They're not getting my brain!

One of the things I do when I’m not swamped with homework or my other various side-projects is formulate my zombie plans; that is, my plans for when the dead rise from their eternal slumber to devour us all. I realized long ago that if I ever want to survive a zombie outbreak, I need to be prepared.

It is important to have multiple plans for a zombie infestation, because the undead take many forms. So for those who are unfamiliar with this concept, I’ll outline the main categories of the walking dead:

Romero (Night of the Living Dead and sequels): Romero zombies are a lot like my old roommate: slow, stupid, and hungry (except my old roommate was just really high all the time). Romero zombies are born from the corpses of the recently deceased. Also, if someone gets bitten by one, it initiates the transformation. The only way to “kill” Romero zombies is through severe brain trauma. They’re also really spooky.

Lame Remake (Dawn of the Dead): The Lame Remake zombies are based loosely on the Romeros. They’re undead, and everyone who dies will eventually become one. You can kill them the same way you would Romeros. The main difference is that these guys are fast, making them much more dangerous. Unfortunately, they’re just not that scary in that movie, and the acting was really bad.

Infected (28 Days Later and sequel): Infected zombies aren’t actually dead. Instead, they’re infected with a virus that makes them insane and violent (hence their name). You can kill them just like any other human, and they need food and water to survive. Like the Lame Remake zombies, they’re fast. Something about this virus gives them gazelle-like speed and reflexes, almost rivaling those of Spider-Man (he wasn’t in 28 Days Later, but wouldn’t it be awesome if he was?). The virus is also very contagious. If you get scratched, touch their blood, or try to make out with one, you’re infected. I never saw this movie, but I heard it was good.

All three classifications share the same strengths. They’re tireless, reproduce quickly, and have sheer numbers. And even though they’re mindless, bloodthirsty monsters, they somehow know the difference between other undead (or infected) and us.

My zombie plan mainly applies to the Romero zombies. I really can’t run fast at all, so if we get attacked by the Lame Remakes or Infected, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die. Now, if the initial outbreak were to occur near my hometown, I’d pretty much have to just turn off the lights and close the blinds in my house for a few days. Even though my town is densely populated, my particular neighborhood is so quiet and unknown that the zombies would eventually get bored and fall asleep. After that, it’s really just a matter of bashing their heads in with a shovel.

Real problems would arise if the dead started attacking my school in Macon. Not only is the campus full of people who could become undead, most of those left living would probably be very loud and obnoxious. While most people would say that the best idea is to hole up inside the local Wal-Mart, that’s just the problem: most people say it’s the best idea. Lest we forget that in times of disaster, major stores get mobbed by looters. The living would be a greater threat than the dead. Instead, I’m going to go to the least appealing place imaginable: Plunkett Hall dormitory.

Plunkett Hall was built on Mercer University in the 1970s. It was built to temporarily deal with rapidly rising enrollment, and was supposed to be demolished in a few years. In 2007, it is still standing as the freshmen male dorm. Plunkett Hall is filthy, smelly, and full miscreants. It’s also possibly the sturdiest civilian building ever constructed. So, assuming that Plunkett isn’t the source of the zombie outbreak, I’ll ally myself with an RA and hole up in there. I’ll use the RA’s universal key to get into all of the rooms, weeding out the zombies and hoarding uneaten ramen. Living freshmen will be recruited by the RA and me in order to help us barricade the entrances, or be used as meat shields should the zombies actually get inside the building. We’ll stay in Plunkett until January, when the temperature finally falls below freezing. The zombies will freeze, thus allowing the survivors to move to another location. Then…well, I don’t really know what happens after that. Maybe we’ll all go to McDonald’s or something.