Just in time!

Alright, so the update's a little bit late, but hey, I still got it done on Thursday, as promised.

You've undoubtedly heard about what's happened to Paris Hilton (rather what she's brought upon herself), and you probably already know how I feel about the media coverage the situation has received.

We all know what typically happens to people who partake in Ms. Hilton's "live fast, die young" lifestyle. They, well, die young. In order to prepare you all for the tragic day when America's favorite spoiled brat finally kicks the bucket, I would like to present to you:

Jim's List of Paris Hilton's Potential Deaths

Scenario #1
Date: Jun. 8, 2007
Location: California State Prison cafeteria or showers
Cause: Three days into Hilton's jail sentence, another prisoner, most likely one of her cell mates, will kill her with a shank (possibly a sharpened spoon or a length of electrical wire). The culprit will be motivated by either the potential of fame or frustration with Hilton's whiny, spoiled attitude.

Scenario #2
Date: July 21, 2007
Location: A Los Angeles night club.
Cause: In celebration of her release from prison, Paris will go out to party with her friends. And I mean really party. She will get wasted beyond belief. Of course, there will be extensive media coverage of Hilton's release. In a drunken stupor, Paris will attempt to start a fight with one of the news cameras. Upon throwing a punch, her fist will strike a cable, electrocuting her.

Scenario #3
Date: Jan. 1, 2008
Location: On the couch of a boyfriend or male celebrity's New York City Penthouse.
Cause: After passing out drunk on a couch during a New Year's Eve party, another party guest will mistake her artificially tanned skin for his or her leather coat. In the guest's attempt to wear her, Paris's frail spine will snap in half. The other guest, in embarrassment, will place her back on the couch and offer to get her another drink, not realizing what has transpired until the news reports begin the next morning.

Scenario #4
Date: Sometime in 2010
Location: Hilton's limousine
Cause: On a suggestion from a friend, Hilton gives her chihuahua a hit of ecstasy. The dog subsequently loses its mind, tearing Paris's face off.

Scenario #5
Date: Between Jan.-Mar. of 2012
Location: A hotel bathroom
Cause: Pretty much the same as Anna Nicole Smith, Chris Farley, and John Belushi. The only difference is that the last two were actually talented.

Scenario # 6 (the least likely, but nicest, scenario)
Date: Circa 2050
Location: Bed
Cause: At age 35, Paris Hilton will realize that she has been leading a shallow, self-centered life. She commits herself to developing talents and learning the benefits of hard work. She begins using her fame to promote charities and other good causes. After living a full, worthwhile life, Paris Hilton dies peacefully in her sleep around age 75.