To Infinity and Beyond

So I'm happy to say the Paris Hilton hasn't been in the news lately. Unfortunately, I discovered via Facebook that she has a starring role in an upcoming romantic comedy, "The Hottie and the Nottie." I was just as surprised as anyone to find out that Hilton is playing the part of the "hottie," playing opposite Christine Lakin, who, in my opinion, is the more attractive of the two.

After looking through some promotional photos for the movie, I made a startling discovery: Paris Hilton never changes her facial expression. I'm not kidding. Even for the shots she wasn't actually modeling for, her face looks exactly the same. I was going to make a slide show of various Paris Hilton photos to demonstrate my point, but someone at ytmnd.com beat me to it. After that, I was going to go on a tangent on how Paris must be some sort of android or mannequin brought to life by magical elves, but it didn't end up as funny as I wanted. Besides, that guy at ytmnd already covered that territory.

So instead, I'm going to regale you on my adventures in video gaming, since my adventures in real life are just that boring. I just today completed Super Mario Galaxy, which is, in my opinion, the best game ever made. I did just about everything in this game, including collecting the secret 121st star as both Mario and Luigi. The only thing I haven't done is gather 9,999 star bits, which turns every coconut (yes, there are coconuts in Mario games now) into a watermelon. I have no idea what possessed the developers to include that feature.

The point is that I've spent a lot of time playing Super Mario Galaxy, and in that time, I've made some interesting discoveries. I made a list of the most interesting aspects of the game and compiled them into what I like to call:

The Top Ten Things You Didn't Know About Super Mario Galaxy

1. In order to create a sense of realism, there are six levels which require Mario (a plumber) to fix toilets.
2. Yoshi is entirely absent from the game. This is explained as being due to a grisly drunken speedboating accident. There were no survivors.
   
3. The penalty for failure in any task is death. For example, failing to collect 100 purple coins which have no monetary value and ultimately serve no purpose will cause a robot to stab you in the abdomen.
4. During an interview, Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto stated, "While 80% of the levels were made to be enjoyed by all, 20% were designed solely to make people suffer."*
5. Upon defeating Bowser, a short video by the Italian anti-defamation league is played, stating that it, "does-a not support the stereotypes presented in-a this-a game."**
6. That loudmouthed Toad finally gets what's coming to him.
   
7. In contrast to previous installments in the Mario franchise, Luigi's character has developed into a motorcycle-riding loner who plays by his own rules.
8. Princess peach heavily implies that Mario is secretly involved with the mafia.
9. I you press A-C-Z-Z-A-1-B-2-A, you get to see a deleted scene in which Bowser Jr. performs George Carlin's famous "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" routine.
   
10. The traditional Mario theme song is replaced by the Metallica song, "St. Anger."

Amazing, isn't it? I didn't think it was possible for one game to include so much enriching content, but seeing it firsthand gives me hope that we are entering a new era of quality entertainment.

*Not a real quote.
**Also not a real quote.

Cloverfield: The Review

While I don't have a Firewire cable, I figured out a convoluted scheme to get my review of Cloverfield online in a much higher quality than before. I decided to do the review in a similar style to the movie itself. Enjoy!

Hillary Clinton and the Cloverfield Monster

No, they actually have nothing to do with each other. Bill Clinton spoke at my school today about Hillary's campaign. I didn't attend the rally; I just saw the line for the rally extending form the University Center past my apartment building and all the way into the street. So after my roommate and I ran out to interview some folks for Mercer99, we recorded a video review of the movie Cloverfield. Unfortunately, because I don't have a 4:4 Firewire cable, I can't import the video without it looking terrible. So until my new cable arrives in the mail, you'll just have to wait for that.


John and I were at Wal-Mart earlier today to look for said cable (which obviously wasn't there), as well as a few groceries. We had a total of eight items between us, so we headed over to the "10 Items or Less," or "Speedy Checkout" lane. In front of us was a woman who I can only assume was making purchases for three separate people, since she had 29 items in her cart. And for some reason, the cashier served her anyway.

I've decided I have a new mission in life. I'm going to have a stamp custom-made with the phrase, "You are not special" written on it backwards. I will go around to people who do things like bring nearly 30 items to the express checkout and slap the stamp on their foreheads. Then, after I get yelled at and the person threatens to file a lawsuit, he or she will go to the bathroom to wash his or her face. That's when the person will look in the mirror and maybe get some perspective in life.

There are certain people who will get this stamp, including (but not limited to):

• People who believe low-wage jobs are easy.
• Everybody who says they like caviar (they're all lying).
• People who double park so nobody will park next to their cars.
• The current president of the Student Government.
• People who think they can shove their Master's Degree in my face to make me feel small (that's another story).
  
• Every politician.
  
• Anyone who thinks revving their car engine is cool.
  

I could go on, but I think this is less funny than I initially intended. Don't worry. The video movie review is great. I'll give you a hint about what's in it: Do you like Luke Perry? Yeah, it would be awesome if he were in the video.

EDIT: I have just been informed that the parking practice I was referring to is actually called "straddling," that is, when someone parks over the line of a parking space.

Aaand he's back

Hello again! I'm sure my legions of readers (I think there are about five now) were concerned that I would be stopping my Monday updates. Not so! I've just been pretty busy the last couple of weeks. Plus, there was that one time I had a hangnail that hurt really, really badly. I mean, who can concentrate on anything when you have a hangnail? But be assured that nothing should stop me from doing my normal updates from now on.

I'm only taking a couple of regular classes this semester, along with an independent study course. The two courses I have to actually visit each week are a lecture course on the Old Testament, and my Senior Capstone (yeah, I don't know what it means, either) seminar about genetic engineering.

I have been able to gather two things from all religion and science courses I've ever taken. The first is that we don't know anything. Seriously, every lecture and every textbook in science and religion courses is just a series of conjectures about things we don't know yet. The second thing I learned is that the direction we as a society are going in these fields will inevitably lead to zombie attacks.

Yeah, yeah, I know I've gone on about zombies before, but I'm serious this time! Like Al Gore serious (Nobel Prize, please)! You know how the book of Revelation predicts the resurrection of the dead? Well, science is bringing us closer than ever before! I read an article in the New York Times about how scientists at the University of Minnesota grew a rat heart from baby rat heart cells. What does this have to do with zombies? They grew the new heart inside the remains of a dead rat heart! First it's zombie rat hearts, next we'll have zombie rat livers and small intestines, and finally, entire zombie rats! Unless those people in Minnesota keep shotguns and baseball bats in their labs, we'll be facing a squeaking infestation of the undead in the next few years. Start stocking up on ammo now. You'll thank me later.