I got gas

Thanks to Hurricane Gustav (one of the first hurricanes with a genuinely scary name) and Hurricane Ike (yet another with a relatively cute name), the Southeast is pretty much out of gasoline for the next few weeks. I've only seen three gas stations in four nearby cities with any gas at all. While these places are a veritable oasis in a desert of petroleum, the widespread shortage has turned them into something eerily similar to The Road Warrior, minus the stylish leather attire. I find it best to avoid them.

While it's easy to get into a panic over this situation, it's times like this that make me thankful for the little things in life. For example, the fact that I can't fill up my gas tank means that I get to walk two miles to the local Jimmy John's. Let me tell you, walking that far for a meal really makes you appreciate your sandwich-eating experience.

Sure, we're all upset about the shortage, but as I just demonstrated, a little positive thinking can really turn a bad situation around. That's why I've compiled a list of:

Things that are Totally Awesome About the Southeast Gas Crisis

Blank Price Signs - With most stations running out of fuel, many owners are taking down their signs so people know to try other places. We're all sick of seeing high gas prices, and now we hardly have to see them at all! Just ignore the diesel sign. Who buys diesel, anyway?

Empty Stations - You might not expect it, but going to an empty gas station is kind of creepy. I mean, think about it: when was the last time you saw a completely empty gas station? I always thought that those only existed in movies about towns taken over by evil kids. Try walking through one of these parking lots; it's probably the closest you'll ever get to being in a horror film.


Christmas in September - The few stations that do have gas are usually completely packed. If you pass one at night, all the headlights, taillights, and turn signals in one place look almost exactly like Christmas lights. I'm feeling festive already!




I want all of you out there to keep thinking positive! What other cool things caused by the gas shortage can you think of? The possibilities are endless!

Spooky Unhealthy Goodness

Alright, so I'm finally ready to admit that Halloween is near. I'll even say that I'm a little excited, even though there's never anything interesting to do this time of year in my neck of the woods (okay, so I just like any excuse to eat lots of candy).

In case you haven't heard already, Target has chosen the Japanese television character Domo-Kun (who gained fame in the US from this image) as its Halloween mascot. Among the usual orange creme Oreos and plastic pumpkins is a variety of Domo merchandise, including stuffed dolls in costumes, pinatas, and this:

If you didn't laugh at this photo, you have a heart of stone.

The allegedly strawberry flavored teeth tasted like something of a cross between high-fructose corn syrup, a Halls cherry cough drop without the menthol, and the plastic on the wrapper. The texture was what I imagine taffy would be like if it were accidentally processed in a marshmallow factory. Whether that's a good or bad thing is really a matter of opinion, but I didn't care for it at all. And at 99 cents for just one pair, the chompers are pretty pricey. But I think people buy this sort of thing more for the novelty than the taste. I know that's what I did.

RAARRR!

Why Your Opinion Doesn't Matter

Just as a reminder, I have a second blog now. An explanation for it can be found here.

Today at the radio station I was asked to go through emails, adding senders to our newsletter contact list. A lot of these were contest entries and opinions on our new programming schedule. We had our share of complaints, too. I've heard stories about ridiculous complaints to the media before, but nothing compares to reading them firsthand. Here are a few of my favorites:

• One man wrote to complain that we no longer play Georgia Southern University football, even though we still do. His signature states that he is a graduate of said University's business school, and lists the cities where he lives and works (not the addresses or company, mind you, only the cities). Just in case the people he emails need to know that stuff.
• Syndicated radio host Mancow apparently made a joke about marijuana, which one listener found highly inappropriate since teenagers might have been listening (even though we don't make the show, and no teenagers listen to talk radio).
  
• A mother was absolutely enraged that an announcer from the hourly news segment spoiled the uneven bar competition during the Olympics by announcing the results before the television broadcast. She thought we ought to have some sort of warning before sports results. Like Mancow, the hourly news is not produced in-house, as is made apparent by the announcement at the beginning and end of every segment.
• Sometimes we host shows for our sponsors as part of advertising agreements. One of the sponsors with its own airtime is a local coffee house and cafe that hosts live musical entertainment every week. A man claiming to be a regular listener of the station sent an email complaining about the quality of this program. Due to this allegedly poor quality, he "suspected" that the cafe was either a product of the station's owner, or one of our sponsors. I thought it was kind of odd that a regular listener hadn't heard the numerous commercials played for the cafe every day.
• A large number of people wrote in asking the station to change its program schedule. That's not such a bad thing, since if a lot of people complain about the same program, it probably means that a change needs to be made. But the people who wrote had really specific reasons. I don't think I saw a single one that just said, "I think this program should be aired at this time, because it's more convenient." Instead, people wrote letters along the lines of, "I think this program should be in the afternoon because in the morning I have to get the kids ready for school and then I have my part-time job and then I play bridge with the girls for a while and we usually go out for lunch afterward. Also, I'm special."
• My favorite complaint defies all logic. One of our listening families moved to Austin, Texas, where there is another radio station that happens to have the same call letters. We received an email from one of the family members because the Dr. Laura show is on at a different time there, and she thought we should call the Austin station and get the program manager to change the time slot. Seriously.

This, my friends, is why big companies and politicians don't listen to us.

The Serious Blog and Fantastic Stuff

I've created another blog, which can be found at this link. I'll continue to update this one, as the new one exists for a different purpose. A full explanation can be found here.

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's talk about Atlanta.

Last week I drove my brother's high school robotics team to a competition at the Georgia Institute of Technology in downtown Atlanta. Although I suppose "drove" isn't the right word. You don't drive through Atlanta, you go on an epic quest of mythic proportions. You swerve around vicious vagabonds and battle against demons riding steel carriages for passage into the left lane. And at some point during you journey, you must choose which of fifteen Peachtrees to partake of, as only one will bring you glory, while the others lead only to your doom.

So after braving a storm and disposing of a misleading oracle (my Tom Tom), we eventually arrived at the gates of Georgia Tech, where I dropped off the young lords and searched in vain for free parking. I ended up having to sign the gate troll's contract, paying four dollars to keep my car protected from bandits.

Then came the next great challenge: escape form the mythical city of Atlanta. As we walked through the darkness of twilight to find the lost parking space, we thought all was lost. But alas, we found the chariot and made our way out of that accursed city. Then we went to Chick-fil-A.

What? No Zombies?

If you've been following the news lately, you know that the world was destroyed around two o'clock this morning when the Large Hadron Collider created a black hole and crushed the entire solar system into a singularity. I have to say, it happened so quickly that I didn't even notice it.

The fact that I'm typing this post means one of two things: either Metro Atlanta was the only place in the galaxy to survive the apocalypse, or the black hole sucked everyone into some sort of parallel dimension. I'm going to guess it's the second situation, since the earth's gravitational pull seems to be the same.

It's going to take time to adjust to living in a post-apocalyptic parallel dimension. For example, in this universe, people drive straight past stop signs and slam on the brakes at "keep going" signs. In addition, I've noticed that the television news here is totally ridiculous, giving us stories about fat people eating too many hamburgers, which, while hilarious, is not exactly what we look for in reputable journalism in our dimension. Also, I've grown an extra tongue, though my parallel doctor says that might be unrelated.

What effect have you felt as a result of the apocalypse? Has anyone out there experienced the rapture yet? I hope I didn't miss it. I'll be really disappointed if I did.

Cafe Big Something

I was on my lunch break the other day, looking for a good place to eat in Atlanta. I decided that rather than going to one of the many chain restaurants, I would support one of my city's local businesses: The newly established Cafe Big Apple, located just outside the Midtown train station.

Despite the soft spot I have for locally-owned businesses, I was thoroughly disappointed with Cafe Big Apple. It's main problem is that it seems to suffer from an identity crisis; the place just can't figure out what it is.

As I walked into the restaurant, I thought I had a pretty good idea of what to expect, as the windows advertised foods like hamburgers, fries, pasta, and pizza in big, painted letters. But I guess I should have known better after looking at this:

Now I don't know what a "Phily Steak" is, but I guess it doesn't matter, since all but two items on the front windows were absent from the actual menu. It consists mostly of sandwiches, wraps, some breakfast items, and, for some reason, build-your-own burritos. I went up to the counter and ordered a turkey club, which, to the Cafe's credit, was speedily prepared by a friendly worker. As I moved down the counter, I passed a dessert case which had, among other things, this tasty treat:

My problem with this is that they don't tell you exactly where they found the cake, or under what circumstances. Was it in the back room when they bought the building? Were there some leftovers in a cake factory? What if it was dropped by some hobo living in the subway station? I decided to go with a brownie instead. I don't trust found food.

As I moved down the counter, I passed boxes of candy, aspirin, and cough drops. And at the end of the line, right next to the register, there was a big plate of unripe bananas. Seriously! It was next to the cookies and above the Skittles. They weren't on the menu, and there was no other fresh fruit to be seen. I guess the demand for bananas is high these days.

So I made my purchase and turned around to see a buffet-style counter with a big sign emblazoned with the words, "Hot Food." Indeed, it was hot, but the food didn't really fit in with the rest of the fare. There was a container of fried rice, another with mandarin chicken, another with some kind of spinach and cheese casserole, and yet another with beef ribs.

So we've got a combination of a deli, Mexican restaurant, coffee shop, mini-mart, Old Country Buffet, Chinese restaurant, and if you count the old issues of ESPN Magazine and Entertainment Weekly, a waiting room.

But what you really want to know about is the quality of the food. It's okay. I mean, it's fresh, it tastes decent, and has the nicest presentation you could expect from a small diner, but the sandwich I ate was really no better than something you might find at Arby's. So humbug to entrepreneurship!

So there you have it. If you like a variety of average food and nonsensical signs, you'll like Cafe Big Apple. Otherwise, I'd head down to the Panera Bread a few blocks away, or maybe the street vendor at the bus station. At least you know he'd have some interesting stories about all the cake he's found.

Dragon*Con 2008 Report

Greetings, citizens of the Internet! I have just returned from the yearly event known as Dragon*Con, where the men are men and the women are naked. Dragon*Con is the Southeast's version of the San Diego Comicon (though I'll admit it's not nearly the same scale); several hotels in Atlanta are rented out for panels, concerts, celebrity autograph sessions, and other events, all with some sort of science, fantasy, anime, or other "geek" theme. My first time at the Con was last year with my brother and one of his friends, but we came on the last day, and thus didn't get the full experience.

This year, however, we stayed the whole weekend. I was completely blown away, not just by the sheer volume of people, but by their enthusiasm and dedication to their hobbies. It's customary to wear a costume, whether related to something in existing media or completely made up. I decided to go with the second option, becoming America's next great hero:

As Averageman, I possess the strength and speed of nearly one man, and have the amazing ability to roll coins and pay credit card bills online. Due to my oath as a superhero, it was up to me to observe my fellow science fiction, fantasy, and comic book-themed brethren to assess who is friend and foe.

Ah, yes, cookie monster!  He is always a worthy ally in the battle against evil, especially when there are cookies involved.

Pffft.  You call yourself a Storm Trooper?  The Emperor would be ashamed.  And to the little girl, good work, heroine-in-training!

Zounds!  It seems that Indiana Jones has had a son!  That is, he's had another son who isn't totally lame.  

Jumping Jupiter!  In some sort of horrible experiment gone awry, Batman and Boba Fett have combined into one!  I'd better keep an eye on him.  There's no telling what he'll do.

As is custom, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is blessing the cood citizens of Dragon*Con with his noodly appendage, keeping evil at bay.  

Egad!  The evil Galactic Empire has finally stolen Christmas!  What other treachery is afoot?

Leaping Leotards!  Dorothy has been turned into a zombie!  I must find a way to cure her!

That's right, come closer, I only wish to help.

Okay, that's enough.

Seriously, you're getting in my personal space.  Wait. WAIT! NOOO!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Editor's note: We at jimboroni.com apologize for the lateness of this week's entry.  As punishment, we actually sent zombie Dorothy to devour Averageman.  We thought he was pretty obnoxious, anyway.  Now let's take a moment of silent remembrance, then move on with our lives.  

Update tomorrow!

Greetings, my l33t h4xx0rz and h4xx0rin4z! Due to the geek convention/brainiac fair/hippie love fest that is Dragon*Con, I won't be making an official update until sometime tomorrow evening. I need the extra time to regroup, organize photos, and cope with the fact that it's all over until next year.