All the cult, half the price

It all started with this creepy-as-heck video by the infamous hacker group known as "Anonymous." It's a response to another creepy-as-heck video featuring Tom Cruise rambling on about how only Scientologists can help people in car accidents and some propaganda about how psychoactive drugs such as Prozac and Ritalin are responsible for "all academic failures" and increasing violence in schools (check out the 3rd video down on the linked page). The movie was leaked from a secret Scientology award ceremony in which Cruise wins the "Freedom Medal of Valor."

I did a lot of research on Scientology. A lot. Call it my "obsession of the week." This research has helped me translate a few things Tom says in the video, just in case you decide to watch the thing:

KSW: "Keeping Scientology Working." A controversial memo from L. Ron Hubbard (Scientology's founder), outlining ten points all Scientologists must follow. It's more or less a doctrine of following Hubbard's writings to the letter and suppressing dissent.

SP: "Suppressive Person." Anybody who disagrees with the teachings of Dianetics and Scientology. This also includes people who try to get their loved ones out. And me, by the time anybody in Scientology reads this.

PTS/SP: "Potential Trouble Source/Suppressive Person." A potential trouble source is anybody who has come into contact with a suppressive person.

Tech: Short for "technology." In this instance, "tech" refers to L. Ron Hubbard's writing. I'm not sure whether or not this includes his mediocre science fiction.

Orgs: Short for "organizations," the most famous of which is the "Sea Org." Orgs are a sort of management training facility for Scientologists. As with everything in the "church," they cost a lot of money. There are multiple allegations of human rights abuses in these orgs, including unsafe conditions and forced labor.

Ethics: Has multiple meanings. It is most often used to refer to the principles of Hubbard's teachings, but alternatively means a form of discipline to ensure conformity. This is most likely Cruise's use of the word as indicated by his context.

Criminon: One of Scientology's many front groups, supposedly a criminal rehabilitation facility. Many members get drawn into the "church."

Way to Happiness: Another front group.

Spectator/Spectatorism: A spectator is somebody whose "crimes" weigh so heavily on his or her mind that he or she no longer trusts him or herself to do what Scientology dictates.

CCHR: "Citizens' Commission on Human Rights." An anti-psychiatry front group of Scientology.

I was kind of disappointed that he never said, "enturbulate," in his interview, because it's my favorite Scientology buzzword (it's a word Hubbard made up meaning "to upset" or "to agitate"). When the video was finished, I thought to myself, "And to believe I once felt sorry for this guy." I honestly thought Tom Cruise was just another of Scientology's brainwashed drones (they really are like robots. Check out this video and the others this guy did - they repeat the same things over and over again). But he's been elevated to practically godlike status in the "church," which makes him just as guilty as David Mascavige, the current president of the group and Cruise's puppet master.

In the course of my research, I discovered Scientology's true purpose: profit. In fact, an official policy bulletin written by L. Ron Hubbard in 1972 states, "Make money. Make more money. Make others produce so as to make money," (source 1, source 2). Hubbard himself is alleged to have laundered over $200,000,000 (that's two-hundred million) in foreign bank accounts. More recently, a video of the 2007 OT (Operating Thetan, an upper level) Summit has been leaked. The "summit" was more like a three-hour sales pitch for new editions of Hubbard's original book series, which cost thousands. David Miscavige states toward the end, after spewing lies upon lies to his audience, "It's all predicated in the fact that your route to knowledge means studying these books and lectures in chronological sequence. Sure, you can do them on your own, but why not do them in the Org? And even if you had a tinge of wonder about what that might entail financially, when you leave this event hall, you'll feel guilty for even having had that thought." I'm not going to link to the video here, because I want it to stay online. Email me if you want to see the video series of the summit.

And yet The Church of $cientology enjoys tax-exempt status in the United States for being a religion (thank you, President Clinton).

So why has Scientology gotten away with these activities for so long? Some would say that it's their secretive nature. Others say it's their crack legal team and their ability to hide behind the First Amendment. Still others think its the group's harassment policy and unrivaled ability to blackmail its members and detractors. But I say it's a lack of competition.

That's why I've decided to start my own cult, the Church of Profitology! That's right, you can have all the benefits of Scientology at a lower price than the competition! So I'm going to introduce my latest invention, on par with the discovery of fire and exceeding the importance of the wheel, the "B-Meter" (patent pending)!!!!!!


And for a limited time only, you can get my B-Meter (patent pending) absolutely free of charge. I personally guarantee that it has all the same stress-relieving qualities and medical benefits as L. Ron Hubbard's E-Meter, and it's totally free of charge if you order in the next two seconds! Not convinced yet? Take a look at some more images of my fabulous new technology!

Just grab the cans and reveal your most embarrassing secrets! The Gangplank to Freedom (copyright pending) is only moments away! Call now!