They're not getting my brain!

One of the things I do when I’m not swamped with homework or my other various side-projects is formulate my zombie plans; that is, my plans for when the dead rise from their eternal slumber to devour us all. I realized long ago that if I ever want to survive a zombie outbreak, I need to be prepared.

It is important to have multiple plans for a zombie infestation, because the undead take many forms. So for those who are unfamiliar with this concept, I’ll outline the main categories of the walking dead:

Romero (Night of the Living Dead and sequels): Romero zombies are a lot like my old roommate: slow, stupid, and hungry (except my old roommate was just really high all the time). Romero zombies are born from the corpses of the recently deceased. Also, if someone gets bitten by one, it initiates the transformation. The only way to “kill” Romero zombies is through severe brain trauma. They’re also really spooky.

Lame Remake (Dawn of the Dead): The Lame Remake zombies are based loosely on the Romeros. They’re undead, and everyone who dies will eventually become one. You can kill them the same way you would Romeros. The main difference is that these guys are fast, making them much more dangerous. Unfortunately, they’re just not that scary in that movie, and the acting was really bad.

Infected (28 Days Later and sequel): Infected zombies aren’t actually dead. Instead, they’re infected with a virus that makes them insane and violent (hence their name). You can kill them just like any other human, and they need food and water to survive. Like the Lame Remake zombies, they’re fast. Something about this virus gives them gazelle-like speed and reflexes, almost rivaling those of Spider-Man (he wasn’t in 28 Days Later, but wouldn’t it be awesome if he was?). The virus is also very contagious. If you get scratched, touch their blood, or try to make out with one, you’re infected. I never saw this movie, but I heard it was good.

All three classifications share the same strengths. They’re tireless, reproduce quickly, and have sheer numbers. And even though they’re mindless, bloodthirsty monsters, they somehow know the difference between other undead (or infected) and us.

My zombie plan mainly applies to the Romero zombies. I really can’t run fast at all, so if we get attacked by the Lame Remakes or Infected, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die. Now, if the initial outbreak were to occur near my hometown, I’d pretty much have to just turn off the lights and close the blinds in my house for a few days. Even though my town is densely populated, my particular neighborhood is so quiet and unknown that the zombies would eventually get bored and fall asleep. After that, it’s really just a matter of bashing their heads in with a shovel.

Real problems would arise if the dead started attacking my school in Macon. Not only is the campus full of people who could become undead, most of those left living would probably be very loud and obnoxious. While most people would say that the best idea is to hole up inside the local Wal-Mart, that’s just the problem: most people say it’s the best idea. Lest we forget that in times of disaster, major stores get mobbed by looters. The living would be a greater threat than the dead. Instead, I’m going to go to the least appealing place imaginable: Plunkett Hall dormitory.

Plunkett Hall was built on Mercer University in the 1970s. It was built to temporarily deal with rapidly rising enrollment, and was supposed to be demolished in a few years. In 2007, it is still standing as the freshmen male dorm. Plunkett Hall is filthy, smelly, and full miscreants. It’s also possibly the sturdiest civilian building ever constructed. So, assuming that Plunkett isn’t the source of the zombie outbreak, I’ll ally myself with an RA and hole up in there. I’ll use the RA’s universal key to get into all of the rooms, weeding out the zombies and hoarding uneaten ramen. Living freshmen will be recruited by the RA and me in order to help us barricade the entrances, or be used as meat shields should the zombies actually get inside the building. We’ll stay in Plunkett until January, when the temperature finally falls below freezing. The zombies will freeze, thus allowing the survivors to move to another location. Then…well, I don’t really know what happens after that. Maybe we’ll all go to McDonald’s or something.

It's too bad I don't drink

I've honestly had and extremely stressful week, and haven't really been able to find anything humorous about it. Until next week, check out Jim's Favorites.

2 minutes late!

Wow, it's weird that I keep leaving these posts to the very last minute every Thursday, especially since I don't do much else during the average week.

Well, I'd like to talk about online message boards (also known as bulletin boards or forums) this week. If personal websites are the mentally deficient offspring of the Internet, then message boards are the criminally insane ones.

For the uninitiated out there, online message boards are meant to foster discussion about issues that are important to their members. The key term here is "meant." In reality, most discussions start out with comments like this one taken from the Newgrounds boards:

Author: Withheld
Topic: Is this healthy?
Posting date: 5/17/07

"I am really hungry so i went to Wendy's and bought a double Quarter pounder with bacon on it
fries, and two Homestyle chicken burgers all for myself plus coke for a drink. I'm trying to gain weight because i am going to start working out soon. LOL i spent 17.00 on this XD
have you guys done stuff like this?"

Or this one from The Legendary Lilypad (a flash animation board):

Author: withheld
Topic: Should George W. Bush Be Re-elected (poll)?
Posting date: 5/7/07

"You know what this is !! The Presidential Elections are coming out soon ... and I'm not too sure , but I've heard that some woman is trying to run against Bush for the election . Now the forums can debate on how good a job Bush does , and for 1 month you can vote on your opinion ( The " don't care " option is gone for this poll . If you don't care , leave D: ) ! So do you think George W. Bush is a good president , and should be re-elected or not ?

I don't think he should be re-elected because George W. Bush is the retard baby of 2 special education chimps that Ashton Kutcher dressed in a President suit as a joke . A sick , sick joke !!!"

Now, I don't claim to be the smartest man in the world...but people like these two guys make me wonder if some people should need a license to breed.

Just in time!

Alright, so the update's a little bit late, but hey, I still got it done on Thursday, as promised.

You've undoubtedly heard about what's happened to Paris Hilton (rather what she's brought upon herself), and you probably already know how I feel about the media coverage the situation has received.

We all know what typically happens to people who partake in Ms. Hilton's "live fast, die young" lifestyle. They, well, die young. In order to prepare you all for the tragic day when America's favorite spoiled brat finally kicks the bucket, I would like to present to you:

Jim's List of Paris Hilton's Potential Deaths

Scenario #1
Date: Jun. 8, 2007
Location: California State Prison cafeteria or showers
Cause: Three days into Hilton's jail sentence, another prisoner, most likely one of her cell mates, will kill her with a shank (possibly a sharpened spoon or a length of electrical wire). The culprit will be motivated by either the potential of fame or frustration with Hilton's whiny, spoiled attitude.

Scenario #2
Date: July 21, 2007
Location: A Los Angeles night club.
Cause: In celebration of her release from prison, Paris will go out to party with her friends. And I mean really party. She will get wasted beyond belief. Of course, there will be extensive media coverage of Hilton's release. In a drunken stupor, Paris will attempt to start a fight with one of the news cameras. Upon throwing a punch, her fist will strike a cable, electrocuting her.

Scenario #3
Date: Jan. 1, 2008
Location: On the couch of a boyfriend or male celebrity's New York City Penthouse.
Cause: After passing out drunk on a couch during a New Year's Eve party, another party guest will mistake her artificially tanned skin for his or her leather coat. In the guest's attempt to wear her, Paris's frail spine will snap in half. The other guest, in embarrassment, will place her back on the couch and offer to get her another drink, not realizing what has transpired until the news reports begin the next morning.

Scenario #4
Date: Sometime in 2010
Location: Hilton's limousine
Cause: On a suggestion from a friend, Hilton gives her chihuahua a hit of ecstasy. The dog subsequently loses its mind, tearing Paris's face off.

Scenario #5
Date: Between Jan.-Mar. of 2012
Location: A hotel bathroom
Cause: Pretty much the same as Anna Nicole Smith, Chris Farley, and John Belushi. The only difference is that the last two were actually talented.

Scenario # 6 (the least likely, but nicest, scenario)
Date: Circa 2050
Location: Bed
Cause: At age 35, Paris Hilton will realize that she has been leading a shallow, self-centered life. She commits herself to developing talents and learning the benefits of hard work. She begins using her fame to promote charities and other good causes. After living a full, worthwhile life, Paris Hilton dies peacefully in her sleep around age 75.

Time for righteous outrage

The following post is not funny. At least, it shouldn't be. If you do think it's funny, you should really reexamine your outlook on life.

Facebook was blocked by Mercer University earlier today. Nobody using an on-campus connection was able access the website. Rumor has it that this is due to a group called, "The New Meal Plan Requirements are Unacceptable." This group is made up of students (including me) protesting the significantly more expensive meal plan requirements, as well as the sneaky way Mercer is going about implementing them (the new requirements are posted on the meal plan web site, but no announcement has been made through the post office or email, as is customary). I do not know if the rumors are true, but I have confirmed that the site was in fact blocked earlier.

Fortunately, Facebook is now accessible. I'm still ticked off about the meal plan, though. While I'm not affected by the changes, I know that other people who paid $500 extra for kitchen facilities will still have to pay the additional $2000.