"Okay, so everyone likes burritos, right?"

"Right."

"Well, we just thought it would be totally awesome if we crammed a baked potato in there."

"That sounds a lot like something a drunken frat boy would say as he was being escorted to the emergency room."

"Well, yeah, I guess you're right. We'll start ov-"

"And the drunken frat boy market is exactly who we're trying to reach. Have a bonus."

Congratulations, Taco Bell. You managed to make a product that even I, with my unhealthy addiction to fast food, refuse to eat.

I WIN

We've all worked in a lousy retail job for an hourly wage. And we've all found something that is, shall we say, out of place while performing cleaning duties. Driver's licenses, keys, half-eaten food, various forms of birth control, and many other items that we'll either forget about or wish we could (I know one person who was unfortunate enough to clean human feces from a movie theater floor).

However, no matter how odd, fantastic, or disgusting these items may be, nobody can beat what was found on the floor at my place of work yesterday. All other horrific workplace finds must now bow down to vomit-inducing tragicomedy of my electronics department. So just in case it's not already clear, we win. We found a corpse of a dead bird in the CDs.

Well, I suppose it would be inaccurate to say it was a corpse. It was more like the mangled remains of half a corpse.

I know, I didn't believe it myself at first. A coworker (we'll call him Rafe) was the first to spot it, and brought it up while we were reorganizing the auto supplies. The conversation went something like this:

Rafe: "Hey, did you know there's a dead bird over by the CDs?"
Me: "What? No way."
Rafe: "Seriously. I saw it over there."
Me: "It was probably a stuffed animal somebody left there."
Rafe: "I dunno man. It has feathers and everything."
Me: "Then it was a stuffed bird animal."
Rafe: "I'm not sure. It looks pretty real."
Me: "Fine. Take me to this 'dead bird.'"
Coworker: "Ok."

So he took me over to the CDs, and after about thirty seconds of inspection, the remainder of our conversation went like this:

Me: "Wow. That's a dead bird alright."
Rafe: "Yep."

Be assured that the carcass was properly cleaned after that. But that still leaves the question of how and why this poor dead animal got to where it was. It's not like the electronics department is right by the glass doors in front and it smacked into one. Somebody had to carry this thing all the way to the back of the store. And it's not like it was just sitting there. Somebody went to the trouble to thoroughly mash this thing into the floor right between Lady Gaga and The Fray (though whether their music has anything to do with this remains to be seen).

My theory right now is that this bird owed somebody money. Maybe he was some guy's bookie and he got involved with the wrong folks. So then the client hired some muscle to go break his legs, and then things got out of hand when the bird pulled a knife out. Hey, it makes as much sense as anythign else that happens at work.