A Tribute to Michael Savage

Every day it seems like the United States is becoming increasingly divided. This is never clearer than in election years, when we see more and more divisive issues being brought up by presidential candidates, then immediately taken back when those issues turn out to be unpopular. It feels like nearly everyone has become a complete cynic about their opposing political party. If you're a Republican, people think you're a war-mongering Social Darwinist who's out to kill all the black people, and if you're a Democrat, they think you're a soft-headed idealist who wants to teach third-graders how to have sex.

You can hardly discuss anything without it having a political slant these days. Religion, medicine, business, and even horticulture have all become politically-charged issues. It can be paralyzing; you never know who you're going to offend. Sometimes lifelong friendships even end as a result of political differences.

But there is a glimmer of hope, America. Amidst all the conflict, one man rises above the clouds of confusion, his head held high. This man is none other than radio host Dr. Michael "Savage" Weiner.

Michael Savage is the man who will unite the nation. If we can get everyone in the United States to listen to his insights into politics, society, and human nature, we can all finally come together as a people and agree that Michael Savage is completely insane.

If you've never heard of Dr. Savage, then you've made it my great pleasure to introduce him. He's the host of the right-wing political talk radio show, "The Savage Nation." If you want to get a good idea of where he stands politically, I suggest using the following diagram (click for a larger view):

If you listen to him talk for more than 10 minutes, you will realize that this man lives his life in two states: asleep and angry. Name a topic, and Michael's yelled about it on his show. "The Savage Nation" is reportedly heard by over 10 million people every day, though it's really 20 million by his estimate. He gets this figure from...some sort of magical figure-creating fairy, I guess. Except he would never let a fairy near him, since they're destroying America with their same-sex marriages (I was speaking of fairies in a literal sense, but there's no way Savage would take the risk).

Now, I realize that a lot of people are against same-sex marriages for theological reasons, and I'm not here to argue about that. No, what I'm here to talk about is Savage's belief that socialist public school teachers are collaborating with Nazi-controlled Hollywood to not just teach your kids that it's alright to be gay, but to make them gay and teach them how to have gay sex, thus dismantling the fragile institution of marriage (though his first marriage ended in divorce).

But that's not the ONLY thing Michael Savage is angry about! Other evils include:

• Catholics
• Mexicans
• Abortion (his first wife had two while they were married)
• Sex education (remember kids, abortion is bad, but so are contraceptives!)
  
• Rappers
  
• Pornography (his son is the CEO of Rockstar Energy Drink, a big sponsor of "Girls Gone Wild")
• Muslims
• Gay people (I know I already wrote that, but he hates them so much that it needed to be stated twice)
• Conservatives (when they're tolerating gay people)
• The media (except, of course, his show)
  
• Autistic kids (he changed that position when he started losing advertisers)
• Liberalism (everything listed above is automatically caused by this, even the conservatives he doesn't like)
  
• Miscellaneous (changes from day to day)

The reason I love Michael Savage is not because I like his opinions, but because just about everyone can agree that this man is out of his mind. His world view is so warped that he seems to believe that "Leave it to Beaver," is a documentary of how America really was in the 1950s. He's so right-wing that even Bill O'Reilly dislikes him. No matter how heated a political argument gets, I can neutralize it by saying, "Well, at least [that person I/you support] isn't as bad as Michael Savage." In fact, I would love it if he ran for president just so we could watch the speeches and debates. Not only would it make for some entertaining TV, we'd see voter participation higher than any other time in history, just to prevent this man from getting into office.

I'm going to leave you today with a recording of my very favorite Michael Savage quotes. If you have kids, play it for them before they go to sleep, and I guarantee they won't be afraid of the boogeyman anymore. Just think of it as my gift to you. I'll admit right up front that some of these quotes may have been taken slightly out of context (though others are not), mainly because they sound way funnier this way. But you have my absolute promise that Dr. Savage sounds every bit as crazy in context. In fact, there are clips of him in context all over youtube.

Well, that's about all I have to say today. Have a wonderful week, America.