It's a small world after all

I've had the "Indiana Jones" theme song stuck in my head for the past two weeks, as I'm sure many of you have. It's impossible to turn on the television for more than two minutes without some restaurant or breakfast cereal doing a cross-promotion. And if you walk into any grocery store, you can bet that you'll see promotional packaging on candy or soda with good ol' Harrison ford on it. Next thing you know, you've got the familiar, "DA dada DAAAA da-daDAAAA," playing in your head. I learned a few years ago that the only way to stop a song from playing in your head all day is to think of one even worse. Hence the title of the post.

Yeah, I know, I'm an evil little man for doing that to you, but at least you've got a change of inner ambiance, right? Anyway, I think it's a shame that the Indiana Jones themes song is being so overused. I mean, a really good soundtrack is being destroyed! Why would anyone do that? Have Lucas, Spielberg, and Williams run out of money, so they need to license the track to as many third parties as possible? Are the corporations trying to salvage tarnished reputations by using an American icon for a new face? Is God punishing us for our sins through John Williams by making us listen to the same thing over and over and over again?

As for the movie itself, I thought it was decent. It's not a fantastic movie, but it has its merits. I've heard a lot of people complain about the source of the crystal skulls and the movie's ending, but when you think about it, its not really much less realistic than any of the others. Sure, it came as a surprise to all of us, but let's put things in perspective: If we accept the fact that Indiana Jones is an archeology professor who can take down entire battalions of Nazis and communists, dodge bullets, and discover both the Holy Grail and the Ark of the Covenant, can we really complain about the ending of Crystal Skull being unbelievable?

I've heard others complain that the latest movie is just mindless action with special effects here and there, but isn't that basically a description of every Indiana Jones film? They were never about deep themes or relevant messages. They're about watching Harrison Ford run around beating America's political enemies. They're fun movies, and I think Spielberg and Lucas accomplished what they set out to do.

All in all, I've had a good run

As of last Saturday, I am an official graduate of Mercer University. As far as anyone in the graduation audience knows. Truth be told, I still have to take one online summer course, Intro to Philosophy, before I get my diploma. But mark my words, on June 20th, I’ll be a proud recipient of a BA in Communication and Theater Arts and a minor in Christianity. There’s no limit to what I can accomplish with all the opportunities available to people with my degree! I could even manage a frickin’ Arby’s.

Now that I’m out of school (well, sort of), I’m desperately searching for a job that doesn’t involve polo shirts and plastic name tags. Looking through various job options and seeing the qualifications (they usually go something like, “Seeking an employee with more experience than you”) has made me examine the past four years and the valuable lessons I’ll keep the rest of my life. It is on that note that I bring you:

Absolutely Everything I Learned in College

How to create your own problems
Academia is often referred to as the “Ivory Tower” for a good reason. Institutions of higher education are insulated from the outside world, like a snow globe inside a gigantic beer cooler. Needless to say, life is good for us big shot academics, not having to deal with so many problems that plague the outside world. It’s so good, in fact, that we’ve become adept at creating the illusion of oppression. College gives you the ability to become so bored with your life that you have to invent new conflicts just to be entertained. Thus we have the enigmatic figure known as “The Man.” The Man is basically the academic’s version of the boogeyman, and usually takes the form American politicians and corporate executives. Even though universities benefit from a democratic, capitalistic society, it’s so much more fun to pretend to be an oppressed victim. It just adds to the adventure of life!

Never mix tequila with Tahitian Treat
Tahitian Treat is a soda distributed almost exclusively in the South, and it’s a terrible shame. If you’ve never had it, first imagine carbonated Hawaiian Punch. Then add about twelve pounds of sugar, and you’ve got a pretty good idea of what Tahitian Treat has to offer. Try it out if you ever get the chance, but like the section title says, don’t ever – and I mean ever – mix it with tequila. I got the idea to do this, calling the mix “Polynesian Punch” a couple months ago on a whim because I figured:

A: I love sugar.
B: Tequila makes everything better.

Instead, the stuff tasted like cough syrup. To make matters worse, the chemicals in the two drinks reacted in a weird way, effectively raising my body temperature about eighty degrees. My entire body turned bright red, as if I had been sunburned, baked in a Quizno’s oven, and given “pink bellies” all over my body by a professional wrestler. Combine this with my new facial hair, and you get – well, just look:

Before Punch / After Punch

Consider yourself warned.

Causes are trendy!
Do you care about international issues? Do you tell all your friends about the great work you’re doing for the world, but still haven’t let absolutely EVERYBODY know how generous and charitable you are? Spread the word about your philanthropy with stylish clothes and handbags!

Okay, I admit I used Photoshop to make this, but only because I couldn’t find the actual bag I’ve seen on campus that looks exactly like this. I’m not the one trivializing the issue here.

Everything you have to say is important
"Fasten your seat belt Professor, because I'm about to drop a load of knowledge on you." This is my all-time favorite quote from a student in an ethics class I took. College is the one time where you can talk about Aristotle, Kafka, organ selling, and Spider-Man all at once and actually have people listen to you. After all, you never know when you're going to make the next major philosophical breakthrough! If you don't spread your knowledge to the unwashed masses, who will?

Well, there you have it. Yep, that's really all. You know, I'm not sure at this point whether or not I'll miss the world of academia. I've already made the decision to get out in the real world (at least once I've got a job), unlike my friends who opted to travel to a magical land called, "Grad School." If Arby's offers me the opportunity to use my liberal arts education to its fullest extent, if it's a place where I can truly express myself creatively and intellectually (I am, after all, a sophisticated academic), I think I'll be okay.

In which I state many controversial things

I know this is late, but it's because of all the stuff I've had to do with final exams, graduation, and packing up to go home. I've uploaded a video which, like the title says, may be considered offensive to some. This one isn't nearly as funny as I intended, but I hope to make more of these movies in the future when I have more time to work on them. Regardless, I hope my video makes some valid points and makes you think about TV advertising.