Happy 4th of October!

I love Halloween (at least I did before paranoid soccer moms ruined it), and even as an adult I still get excited when I see orange and black decorations in the fall. So with October 31st right around the corner, you can bet I'm getting all hyped up.

Wait, what's that you say? It's August? Halloween is over two months away? Oh, sorry, I guess I got confused when my girlfriend sent me this:

We were both perplexed by this image. At first I thought that this display must be at some sort of dollar store. Those places pretty much get whatever merchandise they can whenever it's available, so it would make sense for one to have Halloween decorations next to American flags left over from Independence Day. Either that, or it was some sort of mix-up at a mainstream store. That was until I saw a Halloween-themed magazine at a supermarket and display of Halloween pop-up books, gummy vampire bats, and wax fangs at a local book store.

I've got a big problem with this. Marketers have already taken away much of the joy I used to associate with Christmas by putting out merchandise in early October. And now they're moving in on Halloween. I don't know about other people out there, but one of the things I like about holidays is that they only come around once a year. If we celebrated something and exchanged gifts every day, it wouldn't be special anymore, and we'd get tired of it. So when days like Christmas and Halloween get turned into sixty to ninety day-long promotional events, I tend to get jaded to them.

But as usual, I have a solution.

America's businessmen are simply doing what they normally do: increasing demand for the products they sell by making the selling seasons longer. The problem is that they're not diversifying their investments. There are plenty of holidays with product-selling potential that just haven't been exploited, leaving big gaps of marketing potential, and saturating the marketplace with the same old things. Take Labor Day, for instance. Nobody seems to care about it anymore. Sure, a lot of white collar workers get to take the day off, but there's no real excitement. So I've decided to form a new marketable tradition around Labor Day so maybe big business will ease up a little on the other holidays.

First we need a mascot. I recommend Peter J. McGuire, who had the initial idea for Labor Day in 1882.
McGuire, or "PJ," as he'll be known, will wake up around noon the first Monday in September. He'll don a suit of armor in honor of the Knights of Labor (the organizers of the first Labor Day parade) and fly around the US atop his magical Teamster-certified semi truck, driven by the ghost of Jimmy Hoffa. He'll deliver unclaimed unemployment checks to children until 3pm so he can beat the traffic home. I can see it now:

There! Now that Labor Day has a new and easy-to-sell image, we can stop saturating the market with Halloween and Christmas! We can preserve what little integrity these holidays have left!

Right?

Please?

My Girlfriend is Very Results-Driven

Sorry gang, but I've only got time for a quickie post today. While I try to stay away from the "personal" posts, I just thought this was pretty funny. My girlfriend Carol and I went to "Dave & Busters" last week, and this was the result:

That photo is of about 4100 tickets, equaling 8200 points at the "Winner's Circle" prize store. I won approximately 300 of them. Carol won the rest.

She also won me this dolphin.

Them's Good Eatin': Part II

Last week I wrote a post about the ultimate investment, Shakespeare's Choice Gourmet Pasties. As it turns out, nobody bid on "The most recognizable trademark in the Western world," and both it and the domain name, www.shakespeareschoicegourmetpasties.com, remain unsold. But that isn't stopping our pal Marty Highton! Using all his business savvy and marketing insight, he made an uprecedented move that will completely turn this situation around: he relisted the auction at reduced price.


Absolutely brilliant.

Stop. Stop Right Now

The Internet is a mecca of free speech and self-expression. Ordinary people can easily start online groups for political discussion and to gain support for social causes. While the idea of a worldwide public forum is the ultimate ideal behind democracy, it has an unintended consequence. Many people (teenagers in particular) now live under the delusion that everything is a democracy. This mistake has led to one of the most annoying trends on the Internet: online petitions.

The online petition is based on certain people's confusion between emails and ballots. The logic is that if enough people complain, somebody else will solve our problems for us, no matter how ridiculous the problem or farfetched the solution. Don't like the minimum wage? Petition for an increase! Having relationship trouble? Petition to make divorce easier! Worried about home insurance coverage? Petition to make fire illegal!

A Google search for the word, "petition," yields over 48 million results on the day of this writing. But there's a special place in my heart for the ones on Facebook. This is because while online petitions are useless in general, the ones on Facebook are especially irrelevant. They're made by people who have absolutely no idea how the world works. For example, there's the group "15,000,000 for lower gas prices." I'm all for lower gas prices, but the fact that anyone believes that fuel costs will magically drop just because he or she signs a Facebook petition astounds me. That's like if you or I were to walk into a gas station and tell the attendant, "I don't want to pay fifty bucks to fill up, so I'm gonna pay you half. I've got a printout of a bunch of emails from people who agree with me, so it's ok. We're cool, right?"

That petition is obviously a useless response to a relevant issue, but my favorite petitions respond to irrelevant issues. Right now there are at least three different groups garnering support to award Heath Ledger a posthumous Oscar for his performance in The Dark Knight, even though Academy Awards are awarded by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. I guess none of these petitioners have heard of the People's Choice Awards. You know, the ones they, the people, actually have a say in.

Oh, but the petitioning fun doesn't stop there! My personal favorites include:

• Petition to Lower the Drinking Age to 18 CLICK THE LINK, SIGN IT - The description of the group reads, "MOVE THE DRINKING AGE UP TO 23!!!!" I guess the people joining forgot that an e-signature is not the same as a vote. It's okay, though. They were probably drunk when they joined.
  
• . Facebook Will Be Forced to Shutdown ! Join and Save it! - Facebook and competing website ConnectU have been legally battling each other for years over various issues. Some high schooler somehow got it in her head that, if Facebook loses all its money from legal costs, she can save it by making an online petition! I didn't know business worked like that!
  
• Petition for John Lennon Day - It's pretty much exactly what it sounds like. The goal is to get 6.4 million people to sign the petition and send it to world leaders to lead to an international holiday in remembrance of John Lennon.
  
• Students Against Facebook News Feed (official Petition to Facebook) - These people never figured out how to change the privacy settings in their profiles.
• Petition to get the entire Hey Arnold series on DVD - Really? You couldn't find a moderately more important cause than this?
• 4 Day Week, 3 Day Weekend. (Official Government Petition) - This petition to make the school week shorter takes the cake. Not only does this actually promote laziness, it does so in the laziest way possible. As if that wasn't enough, the group's description actually makes me think we should extend the school week:
  

"ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This group might not work, but it might work. So join anyway, is it that hard to join all u have to do is click join. Don't join this if ur just going to say, that it is stupid and wont work. Cuz it might work and all u have to do is join, for all u people trash talking this group, dont u have anything better to do than trash talk this, sitting on ur fat f***ing ***es, just join and hope that it will work.

If enough people join this group, in about a year. We might set up a date and go on strike until they change it. They cant make us go to school, teachers go on strike why cant we?

THIS GROUP IS FOR CANADA AND UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! ONLY!"

Oh my God! You mean students can go on strike if they don't like school? They aren't legally required to get an education?! Why didn't anyone tell me this when I was that age?! And the petition also has a link to an Xbox Live group? That's totally awesome!!!!!

Sarcasm aside, the preceding petition was started by a Canadian, proving once and for all that stupidity is not limited to the USA. In fact, I think I felt a few of my brain cells die just writing this post. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I think my views have any more effect on the world than these, erm, upstanding citizens, but at least I have the good sense to realize it.

Since I've only covered a few examples here, I know that there are far more ludicrous petitions out there. Have any of you seen some lately? Post the funniest ones you've found!

You Know I'm Right

The Summer Olympics are here once again, bringing people of all nations together in celebration of human perseverance and sportsmanship. And this time, the Chinese government has added to the festivities by doing what it does best: a bad job lying to everybody!

Now that the obligatory jab at China is out of the way, I'd like to say that I've never been a huge fan of the Olympics; I just never found sports all that appealing. So it goes without saying that I haven't been paying too much attention to the games on television, though with all the censorship I'll find out just as much about them, if not more, through hearsay (okay, now the obligatory jabs at China are out of the way).

I'm not alone in my lack of interest. TV coverage of the Olympic games has seen decreased ratings over the years. This got me thinking: what can be done to broaden the Olympics' potential audience? The obvious answer is to add more events. We have already seen the rise of such sports as synchronized swimming, badminton, and table tennis in recent decades, so why not expand the events even further? It is with this in mind that I am proposing the following new Olympic events for 2012:

Shoplifting
















Disguised athletes have thirty seconds to enter a local convenience store and leave with at least one item without paying for it. Contestants are judged based on speed, stealth, number of items stolen and estimated retail value of said items (measured in the host nation's currency). If a competitor gets caught, he or she is automatically disqualified. This event doubles as an excellent sponsorship opportunity!

Dating Gary Busey














A makeshift diner is set up in the stadium, where competitors go on a date with Gary Busey. They are judged by their ability to hide their fear. Each athlete must last at least ten minutes with him or face disqualification.


Wikipedia Editing










The athletes sit at computers in the stadium. They must edit as many pages as possible with inaccurate and/or unverifiable information until they are banned by the administrators. Contenders are judged based on number of pages edited, believability, and use of leet speak. Bonus points will be automatically awarded if Wikipedia's IP logs show a student accessing an edited page for last-minute essay facts.

Crushing Cars with Monster Trucks












I think this one speaks for itself.

So there you have it! If the International Olympics Committee is reading, it can feel free to use any of these innovative suggestions. How about you, loyal readers? What events would you like to see in the future? Leave a comment with your ideas!

I Will Burn Down Los Angeles

You may remember a previous post I made about the upcoming abomination Disaster Movie, in which I threatened various acts of violence against its directors. That was immature and probably unwarranted, but hey, I was upset, and I never made any claims to being mature, anyway.

Just as my rage was beginning to subside, I saw an announcement for an upcoming movie entitled Crossroads 2 on the TV Guide channel. Now I know what you're thinking: "Crossroads 2? I don't even know what Crossroads is!" And that's good. Because Crossroads was a 2002 movie starring BRITNEY #@!&ing SPEARS! It's a movie that was better off as a faded memory, resting in unreachable areas of the collective subconscious, but Hollywood just won't let it die!

When I saw the announcement, the first thoughts that came to mind were along these lines:

"Oh God. Oh Holy Mother of God. No. No. NO! NonononononononononononoNO!" I REFUSE to live in a reality where Britney Spears is in more movies! Somebody better $%&#ing restrain me, because Lord knows what might happen if I get anywhere near the kitchen knives or anything flammable! You will pay for this, Hollywood! I will summon the GODS AND DEMONS OF MOVIES TO COME FORTH FROM THEIR KINGDOM AND SMITE ALL OF HOLLYWOOD AND THE EVIL IT HAS SPAWNED. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!"

...and then I blacked out for a while. I...I need to be alone now. Right after a trip to the liquor store.

Them's Good Eatin'

I didn't make this up.

I have a special treat for you today that came to me through a couple of sources who will remain anonymous for business reasons. A man named Marty Highton is selling the trademark of a name and logo you've almost certainly heard of. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Shakespeare's Choice Gourmet Pasties.

Click for larger view

Huh? What do you mean you haven't heard of it? Have you been living under a rock? Marty says it's, "The most recognizable trademark in the Western World," so you must be totally ignorant and uncultured.

Truth be told, the man selling this trademark first registered the name with California's copyright office in mid-2007. He advertised the sale through a thick, photocopied packet he sent around to various big food corporations. While pasties are an actual food, there is no such product as "Shakespeare's Choice." There is only a name and logo. According to the packet, Mr. Highton started in business preserving butterflies, and he used to know Johnny Cash, which is why his totally awesome sketch of William Shakespeare is worth seven million dollars.

Click for larger view

Yep, forget about using lawyers and sales representatives to sell your brand, the way to make it in corporate America is through eBay auctions!

One of Marty's brilliant sales tactics is to claim that Shakespeare "endorsed" pasties in his plays (you know, since most of the world would know something like that). He includes quotes from The Merry Wives of Windsor, All's Well That Ends Well, and The Tragedy of Titus Andronicus. The first quote, “Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come we have a hot venison pasty to dinner: come gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness,” isn't too bad, except that the play is all about mean-spirited people tricking each other for financial gain and their own amusement. The second quote reads, "I will confess what I know without constraint: If ye pinch me like a pasty, I can say no more." Parolles, the character who says this line, has been captured and is about to be interrogated. He's basically stating that he will give the desired information. "Pinch me like a pasty," actually refers to torture.

My personal favorite, though, is the last quote, "And make two pasties of your shameful heads." It doesn't make too much sense by itself, so let's put it in context:

Hark, wretches! how I mean to martyr you.
This one hand yet is left to cut your throats,
Whilst that lavinia 'tween your stumps doth hold
The Basin that receives your guilty blood.
You know your mother means to feast with me,
And calls herself Revenge, and thinks me mad:
Hark, Villains! I will grind your bones to dust
And with your blood make a paste,
And of the paste a coffin I will rear
And make two pasties of your shameful heads...

The Tragedy of Titus Andronicus
Act V, Scene II, lines 181-190

Well there you have it, ladies and gentlemen! For the scant price of seven million dollars, you can own Shakespeare's Choice Gourmet Pasties, the creepiest food in existence! I can just imagine the ads:

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Stupid Style

I've got to confess something: I'm a fast food junkie. My love of fast food is probably the biggest reason why I find it difficult to lose weight. I got off the wagon earlier this year, spending over a month without the sensual delights of burger joints and taco stands. What nobody told me was that this would detoxify my body, nearly destroying my tolerance for this kind of food. Did you know that eating at Taco Bell after going over a month without causes muscular pain? And not just in the abdomen, either.

Unfortunately I decided to go against all logic and actually worked through the pain just to be able to eat food that's bad for me. So once again I find myself craving personal pan pizzas and deep fried chicken sandwiches with bacon on top. I now find it hard to resist going straight over to the local Burger King whenever they announce a new product (that new product being the aforementioned deep fried chicken sandwich with bacon on a commercial I saw just this morning). This is especially inconvenient since the trend at fast food restaurants over the past few years has been to release a new item about once a month.

Sometimes companies like to push their new products really hard for various reasons. Take, for example, the McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich. It came out a few months ago, and it looks like the chain is trying to make it a permanent menu item. The concept is simple: a breaded chicken breast with two pickle slices on a bun. The McDonald's website boasts: "The all-new Southern Style Chicken is so tasty, you won't even need to dress it to enjoy it."

I have a big problem with this sandwich. I haven't actually tried it, since I'm not really a McDonald's fan. No, I have a problem with the way it's being marketed. See, there is exactly one reason this "glorious" sandwich has the name, "Southern Style": McDonald's stole the idea from the Southern restaurant chain Chick-Fil-A. There is nothing "all-new" about it.

Chick-Fil-A's claim to fame is the "original" chicken sandwich, which contains - wait for it - a breaded chicken breast with two pickle slices on a bun. If you ever eat at a Chick-Fil-A, you'll see the recognizable phrase, "We didn't invent the chicken, just the chicken sandwich," painted on the wall. I wasn't raised in the South, so I'm probably not as fanatical about the restaurant as some of my friends who were. But I've lived here long enough to know that it makes much better chicken than McDonald's. Like, infinitely better. Which begs the question of why on Earth I would see any McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich commercials here in Georgia? I can sort of understand marketing this product in the North since those poor souls don't know any better, but everyone here sees the ads and thinks, "Dude, that is such a ripoff."

McDonald's will never make money off its new sandwich in the South. It just won't. If I'm going to take in that much cholesterol, I'm going to get it from something that tastes good. Advertising a blatant ripoff of a favorite Southern food in the South isn't just stupid, it's insulting. Despite what much of the world seems to think, the American South isn't solely made up of slack-jawed, dead-eyed trailer trash who will fall for something like this. Heck, even those people can see right through this McDonald's campaign. It is because of this that I am officially boycotting McDonald's! Well, I haven't eaten there in a year anyway, since I don't like the food in general, so I guess you could say that I am officially continuing to not eat at McDonald's. Only this time, I'm serious! I'm never eating there again. Of course, if I got hungry and there was nothing else available, I guess I'd have a Big Mac or something. But other than that, no more McDonald's! Period! Then again, there's always the chance that they'll bring back the Shamrock Shake. I'd totally go there if they had that again. Or if they brought back those awesome "Transformers" Happy Meal toys. Yeah, that'd be totally sweet.

Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh right. McDonald's sucks.