'Tis the Season to Rock Out

My girlfriend told me that she wanted a Guitar Hero controller for Christmas. So I thought about it for a while, and decided that wouldn't do. There's no reason to own a plastic guitar. Not when you can have a plastic guitar that contains the awesome forces of time and space!!! Behold the power of the Cosmic Axe!

I custom painted the faceplate of this controller using spray paint, paper, various lids and, of course, the might of the cosmos! It can be used to play all the Guitar Hero games for the Wii, and may well cause the Apocalypse if placed in the wrong hands.

Takin' My Own Stinkin' Break

Since I just graduated, this will be the first holiday season where I don't get to lie around for two solid weeks. So make up for that, I'm taking a break from my arduous task of a weekly blog until next week. To keep you entertained until then, here's a picture I took at a local Waffle House of the Grinch, apparently attempting to do a Jedi Mind Trick.


Happy holidays, everyone.

The Best Writing Ever

Well, my radio internship comes to an end this week. I suppose it's appropriate for this job to wrap up at around the same time we're wrapping up presents (get it? I used "wrap" twice, but in two different contexts!). With the end so near, I thought it would be equally appropriate to give you this:

More of
Jim's Rejected Ad Copy

"Quality Heating and Air" 00:30

WINTER IS ON ITS WAY, AND YOU DON'T WANT TO LET YOUR POOR FAMILY FREEZE TO DEATH, DO YOU? THAT WOULD MAKE YOU A TERRIBLE PERSON! SO FOR QUALITY HEATING AND AIR, YOU'LL NEED TO CALL QUALITY HEATING AND AIR IN WOODSTOCK! WITH A NAME LIKE QUALITY HEATING AND AIR, YOU KNOW YOU'LL BE GETTING QUALITY HEATING AND AIR! CALL 800-XXX-XXXX TO SPEAK TO A REPRESENTATIVE AT QUALITY HEATING AND AIR ABOUT A FREE ESTIMATE. THAT'S QUALITY HEATING AND AIR IN WOODSTOCK! DON'T BE A BIG FAT JERK THAT LETS HIS FAMILY BE COLD. CALL QUALITY HEATING AND AIR TODAY!

"Georgia Finance Commission PSA" 00:15

HEY KIDS! LET'S TALK ABOUT MANAGING YOUR FINANCES! IT'S THE COOL THING TO DO! REMEMBER, DON'T SPEND TOO MUCH MONEY ON YOUR CREDIT CARD, OR YOUR 'RENTS WILL GET ALL UP IN YOUR GRIZZIZZLE. THAT'S SOMETHING YOU KIDS SAY THESE DAYS, RIGHT? THIS MIZZESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE GEORGIA FINANCE COMIZZLE.

"Eurasian Gourmet Restaurant" 00:60

DO YOU LIKE PAYING FIFTY DOLLARS FOR YOUR STEAK? HOW ABOUT A HUNDRED? WHAT IF SOMEONE PILED SOME DEAD SNAILS ON IT AND ADDED HOT MUSTARD SAUCE? I KNOW, IT SOUNDS TOTALLY DELICIOUS. IT'S ALSO A GREAT WAY TO SPEND YOUR MONEY DURING THE RECESSION! PUMP SOME MONEY INTO THE ECONOMY. AND BY THE ECONOMY, WE MEAN EURASIAN GOURMET RESTAURANT IN MIDTOWN. WE'RE SURE YOU'LL LOVE THE SPICY DEAD SNAIL MEAT SLAB, AS WELL AS OUR OTHER SPECIALTIES, LIKE OUR SUGAR-COATED SALMON STRIPS WITH A SIDE OF DRIED APRICOTS IN TABASCO SAUCE! CALL 404-XXX-XXXX FOR RESERVATIONS.

"Computer Techmen" 00:30

WE KNOW YOU'RE TOTALLY STUPID ABOUT COMPUTERS. I MEAN, REALLY, REALLY DUMB. YOU PROBABLY HAVEN'T OPENED AN EMAIL SINCE 1999 BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID OF GETTING THE Y2K. THAT'S WHY YOU NEED TO HIRE COMPUTER TECHMEN TO OUTSOURCE YOUR COMPANY'S TECH SUPPORT. AND NO, "TECH SUPPORT" IS NOT A KIND OF JOCK STRAP. CALL 800-XXX-XXXX TO SPEAK WITH A REPRESENTATIVE. IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE WITH THAT, JUST SEND YOUR REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE VIA CARRIER PIGEON, CAVEMAN. THAT'S COMPUTER TECHMEN IN JONESBORO.

Can you believe all these commercials got rejected? I mean, this stuff is gold! Well, disappointment aside, I hope you all have a safe and fun holiday shopping season. See you next week!

QUALITY HEATING AND AIR!

Arts & Crafts We Can Believe In

Last Thursday I took the train home from work as usual. When I stepped in the car, I noticed a man carrying this:


It's a three by four-foot portrait of Barack Obama made entirely of yarn. The artist said it took a little over three days to complete, and was kind enough to let me take the preceding photo. I still don't know whether to laugh at or be impressed by his devotion to the President Elect. Maybe both.

...I don't really know what else to say about this. I'll just let you take it all in.

Please Don't Freeze My Horse

So it snowed earlier today.

This is weird. Georgia is one of those places that maybe gets one inch of snow over the course of six years. And when we do see snowfall, it's in mid-January, when transplanted Yankees such as myself are finally ready to admit that the weather might be a little chilly. But here it is, the first day of December, and we've got scattered flurries. There may even be some more tonight.

Personally, I love snow. I don't even mind driving in the stuff. But as I've said before, native Georgians can't handle it. I'm sorry to stereotype, but it's true. Whenever Georgians hear there's a chance of flurries, all the bread disappears from the stores. Since our snow always melts within three hours, and nobody eats that much bread in a single day, I can only assume the loaves are used as an alternative to wall insulation and/or firewood.

Now the amount of snow we got today wasn't enough to make people batten down the hatches; it was forty degrees outside so there was no accumulation. But I think this is going to see a lot of Georgians on edge. Getting any snow this early in the season might be a precursor to something much bigger. A repeat of the infamous "blizzard of '99," perhaps? Maybe we'll get up to three inches of snow this year! If so, let the record show that I called it first. Therefore, I get naming rights. I've already thought of a few good ones:

• The Three-Day Ice Age
• Grampa's Dandruff Tornado
  
• Jack Frost's Ice Cube Sandwich
• Blizzcon EDITOR'S NOTE: this name has been stricken from the list due to threatened legal action from Blizzard Entertainment.
• Breadfest 2008