Night of the Living Action Figures

As you probably already know, I work two jobs. One of those jobs is for a large retailer which shall remain nameless until I quit or the company collapses from economic problems. But until one or both of those things happens, I'm stuck working in the electronics and toy departments. So when I'm not pretending to be an expert on cameras and wireless routers, I'm usually cleaning up action figures.

Now you may be wondering what my point is in telling you all of this. Well, toys and electronics are the two top-selling kinds of holiday gifts, so this time of year I get a general idea of what's popular with the kids. Though you'd think they're all going for video games these days, you'd be sorely mistaken. No, this year the kids are crazy for Bakugan.


If you haven't heard of Bakugan, it's actually a pretty original idea. The franchise is based on a Japanese TV series in which a team of kids battle with monsters contained within tiny, colored balls. Wait. On second thought, that sounds a lot like something else.


Oh...right.

Okay, so they borrowed one idea from a popular franchise. Lots of companies do that. But Bakugan is different, in that the monsters only battle when the kids play a magical card game. That's totally original. Unless, of course you count that other show...


Alright, alright. So the creators of Bakugan had to draw some inspiration from a couple of successful programs. But unlike the Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh, the monsters can talk! Plus, the main character is this hotheaded kid who wears goggles on his head. You don't see either of those things in many shows.


Oh come on!

What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is a franchise with no honor whatsoever. Bakugan is a TV show that exists solely to sell toys, and it's ripped off from three other series that were also created to sell toys! At least Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, and Digmon had some integrity. I mean they all had card games, but the toys were optional. With Bakugan, the toys are actually a necessary component to gameplay. This is because in the TV series, the monsters are summoned by throwing the balls containing them onto the game cards. If they lose the game, the monsters may be banished to the "Doom Dimension," a Hell-like plane similar to the "Shadow Realm" from Yu-Gi-Oh. And by similar, I mean it's exactly like the Shadow realm. It's a place where the monsters are tortured and corrupted by evil. See what happens when you play with your balls?

With the ingenious combination of card games, toys, and an unoriginal-yet-mesmerizing tv series, we can't keep Bakugan toys on the shelves for more than a minute before they're sold out. I mean that literally; we can barely get them out of the boxes before rich children with disposable income and weary soccer moms lurk through the aisles to consume their only desire, like the zombies in Dawn of the Dead. The walls are stripped clean of Bakugan merchandise, much like flesh rended from the bones of the living.

So if all the toys are gone, can someone please explain to me how that area of the toy section is always so messy?

An Ode to a GPS Navigator

O, my GPS navigator,
How I admire your work ethic
You never fail to put forth your best effort
To help me find my way,
No matter how many times
A new path must be found

O, my GPS navigator,
You are ever so polite
Always speaking quietly
So I cannot hear you over the radio
Even when it is turned all the way down
And my turn is just ahead

O, my GPS navigator,
Always reminding me to appreciate
What was once thought inconvenient
Such as Mapquest
And even folded paper maps
From filthy gas stations

O, my GPS navigator,
You bring out the rebel in me
As I cross four lanes of traffic without signaling
To make the exit in time
So that I might go the wrong way
On a one-way street

O, my GPS navigator,
You always forgive me when we fight
As I shout and hit the dashboard
You sit patiently and never quarrel
Calmly giving the next direction
Perhaps that is why I keep returning to you

Something that's probably bad for you

I was cleaning out my closet the other day when I found this:


I picked up a package of these a while ago with the intent of reviewing them, but they got lost under the massive piles of junk that have piled up in my room over the years. I also found a treasure map and a small colony of gnomes.

As the package says, this particular type of candy "turns into gum." Seeing as Pop Rocks are already a snack with mysterious properties and questionable chemical structure, I knew that there had to be some sort of witchcraft involved in the bubble gum version. So I opened the package to inspect the contents.


So it has white and pink pieces, which I assumed would combine in my mouth in some kind of unholy alchemical reaction that would either turn into gum or summon a demon. I tasted the Pop Rocks with some trepidation. Lo and behold, they crackled every bit as much as regular Pop Rocks, while almost instantly turning chewy. Then after about five minutes the cherry-esque flavor ran out, but my teeth and soul were still intact.

Of course, I still needed to know what actually happens to Pop Rocks Bubble Gum that induces the transformation. Well, after separating and trying the rocks left in the package, I discovered that only the pink ones pop. The white ones are actually tiny pieces of gum. And here I thought I was dabbling in black magic! I was sorely disappointed. Still, I wouldn't be too surprised if I mutated from the sheer amount of chemicals in Pop Rocks that were not meant to be ingested by humans.