Go, green!

Don't let the title of this post fool you. I'm not some granola-smoking hippie trying to get you all to stop global warming or join PETA or anything. You see, there is a comma in that title, as in, "Go away, green!"

I have decided to join the army of respectable citizens involved in the destruction of the environment. Sure, it can be beneficial occasionally, but doesn't the environment tend to do more harm than good? I recently saw a video (not for the faint of heart) that showed me the truth about Mother Nature: she is a vicious, manipulative, soulless witch.

For those of you who might not have the stomach to watch the video, it's from a nature documentary in which parasitic worms invade a snail's mind. They then force the snail into danger so it will be eaten by a predator, at which point the worms will invade and reproduce inside the new host.

My first thoughts after seeing this video were along the lines of, "HOLY $#@%!!!! THOSE WORMS TOOK OVER A SNAIL'S %*&#ING BRAIN!!!" This, my friends, is living proof that we need to stop the environment now. If we don't take action, who knows how many supervillains will try to get their hands on mind-controlling worms? Hasn't Dead Rising taught us anything?! When you allow creatures like this to exist, eventually some bio-terrorist gets his hands on them, and BAM! We're neck-deep in zombies. Is that what you "Save the Earth" hippies want? Well, let me introduce you to a new philosophy that I intend to follow diligently. I call it, "Stop the zombies. Kill the environment."

I don't really want to bang on drums all day, either

It’s that time of week again, and I’m totally swamped. I wanted to write some insightful satire today, but due to the high volume of work I need to get done this week, I’ve decided to give you a look at one of the things I do in my spare time, however small that amount of time is.

My dad has a hobby. He travels a lot for his job, and has to eat at a lot of restaurants. For some reason, he likes to collect packs of matches from many of them. Over the years, he’s accumulated quite a collection from all around the country. My dad doesn’t smoke, so I can only imagine that he keeps so many packs just in case he needs to start a lot of fires in a hurry. I decided he wouldn’t miss a couple packs, so I brought some to Macon in order to perform some scientific experiments. The end result is this list:

Things that are Unexpectedly Flammable

• Ear Wax: Rest assured that the wax wasn’t in anyone’s ear when I ignited it. Not the most interesting burn in the world, and it smells kind of like a flaming centipede (and yes, they do have a distinct smell).
• Kneaded Eraser: There’s a special kind of eraser that some artists use called a “kneaded” eraser (also known as a “putty” eraser). This burns with a medium-sized flame, and is fairly self-sustaining.
  
• Toenail Clippings: These only burn as long as you hold a flame to them. It’s not all that interesting, and it smells pretty bad. The nails curl up onto a neat semi-spiral pattern.
  
• Orange Tic Tacs: Even though you need to hold a flame right up to one to make it burn, the effect is pretty neat. They burn pretty well, like a small version of a blowtorch.
  
• Chewed Gumballs: Note that I use the qualifier, “chewed.” That’s because when I tried to light a fresh gumball on fire, it wouldn’t catch. But after I chewed it for a while, it lit up like a sparkler. The goo that was left over almost fused to my hand, though.
  
• Bellybutton Lint: The type of burn varies. It’s sometimes small and dim, but other times it’s bright and fast. The smell, however, much like nearly everything else on this list, is terrible.
  

The list doesn’t have to end here. Is there anything you know of that’s unexpectedly flammable? Share your fun-filled stories!

There was a time when I didn't want to work

Time to write something personal for once. I don’t normally like to write about stuff that happens to me unless it involves adventures with superheroes or extra terrestrials. But since things like that never actually occur, I’m usually forced to either make things up or tell everyone my opinions on various issues (which, ironically, aren’t all that interesting either). So today I'm going to write about my endeavor to break into the broadcast and print entertainment industries.

My odds of interning anywhere at Turner have been reduced to somewhere between jack and squat. I was scheduled for a phone interview, but it turned out that I had been corresponding with the wrong recruiter for about three months. My desperate attempts to get in touch with the correct representative afterwards failed miserably, so I’m trying to fall back on my other prospects.

I applied for an intern position at Georgia Public Broadcasting, but I have no idea on when or if I will get a call back. This position is actually paid, meaning that I should probably form an opinion on the recent Federal budget cuts.

I’ve also sent my resume to Shiny Red Ball Publishing, a small company that produces children’s books. I got a call from the editor, and I’ll probably be going to one of their staff meetings. Perhaps they’ll let me pitch my currently developing story, The Little Engine that Tried Really Hard, but then Decided to Give Up and Just Watch TV.

I missed the annual Media Day at school yesterday, even though I was signed up to work at the Mercer 99 table. I didn’t realize this fact until the event had already been over for several hours, at which point I let out a horrible growl on par with what I imagine a Sasquatch would sound like.

I’ll also be attending a broadcasting career workshop on Saturday morning. I honestly don’t know if there will be anything to do besides listen to panelists and eat bagels, but it’s free, it gets me out of my room, and I just may find an executive to suck up to and beg for a job.

My final plan for getting hired involves an observation I made while eating the only pint of Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream ice cream that my school had in stock (it’s delicious, by the way). You see, I’ve realized something: people will do anything that Stephen Colbert tells them. Think about it: Americone Dream has only been out for a couple of months, and it’s already the top-selling Ben & Jerry’s flavor this year. The man almost got a bridge in Hungary named after him when he told his viewers to vote for it. So if I want to get hired at a major or minor media outlet, all I have to do is get Stephen Colbert to announce my availability for employment on his show.

So Stephen, if you somehow get this message, I’m going to make you a deal: I promise to spread the spirit of the Colbert Nation throughout the campus of Mercer University via its closed-circuit television station next semester if you will simply display this image on your show:

Thank you, and may God bless the Colbert Nation. Prospective employers in particular.

Not much right now

I've been really busy this week, so no new post today. I promise I've got something funny for next week in the works, though. Check out Jim's Favorites and my latest Newgrounds Audio in the meantime.