I'm Gonna be a Baloney Salesman!

With my formal education drawing to a close, I'm increasingly worried about my future. What does someone with my talents do in the real world? What becomes of liberal arts students once we graduate?

Apparently, we become salesmen.

I posted my resume on some of the major career websites like Monster and Careerbuilder. Since then, my email inbox has been flooded with offers for secretarial positions, commission-based sales jobs, and at least one money laundering scheme.

That doesn't bother me too much, since as I publicly state in my online profile, I have no marketable skills. I don't expect to get a decent job straight out of college. In fact, I don't expect to get a decent job for at least another five years. What bothers me about some of these offers is the slick language some of these employers use to bait victims...er, I mean applicants.

Look, I spent four years studying the English language and media. I know how advertising and marketing work. And even without a college education, I can tell when somebody is trying to take advantage of me. The first sign is getting a job offer from a representative can't tell me what the company does. The second sign is when the job offer has any words in all caps. This also works for job descriptions that use multiple colors in the text. For example, if an email or website looks anything like this:

GREAT OPPORTUNITY! RAPID ADVANCEMENT! Do you want to work from HOME, set your OWN HOURS and be your OWN BOSS? Make up to $10K every WEEK! This is NOT A SCAM! I know because I met this ONE GUY WHO TOTALLY GOT RICH OFF THIS THING AND NOW HE GETS ALL THE LADIES!!!!!11

One of my favorite listings is one from a company called Mosaic. I'm naming the company here because I never intend to work for it, and could not care less if they offered me an interview.

Title: Merchandising Specialist

Description: "As a part-time Mosaic Merchandising Specialist, you will maximize retail awareness and sales of our client's products by conducting visits to your assigned stores on a multi-day schedule...In this role, you will be responsible for maintaining on-floor stock levels and merchandising standards; placing and maintaining point of purchase (POP) materials and price signage; and collecting and reporting detailed product placement and stock level information."

I'd say that roughly translates to:

Title: Delivery boy

Description: You're a delivery boy.

I'd be ten times more likely to take that job if Mosaic would just be that upfront about what's being offered. But then again, I suppose that they use that kind of language to weed out the dumb people who don't know what they're getting into. It's just was well, because that means there'll be better jobs left over for me. Say, maybe this whole tricky salesmanship isn't so bad after all. Hooray for social Darwinism!

The Series Finale or Something!

The final episode of Said & Undone is now on YouTube. I can't express how thankful I am to everyone who made the series possible. I also can't express how appreciative I am of all the feedback I'm getting. Because I'm not getting any. Seriously, if you're reading, let me know what you thought of Said & Undone. I'd really like some feedback, so I know where to improve.

Since we're talking about bad TV already, I recently had the pleasure of viewing a program on the History Channel about the end of the world. It was a bit outdated, because one of the speakers from the "web bot project" (a program designed to tap into the collective unconscious of the web and make predictions) stated that the Western world would be involved in nuclear combat by now. Oops. I guess the program manager got lazy. Anyway, the whole theme of the show was centered on the year 2012, complete with spooky, flickering graphics of the year a-la The Matrix. They referenced the typical prophetic literature, such as the book of Revelation and the I-Ching. The show never mentioned Nostradamus, though. Maybe it's because he thought the world would end in 1999 (he predicted the September 11th attacks, my eye). The show also referenced an alleged prophet who turned out to be an accidental stoner. She got her visions in a cave that happened to be on a fault line that leaked noxious gas.


The show's producers chose the date December 21, 2012 as the end of the world mostly because that's where the Mayan calendar stops. You know, the Mayans who predicted that pale-skinned gods would come to them in 1519, the same year that the Conquistadors arrived? Wow, they were right about that! Only the Conquistadors weren't gods, and they slaughtered practically the entire civilization. But of course believers think that this was all allegorical or misinterpreted prophecy from the Mayans, though this doesn't stop them from believing an end to the calendar means a literal end of the earth. Does this mean that the world will end on December 31, 2008, because my calendar stops on that day?

I'm already making plans for what I'll do on December 21, 2012. I'm going to throw a big "End of the World Hootenanny." There'll be cocktails, a band, and all sorts of festive decorations. I'll hang black streamers and use gas masks as table ornaments. Since it's right around Christmas, kids will be able to sit in the Grim Reaper's lap and ask him for presents. And hey, we might as well sacrifice and roast a goat just in case the Mayans were right. And everyone's invited! So come on and tell me what your ideas are for the End of the World Hootenanny, so it'll be fun for all!

iBlunders and eNarcissism

There's a new service being provided on MyHeritage.com that's all the rage on Facebook. It's called "celebrity face recognition," where vain individuals such as myself load a photo of ourselves onto the MyHeritage website, and the face recognition program shows us what celebrities we look most like. Needless to say, some of my match-ups were dead-on, but I strongly disagree with others. Below the photo, you can see some commentary on each of the results.

• Brad Pitt: Hell yes.
• Martin Lawrence: Oh come on. I'm way funnier than Martin Lawrence.
• William Wyler: A three-time, Oscar-winning, French Jewish director. Sounds about right to me. I mean, that's exactly what comes to mind whenever I think of a German Lutheran blogger.
• Mark Feehily: A gay Irish boy band sensation? Why doesn't he just wear a name tag that says, "Hi, my name is JIM"?
• Patrick Swayze: Huh. I'm not sure how to feel about this one. Do women still think he's hot? I guess I always thought he was kinda goofy-looking.
• Edward Norton: Much like his character in Hulk, I too transform into a terrifying beast whenever angered. Right on, celebrity face recognizer!
• Estalla Warren: Despite my brief foray into synchronized swimming and swimsuit modeling, I refuse to be associated with anybody involved in the Planet of the Apes remakes.
• Rabindranath Tagore: I'd put in some sort of witty comment, but I can't. I looked this guy up on Wikipedia (and we all know how reliable they are over there), and I honestly can't understand half the words on it. I guess he was a writer? I don't know. Maybe I should brush up on my Bengali.

Well, that's all for today. And just in case you're wondering, the Monday updates are still a go. But I've decided to update other days from time to time should the mood strike me. Peace out.

Said & DONE

The final episode of “Said & Undone” is playing on MERCER99. The magnificent John Wooden and I stayed up until two in the morning to get it finished on time. As much as I enjoyed working on the project, I’m glad it’s over. There’s still the matter of getting it on YouTube and making DVDs, but I don’t have to worry about hours of filming and editing, and I don’t have to deal with the frustration of getting the cast and crew together to sacrifice their free time for something for which they’re getting very little reward.

However, as a reward to myself, I'm taking this week off. But I'll be back next week with all sorts of hilarious adventures to regale you on (or maybe just one).