Making Shoplifting a Pleasure

The store where I work had a terrible crowd last weekend. This isn't to say that the number of people was large; in fact, it was about average. What my fellow employees and I experienced was an exceptionally low quality of people.

You see, most of the customers I serve are nice. I know that's unusual to hear from somebody who works in retail, but it's true. I always try to treat my customers with decency, and I tend to get the same treatment in return.

But not on Saturday.

Not many people were rude to my face, rather, they chose to be completely obnoxious behind my back. All over the place there were packages torn open so that people could "see what it looks like." What most of these people fail to understand is that once a box has been torn open, the product within becomes impossible to sell. And I'm not just talking about toys. Stereos, golf clubs, roller skates (which were kindly left in the middle of the store) were among many things that had been defaced that evening. The one that I couldn't wrap my mind around was the "Hello Kitty" tent. Somebody took it out of its package, set it up in the store and the left it there. And so until we had time to clean up after closing, we had a friggin' pink tent sitting out in the middle of the sporting goods. And obviously some parent allowed all this to take place. I'm not a parent myself, but if my kid decided to set up a tent in the middle of a store, I think the conversation would go something like this:

"What are you doing?"

"I'm playing campout, daddy!"

"You put up a tent in the middle of the store."

"Aww, I'm just having fun!"

"That tent doesn't belong to you."

"I want it!"

"Well, then I've got some good news! You get to live in it now."

What really got me, though, was the sheer amount of theft that took place on Saturday. I found more empty packages for stolen items on Saturday night than I have in my entire time in the electronics department. A knife, a set of "Maple Story" trading cards, and three pairs of windshield wipers were just a few of the purloined products. Seriously, what kind of a kleptomaniac steals windshield wipers? I even caught a kid in the act of trying to open a box of "Chaotix" game cards. The worst blow of the evening was when a professional shoplifter made off with an MP3 player and portable DVD player. The security guys realized that he was a professional when they recognized him as the same man who robbed three other stores. His technique is to quickly open packages with a razor blade that he keeps hidden in his mouth.

I'll say that again.

My department was robbed by a man who keeps a sharp metal blade in his mouth.

I mean, what happened? Did Arkham Asylum shut down and they sent all the inmates to Georgia? Saturday night was like a whirlwind of chaos, greed, and broken dreams mixed with a sense of self-entitlement that I'll never understand.

Are there any other retail or ex-retail workers out there with similar experiences? I'd love to hear your stories.

I Like Bumper Cars, Too

The country is still excited about President Obama's recent inauguration and his first actions upon taking office. There's no questioning the historical significance of our nation taking such a big step forward in its efforts to move beyond its segregated past. While Obama will be revered throughout history for his grand accomplishments, we mustn't forget the little things that make great men the people they are. Sadly, many of these small things will be forgotten as history takes its course. Things like this photo taken by Olsen and Getty, featured in this week's Parade magazine:


Without a doubt, this is the best face ever made by a United States President. He may just be driving a bumper car with his daughter, but he's got a face filled with excitement and joy that borders on psychosis (and I'm honestly not sure if the girl is shouting with glee or sheer terror). I mean, when was the least time you saw a politician look this enthused about anything? In fact, I think I've got his campaign poster for 2012 figured out already:

Made at obamicon.me

Now that's the kind of change I can get into!

A Sad Epiphany

I was going to review Burger King's "Angry Whopper," but Marvo at The Impulsive Buy (one of my favorite blogs) beat me to it. It's eerie how similar his post is to the one I was going to write. So I've really got no choice but to go on another hamburger-related rant.

If you've seen any TV lately, you've no doubt seen Wendy's new "3conomics" commercials, promoting the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, Double Stack, and Crispy Chicken Sandwich. I apologize for the lousy quality of the image; it's the only one I could find (and all the YouTube videos of them have been taken down).

The commercials basically consist of three guys on their lunch break while the guy in the jumpsuit explains how their sandwiches are a good deal. However, when I first saw these commercials what I noticed the most was that the guy on the left looked familiar. That's because his name is David Dastmalchian, who played Thomas Schiff, the Joker's schizophrenic henchman in The Dark Knight.

Now most of you are probably thinking, "Oh, well that's an interesting coincidence!" But that's where you're wrong. Dastmalchian's appearance in the 3conomics commercials is a stroke of marketing and movie making genius by Wendy's. Don't you see? These "commercials" are really a lead-in to the third part of the Batman trilogy!

See, I think that this new storyline takes place during Batman Begins, only from Thomas Schiff's perspective. This is way before the Joker started his crime spree, and Schiff was just an average blue collar guy eating hamburgers with his buddies. Maybe he kept a diary, too. I bet it would look something like this:

October 3

Dear Diary,
Today was my first day of work at Wayne Enterprises! I've already made some new friends. Their names are Paul and Howie. Paul works with me in accounting, and Howie works down in the warehouse. We all got Wendy's for lunch. Howie told me about this weird thing he calls "3conomics." I think he meant "Freakonomics," but I decided to let it slide.

Love,
Tom

As time goes on, I can imagine there are a bunch of tie-ins to the first movie.

November 18

Dear Diary,
Work has been steady. I've been eating lunch with Paul and Howie a lot. For some reason, Howie keeps insisting that we get Wendy's. I've gained about five pounds because of it. Paul and I told Howie that we wanted to try something new, like that Italian bistro two blocks up from the office, but then he just launches into another one of his 3conomics rants. Plus, the other day he took my hamburger away to "demonstrate the law of supply and demand." Howie's kind of a jerk.

Love,
Tom

P.S.: By the way, I heard on the news that Bruce Wayne came back to Gotham after going missing all those years. Pretty cool, huh?

As we watch, we can see Schiff slowly losing his mind, until eventually the Scarecrow's fear gas pushes him over the edge.

December 1

Dear Diary,
Today started that same as always. I went into work, and that stupid Howie says we all have to go get Wendy's. I was kind of ticked off, but then all these weird people started attacking the city! They're using some kind of gas. Wait, I smell something funny. Oh no, it's coming in through the vents! It's filling up the room! Am I going to suffocate?! Am I going to YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SICK AND TIRED OF EATING ****ING HAMBURGERS EVERY ****ING DAY! YOU HEAR THAT, HOWIE YOU SON OF A *****?! AND 3CONOMICS ISN'T EVEN A WORD!!! IT'S JUST A STUPID THING YOU MADE UP TO MAKE ME BUY YOU LUNCH AND THEN YOU JUST STEAL MINE ANYWAY AND ALL THIS FOOD IS CLOGGING MY ARTERIES AND I'M JUST GONNA GO AND ****ING BLOW UP EVERYTHING AND THEN MAYBE GO PLAY HOPSCOTCH OHJEEZ WHATS ALL THIS CRAZY STUFF GOING ON OUTSIDE HOLYCOW IT'S THE BATMAN I THINK I'LL GO EAT HIS FACE BECAUSE IT'LL BE BETTER THAN EATING WENDY'S AGAIN!!!!! BLEARGHARGHHSHOAEIDSIFHLK!

Do you see the genius of this ad campaign? I'd sure like to shake the hands of the people who put this together.

War on Christmas: The Aftermath

It's a weird time of year. The big winter holidays are over, and it's not close enough to Valentine's Day that retailers can make a profit from it. We've now entered what I call "Return Season," where everyone exchanges the lame gifts they received from misguided relatives (like "Camp Rock" MP3 players) for cool ones (like "Hannah Montana" MP3 players).

One thing I've noticed during my admittedly short time in retail is that many people don't fully understand the processes involved in making a return. This is especially true in the electronics department, where I work. So I've decided to put together a little something called:

The Post-Holiday Electronics Return Guide

• Keep the receipt - While some companies will take a return for store credit without one, things will go much faster if you have a receipt.
  
• Do your research - If you like what you have, but would like an accessory such as an A/C adapter, figure out exactly what you need ahead of time. There are a plethora of websites out there that have the specs for just about anything you can plug into a wall. If you've done your research and still don't know what you need, bring the product in the store with you. Really! It's okay! What's not okay is to come in and ask for an "adapter" without specifying what it's for. There are approximately 80,000 different adapters in the world, and most of them work for different things.
• Keep the receipt - Just in case it wasn't clear before.
• We are not tech support - While it's true that a few people who sell electronics know more about them than the average Joe, we don't know everything. If your camera or printer has stopped working, for the love of God, call the manufacturer. It's amazing how many customers live under the delusion that we have a factory with magical elves in the stock room where we make the products and check each one individually.
  
• Keep the stupid receipt!! - Seriously, it's just a piece of paper. It doesn't take up that much room.
  
• You are not special - You can't return an expensive piece of electronics just because you've tried it out and decided you don't like it. That goes for DVDs, CDs, and video games, too. Again, do your research. A lady came in the other day with a DVD she watched recently, and wanted to make an exchange because she didn't like the story. Apparently she's never heard of Blockbuster, Netflix, or MovieStop.
  
• No, you may not open the package - Most retailers will not take a return if the package has been opened (unless, of course the product is broken). This means that you cannot open a box to see what somethign looks like. Nobody cares that you bought something that goes with whatever you're opening (see the previous bullet).
  
• Sweet Jesus, will you just keep the @#&*% receipt?! See, when you first buy something, you get a magical piece of paper. This special paper is just like a wizard's wand; when you use it, it takes someting you don't want and transforms it into something you do want! And the best part is, you can fit it in your wallet or purse, where it's with you all the time, yet conveniently out of the way! It's AMAZING!