If I were making this up, it would still be awesome

Hey everybody, sorry for the late entry. I've been distracted by some stressful personal issues which have severely increased my blood pressure. Anyway, on to the funny (which makes me feel better anyway).

I realized this week that my senior year at college may be the best ever. When I bought my textbooks at the campus store, one of my dreams came true. Among my extensive list of books for my "Literature and Film" course was this:

That's right, I own a textbook with frickin' Spider-Man on the cover! How cool is that? All day I was like,

"Hey man, what's that you got there, a physics book? And what's that on the cover, some equations and geometric models? Yeah, that's pretty cool, unless you've seen this! SHAZAM!"

Just in case you need the visual, I whip out the book and do a little dance when I say, "SHAZAM." Who needs to read about famous scientists and philosophers when you've got a book with the wall-crawler himself on the cover?

Truck vs Bread

You read right, ladies and gentlemen, today marks the release of the exciting sequel to "Can vs. Bread." But first, I would like to present an open letter to a man you may have heard about in the news recently: Hakim Asour "C. Jack" Ellis, mayor of Macon, Georgia.

Dear Mayor Ellis,

Thank you for being such a nut case. Your "statement of solidarity" with the oppressive, terrorist-supporting Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez and praise for his administration made the last few days of my summer journalism internship some of the most exciting of my life. Covering this story was a blast; I even got the opportunity to have interviews with city council members which were actually considered for broadcast on national television (I don't think they got aired anywhere but central Georgia, but it's still exciting). Getting to meet and talk with politicians trying to salvage my second home's reputation was educational and somewhat awe-inspiring.

The public outcry has been so great that it's sparked legislation to prevent your (also crazy) trip to Venezuela using city funds. Your insanity has brought out the best in the USA's democratic system: the people are outraged, and the legislature is responding by limiting your power. I can confidently say that these events have rekindled my faith in democracy.

Sincerely,

Jim

And now, what you really came here to see: "Truck vs Bread"

Can Vs. Bread

Before I get started, I just wanted to brag about something. I finally applied my encyclopedic knowledge of cartoons and won a free 1-month subscription to deviantART on Tuesday by answering a "Calvin and Hobbes" trivia question. Now if only I could actually make some money with that...

Anyway, I attended WPGA's "News Kickoff" party last weekend. It wasn't really a party as much as it was a chance to get Central Georgia's high rollers to make commercial investments. It was a black tie event, "black tie" meaning "dressy" and "event" meaning "awkwardly try to make small talk with people you know nothing about and probably have nothing in common with."

There were some real big shots at this thing. My school's former president, business owners, and even mayoral candidates. I even got to talk with the one whose platform is to give Macon back to Native Americans to protect us from terrorists (seriously).

But that's not important right now.

So here I am in Macon, enduring insane heat and humidity. It's like being in a jungle, only instead of exotic animals and beautiful foliage, we have dead possums and those trees that smell kind of like bad chicken. You know the kind I'm talking about.

Actually, I'm usually inside the air-conditioned TV station during the hottest hours of the day. Then I hang out at my pal Chaz's apartment until bedtime, bringing me to the real topic of this post: my first video blog. In this exciting installment, I use my digital camera to record the epic battle between an aluminum can and a loaf of stale bread.

Playtime used to be fun...

One of the great things about my job is the amount of knowledge to be gained. Not only do I learn things about journalism itself, but there are many facts in the world that we discover before anyone else. For example, Fisher-Price recently recalled 83 of its toys due to excessive lead in the paint. We managed to get a list of these toys, and, quite frankly, I think the world is better off without some of them. It's not because of the lead paint; I'm just worried about the appropriateness of some of these products. Before you get offended by what I've written, keep in mind that I'm not making this up; these are the actual names of toys being marketed to your kids.

Product B7554: Count to Beat Elmo

I'll admit that Elmo can be annoying at times, but does he really deserve a beating? I mean, I'm all for teaching kids to count, but should we really encourage domestic violence?

Product B7987: Elmo in the Giggle Box

This sounds like either another way to torture Elmo or something you'd find in an adult novelty shop. Or both. Let's just move on.

Product B7989: Silly Parts Talking Elmo

Oh, give me a BREAK!

Products H9186, H9188, J5935, and J5936: Giggle Grabber Ernie, Oscar the Grouch, Soccer Elmo and Chef Cookie Monster

How do you grab a giggle?...Great, now I feel filthy. I think I'm going to need a shower now.