A Tribute to Michael Savage

Every day it seems like the United States is becoming increasingly divided. This is never clearer than in election years, when we see more and more divisive issues being brought up by presidential candidates, then immediately taken back when those issues turn out to be unpopular. It feels like nearly everyone has become a complete cynic about their opposing political party. If you're a Republican, people think you're a war-mongering Social Darwinist who's out to kill all the black people, and if you're a Democrat, they think you're a soft-headed idealist who wants to teach third-graders how to have sex.

You can hardly discuss anything without it having a political slant these days. Religion, medicine, business, and even horticulture have all become politically-charged issues. It can be paralyzing; you never know who you're going to offend. Sometimes lifelong friendships even end as a result of political differences.

But there is a glimmer of hope, America. Amidst all the conflict, one man rises above the clouds of confusion, his head held high. This man is none other than radio host Dr. Michael "Savage" Weiner.

Michael Savage is the man who will unite the nation. If we can get everyone in the United States to listen to his insights into politics, society, and human nature, we can all finally come together as a people and agree that Michael Savage is completely insane.

If you've never heard of Dr. Savage, then you've made it my great pleasure to introduce him. He's the host of the right-wing political talk radio show, "The Savage Nation." If you want to get a good idea of where he stands politically, I suggest using the following diagram (click for a larger view):

If you listen to him talk for more than 10 minutes, you will realize that this man lives his life in two states: asleep and angry. Name a topic, and Michael's yelled about it on his show. "The Savage Nation" is reportedly heard by over 10 million people every day, though it's really 20 million by his estimate. He gets this figure from...some sort of magical figure-creating fairy, I guess. Except he would never let a fairy near him, since they're destroying America with their same-sex marriages (I was speaking of fairies in a literal sense, but there's no way Savage would take the risk).

Now, I realize that a lot of people are against same-sex marriages for theological reasons, and I'm not here to argue about that. No, what I'm here to talk about is Savage's belief that socialist public school teachers are collaborating with Nazi-controlled Hollywood to not just teach your kids that it's alright to be gay, but to make them gay and teach them how to have gay sex, thus dismantling the fragile institution of marriage (though his first marriage ended in divorce).

But that's not the ONLY thing Michael Savage is angry about! Other evils include:

• Catholics
• Mexicans
• Abortion (his first wife had two while they were married)
• Sex education (remember kids, abortion is bad, but so are contraceptives!)
  
• Rappers
  
• Pornography (his son is the CEO of Rockstar Energy Drink, a big sponsor of "Girls Gone Wild")
• Muslims
• Gay people (I know I already wrote that, but he hates them so much that it needed to be stated twice)
• Conservatives (when they're tolerating gay people)
• The media (except, of course, his show)
  
• Autistic kids (he changed that position when he started losing advertisers)
• Liberalism (everything listed above is automatically caused by this, even the conservatives he doesn't like)
  
• Miscellaneous (changes from day to day)

The reason I love Michael Savage is not because I like his opinions, but because just about everyone can agree that this man is out of his mind. His world view is so warped that he seems to believe that "Leave it to Beaver," is a documentary of how America really was in the 1950s. He's so right-wing that even Bill O'Reilly dislikes him. No matter how heated a political argument gets, I can neutralize it by saying, "Well, at least [that person I/you support] isn't as bad as Michael Savage." In fact, I would love it if he ran for president just so we could watch the speeches and debates. Not only would it make for some entertaining TV, we'd see voter participation higher than any other time in history, just to prevent this man from getting into office.

I'm going to leave you today with a recording of my very favorite Michael Savage quotes. If you have kids, play it for them before they go to sleep, and I guarantee they won't be afraid of the boogeyman anymore. Just think of it as my gift to you. I'll admit right up front that some of these quotes may have been taken slightly out of context (though others are not), mainly because they sound way funnier this way. But you have my absolute promise that Dr. Savage sounds every bit as crazy in context. In fact, there are clips of him in context all over youtube.

Well, that's about all I have to say today. Have a wonderful week, America.

I won the War on Christmas

I was cruising around town like I’ve been known to do, and I saw a sign at the local video store advertising a “Christmas in July Sale.” I was, of course, appalled. It should have read, “Nondenominational Winter Holiday in July Sale.” I immediately parked my car and filed a grievance with the manager, who acted like he had never heard this complaint before. I then informed him that I would be reporting his company to the ACLU, as the store was obviously run by bigots.

Okay, so that never happened. I just thought it would be funny to write something like that. But since we’re already talking about stores, sales, and holidays, it’s back to school season! Stores are stocking up on pencils and notebooks, with ads portraying students smiling widely and jumping out of their seats from the anticipation of hunching over their desks and studying algebra. Just like in real life!

This can only mean one thing: just three more weeks until the holiday shopping season starts! There are such whimsical new decorations and toys every year, and I can hardly wait. In fact, I have an inside source who was able to show me a few of this year’s hot items. You’d better start ordering now, because come November it’s going to be tough to get your hands on:

The Three Hot New Holiday Products of 2008

Insulting Tree Ornaments

The holiday season is the time of year to show people how you feel. So why not be honest? Nobody likes everybody, so express your disappointment in others with these festive decorations. These ornaments are a beautiful addition to any home, and they come with an optional engraving of the recipient’s name.

Drunken In-Law Holiday Bear

The holidays are also a time to be with your family. Sadly, rising travel prices make it difficult for many families to get together during this season. But that doesn’t mean they can’t still give each other the experience of being home for the holidays! Introducing the Drunken In-Law Holiday Bear. It comes standard with a glass of eggnog and cigarette (ash tray not included), and if you squeeze its belly, it criticizes your home’s décor!

Precious Moments 2008

What would the holidays be without this year’s line of Precious Moments figurines? This year Gifts Gifts Gifts Inc. has decided to put a new twist on its classic line of collectibles by focusing on more down-to earth themes. This year's figurines include Judgmental Santa, Five-Week-Old Christmas Tree, and Holly Jolly Minuteman.

So there you have it! Aren’t you in the holiday spirit already? I know I am. Remember, there are only 156 days left ‘til Christmas!

Must...control...fist...of...death....

Okay, so I know it's not Monday yet, but I felt the need to share something with you. As some of you know, I love movies. The art of film is a way to tap into the hearts, minds, and imaginations of people everywhere in ways not possible in other media. I love classics like The Maltese Falcon, Citizen Kane, Touch of Evil, and Psycho, but I'm also into modern movies like the Star Wars series, The Matrix, Spider-Man, and Toy Story. Heck, I'll even sit down and watch an Austin Powers flick once in a while. Whether it's for intellectual consideration or entertainment, I really love a good movie. So you can imagine my reaction when I saw this trailer:
Disaster Movie


I'm not sure if there is even a word to describe my rage. The fact that Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (the directors of Disaster Movie) are still alive is enough to make my blood boil, but knowing that they're still making movies makes me want to fly to Hollywood with nothing but duct tape and a shovel so I can...well, the rest is far too graphic to post publicly.

Right now you might be thinking, "Why are you so mad, Jim?" Well, Friedberg and Seltzer are responsible for such monstrosities as Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Scary Movie 4 (they're only partially responsible for this one), and Superhero Movie. They didn't actually contribute to that last film, but I still blame them for it.

If you want a decent portrait of a Friedberg/Seltzer film, imagine Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2. Then take out everything that was good about them. Then imagine the writers playing "Mad Libs" with 20 different scripts from popular movies, then rearranging the pages in a random order. Then picture a cast of actors, models, and celebutantes (or whatever people like Kim Kardashian are called) getting completely hammered and wreaking havoc on a movie set for a couple of hours.

In fact, I bet I could write a review for Disaster Movie right now, without having even seen it:

"First, a guy dressed like a superhero got hit in the crotch with a blunt object. I chuckled a little. Then he got hit in the head. Then he got hit in the crotch a few more times. After that, some meteors came and actors who vaguely resemble other actors got squished. Kim Kardashian showed up a few minutes in and I threw up in my mouth a little. When Carmen Electra made an appearance, I died a little inside. Luckily, I had my flask with me, so I decided to drink until the movie was good. That plan backfired, since I had forgotten that I'm an angry drunk. I walked out of the movie after twenty minutes in a drunken stupor and drove recklessly to the hardware store. I came to the cinema with a dozen tanks of propane and burned it to the ground. The police let me off with a warning."

I'll end this post with a plea to Mr. Friedberg and Mr. Seltzer: for the sake of filmmaking, your integrity, and my local movie theater, stop making movies.

Kinda makes you think

Some of you may have heard of Jack Thompson, the Florida attorney and noted anti-fun activist. He's currently undergoing disbarment proceedings for being an incompetent lawyer and all-around nut case. Thompson is famous for his moral stances against rap music, Janet Reno, video games, and pretty much anything else that isn't either praying or doing laundry. And it had better be your own laundry, pal. Don't let him catch you touching someone else's underpants.

Mr. Thompson (or, "Crazy Old Man Jack," as I call him) is most well-known on the Internet for his protests against video games, most notably the "Grand Theft Auto" and "Counterstrike" series. You might remember him appearing on a few news programs after the tragic Virginia Tech massacre, blaming Counterstrike for poisoning Seung-Hui Cho's mind and influencing him to kill his classmates, even though this claim was contrary to all evidence. Then there was his attempt to get the folks at "Penny Arcade" investigated by the FBI for donating a $10,000 to charity in his name. The man is insane in his hatred of video games and those who make and play them.

The reason I'm bringing him up is that we haven't heard a lot from Jack lately, which I think is odd considering an extremely popular game has recently been released. This game has people lined up in front of closed stores weeks after its release. It's fast-paced, addicting, and more importantly, more immersive than anything Crazy Old Man Jack could have imagined. I'm speaking, of course, of Wii Fit.

Without a doubt, Wii Fit is the creepiest game ever made. You step on that balance board, and the game immediately starts judging you. When was the last time you played a game that could call you obese and unbalanced? It also adjusts your weight for whatever you're wearing, whether it's light (-2 lbs.), heavy (-4 lbs.), or "other" (-0 lbs.). Sure, the menu says other, but we all know what it really means: naked as a jaybird.

Then there are the mini games. Sure, some seem innocent enough, like the Hula Hoop challenge or the Table Tilt. But then you get things like the Tightrope Tension, which consists of a rope with robotic bear traps on it. If you hit one, you fall down 50 stories to your death. Then there's the jogging course, where you run down the track and look at your Mii's rear bounce up and down for ten minutes. Yeah, way to appeal to the kids, Nintendo. Oh, and what about the Balance Bubble? Your character floats down a river in a bubble, and you can't touch the shores or the buzzing bees. And what happens when you do? The bubble pops, and you drown. That's it. Your Mii is dead.

But I didn't mention the creepiest game of all: Zazen. In this game you sit cross-legged on the balance board. On the screen is a lit candle in an otherwise pitch black room. All you do is sit still while the crickets chirp. But after a few moments, you hear a mysterious noise...

Creak...creak...creak...creak...creak!

You don't know who's walking around. You can't see anybody or hear any voices. Is it a ghost? A zombie? Jack the Ripper? Dick Cheney? You'll never find out who it is; all you can do is sit there perfectly still and hope you don't get your intestines ripped out before the game is over.

So where are you, Jack Thompson? You care so much about how video games are affecting our nation's youth, you need to get on this! If we don't stop the menace of Wii fit now, impressionable children everywhere are going to leap off rooftops, drown in rivers, and break their backs trying to master yoga poses!

On a side note, I give the game an "A," it's a load of fun to play, and you'll actually break a sweat.

Territorial Dispute

Many people know that the Southeast is suffering from a water crisis. Much of the region has been in a drought for over a year, so you could say that we're getting a little thirsty down here. My home state of Georgia has an ample supply of lake and groundwater, but it's being split up among us, Florida, and Alabama. So our choices are to either use less water or find more sources. Anyone who lives in the Atlanta area knows that it's undergoing rapid economic development and experiencing an influx of people moving in from out-of-state. All this uses water, so the first option isn't really viable.

Georgia's been looking for more water since long before the drought. We thought we found some in South Carolina, but it turned out to be a mirage. Then there was insane former Macon Mayor "C. Jack" Ellis' idea to deliver some of Middle Georgia's groundwater to Atlanta in trucks. Finally, I found a stranger-than-fiction story in last month's Atlanta Magazine (yeah yeah, I'm behind the times; sue me). The Tennessee River (made famous by the popular country song of the same name) runs through Alabama and, you guessed it, Tennessee. The river comes pretty close to Georgia, barely missing it's northern border. And the state government wants a taste.

See, Georgia's official border was drawn in 1818, and redrawn in 1823. And as it turns out, the guy hired to map it got his math wrong. as a result, Georgia is 1.1 miles shorter lengthwise than it's supposed to be. If the calculations had been made correctly, we'd have our own piece of the Tennessee River to mooch from...I mean utilize.

After kicking itself for not realizing this sooner, Georgia's legislature made a ridiculous, yet ballsy move: it asked Tennessee for those missing 1.1 miles. Can you imagine the conversation the representatives must have had with each other?

Georgia: Hey, Tennessee, my man! What's up?
Tennessee: Georgia! Boy, it's been a long time since we've gotten together like this. How've you been?
Georgia: Oh, not bad, not bad. Well, we do have this one problem, you know, with the water.
Tennessee: Ooh, right, I heard about that. Tough break. We'd help you out, but -
Georgia: -Actually, you can help. See, remember that mile or so of land we accidentally dropped on your floor about 185 years ago?
Tennessee: Heh heh, oh yeah. Man, that was one wild party.
Georgia: Yeah, see, it has a pretty important piece of river in it, and we kind of need it back.
Tennessee: ...
Georgia: So...yeah...you can just drop that off whenever.
Tennessee: Get the #&$% out of my office.

So as it turns out, we're actually going to court over this. It's like the entire state has become a metaphor for the stereotypical redneck ex-couple fighting over possession of a rusty 1979 Ford Bronco with no tires. Sure, we didn't need it before, but now that we're appealing to new people, we need a sophisticated place to wine and dine. Seriously, doesn't the world already see the South as being backwards enough as it is?

Filling in for David Letterman

Wow, I really flaked out yesterday and forgot to update. I can't think of any decent excuse, since I'm unemployed and I'm not creative enough to lie about having a real job that keeps me distracted. Come to think of it, I probably just should have done that.

I like to remain optimistic in these times of trial. I try to keep myself under the delusion that maybe my next call won't be met with rejection, unlike the previous two-hundred. In addition, I do my best to observe the positive aspects of unemployment. I've arranged these into one of my always delightful lists, called,

The Top Ten Great Things About Being Unemployed

10. There's plenty of time to sort coins for cashing in later.
9. Daydreams of what to do with your lottery winnings become much more vivid.
8. Your toenails will never be trimmed so neatly.
7. Loss of self-esteem due to constant rejection will make even being considered for a job seem like the hand of God has descended upon you with choirs of angels just to give you a pat on the back. Also Harrison Ford is there to give you a high five.
6. As Notorious BIG said, "mo' money, mo' problems."
5. Checking Facebook and MySpace every day will help you learn everything about your friends. EVERYTHING.
4. Hours of watching "Jerry Springer" and "Maury" will make your life seem so much better by comparison.
3. High gas prices no longer matter, since you don't need to drive anywhere.
2. Plenty of time to plan your outfit for the next comic book convention.
1. Two words: sleeping in.

That's it for today. I'm going to start working on making updates more often. Those AdSense checks don't write themselves, you know! I figure if I double my traffic, in three years I'll make over a hundred dollars.