You Know I'm Right

The Summer Olympics are here once again, bringing people of all nations together in celebration of human perseverance and sportsmanship. And this time, the Chinese government has added to the festivities by doing what it does best: a bad job lying to everybody!

Now that the obligatory jab at China is out of the way, I'd like to say that I've never been a huge fan of the Olympics; I just never found sports all that appealing. So it goes without saying that I haven't been paying too much attention to the games on television, though with all the censorship I'll find out just as much about them, if not more, through hearsay (okay, now the obligatory jabs at China are out of the way).

I'm not alone in my lack of interest. TV coverage of the Olympic games has seen decreased ratings over the years. This got me thinking: what can be done to broaden the Olympics' potential audience? The obvious answer is to add more events. We have already seen the rise of such sports as synchronized swimming, badminton, and table tennis in recent decades, so why not expand the events even further? It is with this in mind that I am proposing the following new Olympic events for 2012:

Shoplifting
















Disguised athletes have thirty seconds to enter a local convenience store and leave with at least one item without paying for it. Contestants are judged based on speed, stealth, number of items stolen and estimated retail value of said items (measured in the host nation's currency). If a competitor gets caught, he or she is automatically disqualified. This event doubles as an excellent sponsorship opportunity!

Dating Gary Busey














A makeshift diner is set up in the stadium, where competitors go on a date with Gary Busey. They are judged by their ability to hide their fear. Each athlete must last at least ten minutes with him or face disqualification.


Wikipedia Editing










The athletes sit at computers in the stadium. They must edit as many pages as possible with inaccurate and/or unverifiable information until they are banned by the administrators. Contenders are judged based on number of pages edited, believability, and use of leet speak. Bonus points will be automatically awarded if Wikipedia's IP logs show a student accessing an edited page for last-minute essay facts.

Crushing Cars with Monster Trucks












I think this one speaks for itself.

So there you have it! If the International Olympics Committee is reading, it can feel free to use any of these innovative suggestions. How about you, loyal readers? What events would you like to see in the future? Leave a comment with your ideas!