Kinda makes you think

Some of you may have heard of Jack Thompson, the Florida attorney and noted anti-fun activist. He's currently undergoing disbarment proceedings for being an incompetent lawyer and all-around nut case. Thompson is famous for his moral stances against rap music, Janet Reno, video games, and pretty much anything else that isn't either praying or doing laundry. And it had better be your own laundry, pal. Don't let him catch you touching someone else's underpants.

Mr. Thompson (or, "Crazy Old Man Jack," as I call him) is most well-known on the Internet for his protests against video games, most notably the "Grand Theft Auto" and "Counterstrike" series. You might remember him appearing on a few news programs after the tragic Virginia Tech massacre, blaming Counterstrike for poisoning Seung-Hui Cho's mind and influencing him to kill his classmates, even though this claim was contrary to all evidence. Then there was his attempt to get the folks at "Penny Arcade" investigated by the FBI for donating a $10,000 to charity in his name. The man is insane in his hatred of video games and those who make and play them.

The reason I'm bringing him up is that we haven't heard a lot from Jack lately, which I think is odd considering an extremely popular game has recently been released. This game has people lined up in front of closed stores weeks after its release. It's fast-paced, addicting, and more importantly, more immersive than anything Crazy Old Man Jack could have imagined. I'm speaking, of course, of Wii Fit.

Without a doubt, Wii Fit is the creepiest game ever made. You step on that balance board, and the game immediately starts judging you. When was the last time you played a game that could call you obese and unbalanced? It also adjusts your weight for whatever you're wearing, whether it's light (-2 lbs.), heavy (-4 lbs.), or "other" (-0 lbs.). Sure, the menu says other, but we all know what it really means: naked as a jaybird.

Then there are the mini games. Sure, some seem innocent enough, like the Hula Hoop challenge or the Table Tilt. But then you get things like the Tightrope Tension, which consists of a rope with robotic bear traps on it. If you hit one, you fall down 50 stories to your death. Then there's the jogging course, where you run down the track and look at your Mii's rear bounce up and down for ten minutes. Yeah, way to appeal to the kids, Nintendo. Oh, and what about the Balance Bubble? Your character floats down a river in a bubble, and you can't touch the shores or the buzzing bees. And what happens when you do? The bubble pops, and you drown. That's it. Your Mii is dead.

But I didn't mention the creepiest game of all: Zazen. In this game you sit cross-legged on the balance board. On the screen is a lit candle in an otherwise pitch black room. All you do is sit still while the crickets chirp. But after a few moments, you hear a mysterious noise...

Creak...creak...creak...creak...creak!

You don't know who's walking around. You can't see anybody or hear any voices. Is it a ghost? A zombie? Jack the Ripper? Dick Cheney? You'll never find out who it is; all you can do is sit there perfectly still and hope you don't get your intestines ripped out before the game is over.

So where are you, Jack Thompson? You care so much about how video games are affecting our nation's youth, you need to get on this! If we don't stop the menace of Wii fit now, impressionable children everywhere are going to leap off rooftops, drown in rivers, and break their backs trying to master yoga poses!

On a side note, I give the game an "A," it's a load of fun to play, and you'll actually break a sweat.