Stop. Stop Right Now

The Internet is a mecca of free speech and self-expression. Ordinary people can easily start online groups for political discussion and to gain support for social causes. While the idea of a worldwide public forum is the ultimate ideal behind democracy, it has an unintended consequence. Many people (teenagers in particular) now live under the delusion that everything is a democracy. This mistake has led to one of the most annoying trends on the Internet: online petitions.

The online petition is based on certain people's confusion between emails and ballots. The logic is that if enough people complain, somebody else will solve our problems for us, no matter how ridiculous the problem or farfetched the solution. Don't like the minimum wage? Petition for an increase! Having relationship trouble? Petition to make divorce easier! Worried about home insurance coverage? Petition to make fire illegal!

A Google search for the word, "petition," yields over 48 million results on the day of this writing. But there's a special place in my heart for the ones on Facebook. This is because while online petitions are useless in general, the ones on Facebook are especially irrelevant. They're made by people who have absolutely no idea how the world works. For example, there's the group "15,000,000 for lower gas prices." I'm all for lower gas prices, but the fact that anyone believes that fuel costs will magically drop just because he or she signs a Facebook petition astounds me. That's like if you or I were to walk into a gas station and tell the attendant, "I don't want to pay fifty bucks to fill up, so I'm gonna pay you half. I've got a printout of a bunch of emails from people who agree with me, so it's ok. We're cool, right?"

That petition is obviously a useless response to a relevant issue, but my favorite petitions respond to irrelevant issues. Right now there are at least three different groups garnering support to award Heath Ledger a posthumous Oscar for his performance in The Dark Knight, even though Academy Awards are awarded by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. I guess none of these petitioners have heard of the People's Choice Awards. You know, the ones they, the people, actually have a say in.

Oh, but the petitioning fun doesn't stop there! My personal favorites include:

• Petition to Lower the Drinking Age to 18 CLICK THE LINK, SIGN IT - The description of the group reads, "MOVE THE DRINKING AGE UP TO 23!!!!" I guess the people joining forgot that an e-signature is not the same as a vote. It's okay, though. They were probably drunk when they joined.
  
• . Facebook Will Be Forced to Shutdown ! Join and Save it! - Facebook and competing website ConnectU have been legally battling each other for years over various issues. Some high schooler somehow got it in her head that, if Facebook loses all its money from legal costs, she can save it by making an online petition! I didn't know business worked like that!
  
• Petition for John Lennon Day - It's pretty much exactly what it sounds like. The goal is to get 6.4 million people to sign the petition and send it to world leaders to lead to an international holiday in remembrance of John Lennon.
  
• Students Against Facebook News Feed (official Petition to Facebook) - These people never figured out how to change the privacy settings in their profiles.
• Petition to get the entire Hey Arnold series on DVD - Really? You couldn't find a moderately more important cause than this?
• 4 Day Week, 3 Day Weekend. (Official Government Petition) - This petition to make the school week shorter takes the cake. Not only does this actually promote laziness, it does so in the laziest way possible. As if that wasn't enough, the group's description actually makes me think we should extend the school week:
  

"ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This group might not work, but it might work. So join anyway, is it that hard to join all u have to do is click join. Don't join this if ur just going to say, that it is stupid and wont work. Cuz it might work and all u have to do is join, for all u people trash talking this group, dont u have anything better to do than trash talk this, sitting on ur fat f***ing ***es, just join and hope that it will work.

If enough people join this group, in about a year. We might set up a date and go on strike until they change it. They cant make us go to school, teachers go on strike why cant we?

THIS GROUP IS FOR CANADA AND UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! ONLY!"

Oh my God! You mean students can go on strike if they don't like school? They aren't legally required to get an education?! Why didn't anyone tell me this when I was that age?! And the petition also has a link to an Xbox Live group? That's totally awesome!!!!!

Sarcasm aside, the preceding petition was started by a Canadian, proving once and for all that stupidity is not limited to the USA. In fact, I think I felt a few of my brain cells die just writing this post. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I think my views have any more effect on the world than these, erm, upstanding citizens, but at least I have the good sense to realize it.

Since I've only covered a few examples here, I know that there are far more ludicrous petitions out there. Have any of you seen some lately? Post the funniest ones you've found!