I work really hard

Since my search for an internship began in January, I dreamed of someday getting a position where I could write for television. And after nearly two solid weeks of doing nothing but alphabetize tapes at the ABC affiliate where I work, that day finally came.

I don’t write “exciting” things like TV scripts. The kind of writing I’ve been doing is called “ad copy.” Ad copy is the script for narration heard on TV and radio commercials.

My first assignment was to write the copy for four-second spots (a “spot” is a general term for a length of time) between the regular commercials. You know those commercials where you see a station’s logo and a voice says, “Stay tuned for news at eleven on this station”? That’s the stuff I wrote.

Writing four seconds of content is hard. Extremely hard. I’d much rather write an hour of material than four seconds. With an hour, you can at least say more of what you want. With four seconds, there’s little to no room for creativity. Having to write in all capital letters is also annoying (for some reason it’s the standard format). I tried my best, and after a few hours I managed to come up with copy for all but one of the spots for the 2007 fall season. Even with the time limitation, I tried to put a little bit of my voice into the lines. Unfortunately, not everyone working at the station appreciated my wit, and much of what I wrote got rejected.

But I’m particularly proud of some of these gems, and believe that the world shouldn’t be without them. It is with this in mind that I present to you my personally selected, TV-formatted list of:

Jim’s Rejected TV Ad Copy

WATCH JAMES SPADER AND WILLIAM SHATNER DO CRAZY UNETHICAL LEGAL S*** ON BOSTON LEGAL, TUESDAYS AT TEN.

IF YOU DON’T WATCH ABC SATURDAY NIGHT COLLEGE FOOTBALL, YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY GAY.

COME SEE MORE GOLD-DIGGING HOES ON THIS SEASON’S THE BACHELOR, MONDAYS AT TEN ON ABC.

HEY!WATCH THE GEICO CAVEMEN SHOW!WE PROMISE IT’S NOT AS IDIOTIC AS IT SOUNDS!

DO YOU LIKE SHOWS ABOUT NON-GAY MALE BONDING?WATCH CARPOOLERS, TUESDAYS AT EIGHT-THIRTY! DID WE MENTION THEY’RE NOT GAY?

BALLROOM DANCING? C-LIST CELEBRITIES?WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE?WATCH DANCING WITH THE STARS MONDAYS AT EIGHT.

WATCH DANCING WITH THE STARS RESULTS SHOW TUESDAYS AT NINE. YOU KNOW, JUST IN CASE YOU ALREADY FORGOT WHO WON MONDAY.

WHO ARE WE KIDDING? CAVEMEN IS GOING TO BE EVERY BIT AS IDIOTIC AS IT SOUNDS.

TUNE IN FOR PUSHING DAISIES WEDNESDAYS AT EIGHT. YOU’D BETTER WATCH SOON, BECAUSE THERE’S NO WAY THIS IS LASTING MORE THAN ONE SEASON.

ALL THE GUYS ON PRIVATE PRACTICE ARE WAY HOTTER THAN YOUR STUPID BOYFRIEND. WATCH WEDNESDAYS AT NINE.

TUNE IN TO ABC WEDNESDAYS AT TEN FOR DIRTY SEXY MONEY. NO, YOU’RE NOT GETTING ANY. THAT’S JUST THE NAME OF A SHOW.

WATCH GREY’S ANATOMY THURSDAYS AT NINE TO SEE YOUNG DOCTORS GET IT ON IN THE HOSPITAL. JUST LIKE IN REAL LIFE!

WATCH BIG SHOTS THURSDAYS AT TEN. IT’S ALSO ABOUT MALE BONDING, THOUGH SOMEONE PROBABLY IS GAY. BUT THIS SHOW HAS CHRISTOPHER TITUS!

SEE MEN IN TREES FRIDAYS AT EIGHT. IT’S LIKE SEX AND THE CITY, ONLY THERE’S NO SEX AND NO CITY.

GOD, WHY DID WE GREENLIGHT THAT STUPID CAVEMEN SHOW? PLEASE, JUST WATCH IT SO WE DON’T GET FIRED.

TUNE IN FRIDAYS AT NINE FOR ABC’S NEW SERIES, WOMEN’S MURDER CLUB. IT’S LIKE CSI, ONLY WITH CHICKS. AWESOME!

WATCH 20/20 FRIDAYS AT TEN. YOU’LL BE SCARED TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE.

WHEN DOES HITTING A GUY IN THE NUTS WITH A BASEBALL BAT STOP BEING FUNNY? NEVER, THAT’S WHEN. WATCH AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS

EXTREME MAKEOVER: HOME EDITION. IT’S LIKE TRADING SPACES, ONLY LESS ENTERTAINING. SUNDAYS AT EIGHT.

COME SEE SPOILED WOMEN CHEAT ON THEIR HUSBANDS WITH UNREALISTICALLY ATTRACTIVE REPAIR MEN. DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES IS ON SUNDAYS AT NINE.

WATCH CASHMERE MAFIA MONDAYS AT ELEVEN. IT’S LIKE BIG SHOTS, ONLY WITH CHICKS! SORT OF LIKE WHAT WE DID WITH WOMEN’S MURDER CLUB.

DID YOU LIKE THAT JOHN TRAVOLTA MOVIE PHENOMINON? WE RIPPED THAT OFF AND ADDED AN ANTI-CAPITALIST MESSAGE. WATCH ELI STONE. SUNDAYS AT SEVEN.

More about "the biz"

Today marks a momentous occasion. I proved my dedication to my blogging career by actually investing money in an entry. That’s right; I spent exactly forty cents to bring this to you. I believe this money is well spent, as I know it will entertain at least three people!

As an intern at a television and radio broadcast station, I get to learn many aspects of the industry. This past week I’ve been assisting in a task vital to any business: spying on the competition so we can take money away from it.

To accomplish this duty, I go to the local library and stare at old copies of the local paper on microfilm, scanning the pages for advertisements. Whenever I see an ad, I record the client, size, and event which the ad is promoting in a special log. This information will help my station estimate how much money companies are spending on advertising, giving the salespeople a better idea of what they can sell. For example, here is one ad I picked out from July 19, 2006:

Once I skim through one of these, this is what I write in my log:

Client: Sherwin-Williams

Size: 1/6 page

Event: Super Summer Sale

I do this for several hours. Once my neck begins suffering from rigor mortis and my eyes start to bleed, I call it quits and head back to the station. Every once in a while, though, I find an ad that brightens my day. For example, I have found several advertisements in which the company that bought the ad isn’t even mentioned. Or I find two ads, seemingly from different companies, which reveal a clever scam when placed together. But my favorite to date is this one, in the same issue as the Sherwin-Williams ad:

Since I have to record every ad I read, I figured I might as well have some fun with this one. So here is what I recorded in my log:

Client: Christ’s Soon Return

Size: 1/4 page

Event: THE COMING APOCALYPSE!

I really hope I don’t get fired. Or smote.

Writer's block (but not here)

As some of you may know (actually, I have no way to be sure if anybody is visiting anymore), I am in the process of creating a TV show for my school's closed-circuit station. I have seven episodes planned. However, I have only written part of the first episode. This is because of debilitating condition known as "writer's block."

To better explain my mental state, I'll give a short history. Writer's block was first discovered by the Romans circa 300 BCE. Back then it was known as "creativitus inhubitus," and generally came not from lack of inspiration, but from fatal injuries due to poorly-aimed blows to a chisel. These days, those who experience writer's block just can't think of any good ideas.

Regardless of whether or not I completely made all of that up, my point is that writer's block is awful. Now I know that some of you are thinking, "Hey, you're writing right now, aren't you?" Yes, while I technically am writing something, it's not what I want to write. It's a proven scientific fact (which I also may or may not be making up) that writer's block only affects the writing that needs to get done by a certain deadline. I could write things all day long, but I can't for the life of me think of what to put into my scripts.

I have devised few strategies to combat my problem. I decided to take a few pointers from the great writers of the past. If one doesn't work, I'll just try another and another until I get the inspiration I need.

First, I need trauma, and lots of it. Maybe I could hire someone to beat me on a regular basis. Or perhaps I could move out of my room and start living in a cardboard box. Ooh! I know! I'll have my brother shoot me in the eyeball with an arrow, like James Thurber! He became one of the greatest humor writers of the twentieth century after that happened.

Next, I need to become an alcoholic. It worked for Edgar Allen Poe and Ernest Hemingway, didn't it? I mean they turned out alright, right? Yep, booze is definitely the key to successful writing.

After that, the scripts should write themselves. I'm definitely on my way. Hollywood, here I come!

Out with the old, in with the slightly less old

After months of searching, I finally received a job last week. I am currently interning at a small local television station. When working as an intern, you quickly learn that your sole reason for existence at the company is to make everyone else’s workload easier. This is a great opportunity for students to learn a wide variety of skills from many departments within a company. For example, as of the past two weeks, my main duties have consisted of:

1. Alphabetizing tapes.
2. Alphabetizing tapes some more.

On a typical day, I spend three to four hours in a place called the “media room.” The media room contains a large set of shelves holding countless video tapes, as well as loads of other, mostly unused, equipment. Working in this room on a daily basis has reinforced a truth that I wish more people were aware of: Every operation that you think is organized and efficient is the complete opposite.

I’m not a neat freak; my friends, family, and local fire marshals can attest to the fact that my bedroom tends to become a certifiable hazard after three days of my living in it. But I have my limits. While cleaning out the media room (a slight deviation from my normal tasks) I found a great deal of items that can only be described as “artifacts,” perhaps left there by an ancient civilization of the late twentieth century. Here are some photos of a few things I found:

Yes, this is just one of many floppy disks left in the media room. As you can tell by the photo, there were at least thirty others, though I estimate that this number is more in the realm of eighty or ninety (there are still quite a few left).

These are covers of two of several Byte magazines. My favorite is the March ’97 issue on the right. In case you can't read it, the top says, "33.6 Modems: Worth an upgrade?" My station really ought to think about getting one of those. You can click on the image to see the covers in better detail.

There were six of these. The Bernoulli storage disk is the esteemed winner of Imaging Magazine’s “Product of the Year”…of 1992. They feature 230 megabytes of space, and contain some of the finest security features of the time: a switch on the side that enables or disables write protection (try cracking that security, Internet pirates!). They're about a quarter of an inch (3/4 cm) thick, so in addition to its amazing storage capacity, Bernoullis make excellent blunt throwing weapons in case of a ninja attack.

Remember when floppy disks were actually “floppy?” Yep, the station had one of these babies, too. According to the label, this one appears to contain Ethernet, whatever that means.

That’s not all there was. I saw three 9-pin dot matrix printers, a Pink Floyd CD, several pounds of Betamax tapes, and junk mail from 1994 addressed to a guy who no longer works at the station.

It’s not that I dislike my job. I love having the opportunity to work for a TV station. But come on. This stuff wasn’t even filed or organized. It was just there. Sure, we all keep some things around for longer than we should. But most of those things either have sentimental or monetary value. And if anyone at that station has an emotional attachment to the commercial reel from 1997 that I found, then there’s a serious problem.