Greener than ever

Remember when "green" was just a color? I always used to associate it with leprechauns. These days, green is so often associated with environmentalism that I feel like the color itself ought to have its name changed so it can have its own identity again. Maybe something like gurple.

But I'm not one to stand in the way of progress. Regardless of your stance on global warming, we should all probably do our part to preserve the environment and reduce our dependence on fossil fuels. It's time we take serious action in the quest for alternative energy sources.

I recently read an article in Popular Science entitled, "10 Audacious Ideas to Save the Planet," which addresses alternative energy concepts ranging from orbiting solar panels to putting all of our carbon dioxide into giant balloons in the bottom of the ocean. What I found most astonishing was not the sheer ridiculousness of some of the ideas (like contained tornadoes), but that they never contacted me for any of their information. Since the mainstream media insists on suppressing the voices of us hardworking and patriotic bloggers, I'm forced to share my innovative ideas on this site. Here are some energy-saving concepts you may not have heard of:

Mastication
Did you know that every time you chew, your jaw produces a tiny bit of heat? For thousands of years, we have made no attempt to harness this power (it's no doubt that the big oil companies are behind this). My proposal is to hook up heat conductors and wires to kitchen light bulbs, which will be inserted into the mouths of families sitting down to dinner. That way, the light stays on for the exact amount of time the meal lasts.

Caves
Humanity has spent most of its existence as a nomadic species, traveling from cave to cave as the seasons changed. Why don't we try that? Caves are cool in the summer and tolerable in the winter without any electricity. With a little feng shui, your average cave can be quite fashionable. Sure there might be bears, but we can easily make peace with an offering of pic-a-nic baskets. If there are any moms reading, think about how you'll never have to yell at your kids for drawing on the walls again! As for the dads out there, doesn't a barbecue really make you feel like a man? Well, just imagine cooking steaks for your family from a mammoth you slaughtered with your bare hands! Your chest can get hairier just thinking about it!

Spider-Man
Peter Parker is supposed to be some kind of genius, right? He could be solving the energy crisis instead of constantly going after that hussy Mary Jane. I mean, has he even made an attempt to calculate his web's carbon footprint? I've started a letter-writing campaign telling Spidey to get his priorities in order.

Politicians
A turbine will be placed in every government building in Washington, D.C. to harness all the hot air that comes out of politicians' mouths. In one day it would provide enough energy to power Michigan for a year. GET IT? POLITICIANS?? HOT AIR??? HILARIOUS!

Scientology
According to the first page of data in Scientology's OT III document, Xenu, the evil former ruler of the Galactic Confederation, has been imprisoned somewhere on Earth in an electronic trap for the past 75 million years. What I want to know is what is powering this trap, and how can we bring it to the good people of our planet? Come on Tom Cruise, get on it! Xenu's probably dead by now, anyway.

So those are my ideas for reducing the harm we're doing to the environment. No need to thank me when the earth is finally safe.

Real life is boring, and a shout-out to Carol

Unemployment has freed my mind to consider the profound questions of life. Why are we here? Does God exist? How many brownies can I fit in my mouth at once?

Unfortunately, all this free time can lead to incredible boredom. That's why I love the Sci Fi Channel. If you ever want to laugh and feel better about your own life, watch a Sci Fi channel original movie. A new one gets released just about every other Saturday, and with budgets of over one million dollars, you know you're in for some great entertainment. Who can doubt the quality of films with titles such as Boa vs. Python and Frankenfish?

Sci Fi ran a zombie movie marathon yesterday, with the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead as the featured title. The one I was most interested in, however, was the channel's very own Dead & Deader. It's the first film directed by Patrick Dinhut, who you may know from...I guess high school if you both happened to go to the same one. It was written by Mark Altman and Steven Kriozere, who have worked on masterpieces such as the film House of the Dead 2 and the children's cartoon Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi.

The star of Dead & Deader was, of all people, Dean Cain of the 90s TV show, Lois & Clark. That's right, f-ing Superman was in this! He plays Lt. John Quinn, a soldier infected with a zombie virus who somehow retains conscious thought. He teams up with a stereotypical black man named Judson (Guy Torry) to stop the his undead former teammates from spreading the infection.

At first I wondered why Quinn was the only zombie to act like a normal person, but then I got distracted when he put another zombie's arm into a meat grinder while Judson chopped off a lady's head with a ceiling fan. I snapped back into reality when I started hearing amazing one-liners like, "Your story has more holes than a Michael Bay film."

As you'd expect, the virus gets out of control, a crazy doctor wants to get his hands on it, the hot girlfriend gets kidnapped, and blah blah blah. There's an obligatory explosion at the end, and everyone goes their separate ways. Meanwhile Judson becomes more and more stereotypically black as the movie progresses. That's saying a lot, because his fifth line is about chicken and biscuits. About a third of the way through he puts on a shiny red jacket a-la Michael Jackson (which stays shiny despite getting covered in gore) and his Southern accent eventually becomes unintelligible.

I'm focusing on Judson so much because, sadly, he's the most interesting character. Lt. Quinn is so unmemorable that I had to look up his name online. I was going to look up the hot girlfriend's name, but I didn't care enough.

Overall, Dead & Deader was an entertaining movie, albeit in all the wrong ways. Dean Cain, if you're reading this, you can do much better.

Something you may or may not have known

While I'm certainly not an elitist, I find that it's sometimes good to set certain standards in life. For example, if I order a hamburger at a restaurant, I expect it to be hot and delicious, preferably cooked between medium and medium-well, with fresh vegetables and buns. I also like my french fries to be crispy and well-salted. If the server brings me a charcoal briquette on hardtack with a side of raw bacon, that meal does not meet my standards. I have similar standards when it comes to the English language. I like to hear people using proper grammar. I cringe when I hear someone say, "There's about a hundred birds in that flock," or, "I ain't seen nothin', " or, "Y'all." I have learned to tolerate these errors since they are so common. But the one aberration in English that I can't stand is, "ish."

Ish is not a word. Ish has never been a word. Ish is what is known as a suffix, meaning it is added to the end of words. Examples include:

Brutish
Foolish
Hellish
Ghoulish
Standoffish

...and so on. Lately, it has been popular to attach ish to the end of sentences to deemphasize the adjectives, as in, "The movie was good. Ish," and "Your new dress is very slimming. Ish." Perhaps I'm the only one annoyed by this trend, but to me it raises fears of what future generations will think of our time. Think of how much less respect we'd have for past leaders if we had quotes like,

"Give me liberty or give me death. Ish."

-Patrick Henry

"All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence. Ish."

-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Ish."

-Abraham Lincoln

How will today's national heroes be remembered? Just think of how many profound statements will be ruined by that little grammatical error. Things don't look too bright for our generation at all.