I won the War on Christmas

I was cruising around town like I’ve been known to do, and I saw a sign at the local video store advertising a “Christmas in July Sale.” I was, of course, appalled. It should have read, “Nondenominational Winter Holiday in July Sale.” I immediately parked my car and filed a grievance with the manager, who acted like he had never heard this complaint before. I then informed him that I would be reporting his company to the ACLU, as the store was obviously run by bigots.

Okay, so that never happened. I just thought it would be funny to write something like that. But since we’re already talking about stores, sales, and holidays, it’s back to school season! Stores are stocking up on pencils and notebooks, with ads portraying students smiling widely and jumping out of their seats from the anticipation of hunching over their desks and studying algebra. Just like in real life!

This can only mean one thing: just three more weeks until the holiday shopping season starts! There are such whimsical new decorations and toys every year, and I can hardly wait. In fact, I have an inside source who was able to show me a few of this year’s hot items. You’d better start ordering now, because come November it’s going to be tough to get your hands on:

The Three Hot New Holiday Products of 2008

Insulting Tree Ornaments

The holiday season is the time of year to show people how you feel. So why not be honest? Nobody likes everybody, so express your disappointment in others with these festive decorations. These ornaments are a beautiful addition to any home, and they come with an optional engraving of the recipient’s name.

Drunken In-Law Holiday Bear

The holidays are also a time to be with your family. Sadly, rising travel prices make it difficult for many families to get together during this season. But that doesn’t mean they can’t still give each other the experience of being home for the holidays! Introducing the Drunken In-Law Holiday Bear. It comes standard with a glass of eggnog and cigarette (ash tray not included), and if you squeeze its belly, it criticizes your home’s décor!

Precious Moments 2008

What would the holidays be without this year’s line of Precious Moments figurines? This year Gifts Gifts Gifts Inc. has decided to put a new twist on its classic line of collectibles by focusing on more down-to earth themes. This year's figurines include Judgmental Santa, Five-Week-Old Christmas Tree, and Holly Jolly Minuteman.

So there you have it! Aren’t you in the holiday spirit already? I know I am. Remember, there are only 156 days left ‘til Christmas!