This is a fine profession

The first episode of my TV show, Said & Undone, is finished. It took about two years of writing, improvisation, planning, phone calls, tears, sweat, BLOOD (I once got a paper cut from a script) and sarcastic remarks from MERCER99's adviser, but we finally finished the first episode.

It's interesting to experience firsthand what indie filmmaking is like. And at the risk of sounding like an egocentric art snob, I say that filmmaking is all about sacrifice. I'm not talking about "suffering for my art" and that sort of nonsense. This is just a silly, arguably shallow comedy about a bunch of kids who try to follow their dreams and fall flat on their faces. But there is still sacrifice.

First, you sacrifice a bunch of time. Time not spent filming is usually spent worrying about filming. Next, you sacrifice money. MERCER99 has been tight-lipped about its budget, but rumor has it that the channel has under $100. So Said & Undone's budget pretty much consists of what I can get from my own pockets (I think the tab is currently somewhere just over $100). After that, you sacrifice about 80% of your ideas once you sit down to write the script. Then when you actually get to the set, you sacrifice 50% of what's written down (though improvisation is both welcomed and encouraged). Bear in mind that this show is supposed to be based on real events, which means we've deviated so far from reality at this point that I believe we've opened up some sort of parallel dimension.

There's still a lot of work to do. Episode two is about 75% finished, and all but one scene in episode three has been shot. We only have one scene in the fourth and final episode shot, but the plan is to make it shorter than the rest (we have our reasons, but I don't want to give them away just yet).

Anyway, I won't be posting the episodes online, at least not until they air on campus (the first one is set to air right after spring break). But because I love you so much, I'm going to share the title sequence with you. It was edited by the lovely and talented John Wooden, and directed by yours truly. The music is a clip from the song, "The Last Show," by Reel Big Fish.

Enjoy, and have a spectacular week.

"Disgusting, yet whimsical"

The above title comes from a Christopher Titus standup comedy album, and it's the only phrase I can use to describe a discovery I made concerning the very page you're reading.

I subscribe to a free service called Google Analytics. Google Analytics allows me to track the number of people who visit my blog every day, as well as other stats. One kind of data I can track is the sources of my hits. So if someone uses a search engine like Google or Yahoo to find me, I know what words he or she used. This is very useful for me, as it allows me to see what the most popular topics and keywords are.

So I was checking the list of search terms and found this (click it for a larger view. commentary was added afterwards):


There's only one reaction you can have when you discover something like this (CLICK ON THE PHOTO):

Why? WHY?!?! Why does anybody want to see two of the biggest icons of childhood joy and innocence engaged in lascivious acts?! WHY?! The fact that someone wants to see Mario and Peach naked means that there are people who want to see OTHER childhood icons naked! Thoughts come to mind of seedy strip clubs on Sesame Street and Minnie Mouse turning tricks out by the docks. And I don't even want to think about these peoples' twisted fantasies involving the Ninja Turtles. I feel like my mind is being corrupted already. The evil web-perversion has desecrated my computer. I think I'll burn it now.

All the cult, half the price

It all started with this creepy-as-heck video by the infamous hacker group known as "Anonymous." It's a response to another creepy-as-heck video featuring Tom Cruise rambling on about how only Scientologists can help people in car accidents and some propaganda about how psychoactive drugs such as Prozac and Ritalin are responsible for "all academic failures" and increasing violence in schools (check out the 3rd video down on the linked page). The movie was leaked from a secret Scientology award ceremony in which Cruise wins the "Freedom Medal of Valor."

I did a lot of research on Scientology. A lot. Call it my "obsession of the week." This research has helped me translate a few things Tom says in the video, just in case you decide to watch the thing:

KSW: "Keeping Scientology Working." A controversial memo from L. Ron Hubbard (Scientology's founder), outlining ten points all Scientologists must follow. It's more or less a doctrine of following Hubbard's writings to the letter and suppressing dissent.

SP: "Suppressive Person." Anybody who disagrees with the teachings of Dianetics and Scientology. This also includes people who try to get their loved ones out. And me, by the time anybody in Scientology reads this.

PTS/SP: "Potential Trouble Source/Suppressive Person." A potential trouble source is anybody who has come into contact with a suppressive person.

Tech: Short for "technology." In this instance, "tech" refers to L. Ron Hubbard's writing. I'm not sure whether or not this includes his mediocre science fiction.

Orgs: Short for "organizations," the most famous of which is the "Sea Org." Orgs are a sort of management training facility for Scientologists. As with everything in the "church," they cost a lot of money. There are multiple allegations of human rights abuses in these orgs, including unsafe conditions and forced labor.

Ethics: Has multiple meanings. It is most often used to refer to the principles of Hubbard's teachings, but alternatively means a form of discipline to ensure conformity. This is most likely Cruise's use of the word as indicated by his context.

Criminon: One of Scientology's many front groups, supposedly a criminal rehabilitation facility. Many members get drawn into the "church."

Way to Happiness: Another front group.

Spectator/Spectatorism: A spectator is somebody whose "crimes" weigh so heavily on his or her mind that he or she no longer trusts him or herself to do what Scientology dictates.

CCHR: "Citizens' Commission on Human Rights." An anti-psychiatry front group of Scientology.

I was kind of disappointed that he never said, "enturbulate," in his interview, because it's my favorite Scientology buzzword (it's a word Hubbard made up meaning "to upset" or "to agitate"). When the video was finished, I thought to myself, "And to believe I once felt sorry for this guy." I honestly thought Tom Cruise was just another of Scientology's brainwashed drones (they really are like robots. Check out this video and the others this guy did - they repeat the same things over and over again). But he's been elevated to practically godlike status in the "church," which makes him just as guilty as David Mascavige, the current president of the group and Cruise's puppet master.

In the course of my research, I discovered Scientology's true purpose: profit. In fact, an official policy bulletin written by L. Ron Hubbard in 1972 states, "Make money. Make more money. Make others produce so as to make money," (source 1, source 2). Hubbard himself is alleged to have laundered over $200,000,000 (that's two-hundred million) in foreign bank accounts. More recently, a video of the 2007 OT (Operating Thetan, an upper level) Summit has been leaked. The "summit" was more like a three-hour sales pitch for new editions of Hubbard's original book series, which cost thousands. David Miscavige states toward the end, after spewing lies upon lies to his audience, "It's all predicated in the fact that your route to knowledge means studying these books and lectures in chronological sequence. Sure, you can do them on your own, but why not do them in the Org? And even if you had a tinge of wonder about what that might entail financially, when you leave this event hall, you'll feel guilty for even having had that thought." I'm not going to link to the video here, because I want it to stay online. Email me if you want to see the video series of the summit.

And yet The Church of $cientology enjoys tax-exempt status in the United States for being a religion (thank you, President Clinton).

So why has Scientology gotten away with these activities for so long? Some would say that it's their secretive nature. Others say it's their crack legal team and their ability to hide behind the First Amendment. Still others think its the group's harassment policy and unrivaled ability to blackmail its members and detractors. But I say it's a lack of competition.

That's why I've decided to start my own cult, the Church of Profitology! That's right, you can have all the benefits of Scientology at a lower price than the competition! So I'm going to introduce my latest invention, on par with the discovery of fire and exceeding the importance of the wheel, the "B-Meter" (patent pending)!!!!!!


And for a limited time only, you can get my B-Meter (patent pending) absolutely free of charge. I personally guarantee that it has all the same stress-relieving qualities and medical benefits as L. Ron Hubbard's E-Meter, and it's totally free of charge if you order in the next two seconds! Not convinced yet? Take a look at some more images of my fabulous new technology!

Just grab the cans and reveal your most embarrassing secrets! The Gangplank to Freedom (copyright pending) is only moments away! Call now!

Watchin' the game, drinkin' a university-approved beverage

Before I get started, I just wanted to thank everyone who watched and spread the word about my Cloverfield review. In just one week, it's amassed nearly twice as many views as both of the "Bread" videos combined.

I watched the Super Bowl last night. Not because I cared about either of the teams (no one in the South did this year) or about football in general, but because it was convenient. You see, over the past several months my roommate and I have been trying to put together a TV show for Mercer99, the campus closed-circuit network (we'll probably put it on the Internet, too). What do these things have to do with each other? I'll explain in a few moments.

Let me educate you on some of the harsh realities of student filmmaking. There seems to be a misconception among most people that making a TV show or movie consists of simply printing a script, hiring random actors, and "letting the camera roll." You might be thinking, "Hey! I never assumed that!" Well, that's because you're not most people; you're my beloved readers.

In fact, making any sort of film is a time-consuming and complex process. We don't just "let the camera roll." Cameras are fickle machines, and in many situations need to be adjusted constantly. John does the majority of the camera work, and we've had assistance from at least two others that I remember. And when we're not being accosted by the police (because carrying a camera automatically makes you look like a terrorist/burglar/stalker/journalist), we're trying to keep senior citizens from walking right in front of the lens.

In addition, Mercer99 has an extremely limited budget. And by, "extremely limited budget," I mean, "they have no money and I need to pay for everything." Getting decent sound is the most annoying part about this. We can't afford a boom mic, so we often have to improvise using one of our two standard microphones. Remember the opening shot of "American Safari"? The only reason you could hear me was because we had a guy lying on the ground pointing a mic towards my face. The cord wasn't long enough, so we attached it to a folded umbrella with electrical tape and ribbon.

Then, of course, there's the people involved. I won't talk trash about them, because they're cool for the most part. But generally speaking, about half the people you want will show up to a scheduled shoot, and at least one will not have read the script (once we had to improvise an entire scene due to this problem). And to top it off, finding extras can be absolutely infuriating! When trying to gather extras, I tend to get one of three responses:

1. "No, I have to : a.) study for the rest of my life; b.) eat for three hours; c.) hang out with several people I already see on a daily basis."
2. "Errrmmyeeeaaahhhwelllll I dunno, I think I maaayyy have soommmmething at sometime with someone laaaaater, so maayyyyybeeeee...ummm...I'll, uuhhhhh, call you." [these people never show up]
   
3. "Cool! Sounds fun!" [There's a 75% chance of cancellation. This usually occurs within 30 minutes of filming].

Which leads me to why I chose the Super Bowl, one of the least logical days of the year, to film a scene for my show: incentive. We got nachos, pizza, and brownies (thanks Mom) to eat, and freakin' projector from the school media center to watch the game on. John and I invited everyone we could think of to come and hang out in exchange for being on the camera for a few minutes. We had a decent turnout with great people, and the scene turned out better than I'd hoped for. Not as good as I'd fantasized, but better than I'd hoped for (then again, I tend to set my expectations way too high).

So what's the moral in this? I think it's, "Don't try to make a student film," or maybe, "Pick a major with real-world application." Yeah, I think it's the second one.