Lookit what I made!

The Nerdiest Blog in the Universe

2009-10-23T11:53:00.005-04:00

You know, selling toys and video games for a living can hurt your outlook on life. So many kids are obnoxious, loud, messy and spoiled that I sometimes think, "This is our future? Good Lord, we're doomed." But the other day I noticed something while cleaning up the action figures. See, we started selling "G.I. Joe" and "Transformers" toys over the summer. As you'd expect, the aisle containing them is the messiest in the whole department. And as I cleaned the area the other night, I realized that the COBRA and Decepticon toys way outnumbered the Joes and Autobots. For those of you not engrossed in geek culture, COBRA and Decepticons are the villains of the G.I. Joe and Transformers franchises, respectively. Not only that, but I see the exact same figures on the shelves every day. The truth is that we can't sell them, because everybody bought the toys they wanted already (The Joes and Autobots, the heroes of the two series). Call me sentimental, but I felt a little hopeful knowing that, despite how annoying the kids at work can be, they still want to side with the good guys.

What I've Decided

2009-08-28T23:37:00.002-04:00

Hi everybody (at least the two of you who will actually read this). I'm no longer going to apologize for the lack of posts, because there will no longer be weekly updates. I'll still post here once in a while, though my focus won't simply be humor. I've had a lot of free time lately, and I've been using it to improve my skills beyond just writing. I still love making people laugh more than almost anything else in the world, but I want to try to do so through other media.

Peace out.

Jim on Green Day on Cracked

2009-07-18T21:30:00.003-04:00

Hey everybody! I've been playing around with Photoshop for a long time now, and thought that I'd combine my love for the software with my undying hatred for a particular band (click the image for the full size):

You can also see this at the humor site Cracked.com. As much as I'd like to take full credit for the page, the flowchart was my only contribution. The rest the bitingly funny article was written by Furlinator.

It's Just Bad

2009-07-03T15:52:00.004-04:00

So I saw Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen yesterday. It made me glad that I never saw the cartoon series growing up, because I'm pretty sure if I had I'd be even more enraged at how poorly it was written. I suppose there is a "plot" of sorts, but so much action is crammed into this movie that trying to squeeze a story in would distract the audience from all the product placements.

But today's long-overdue post isn't about the new Transformers, as I'm pretty sure I can't say anything that hasn't been said already. Today we'll be talking about a burrito, because Taco Bell, much like Michael Bay, has a tendency to come up with really bad ideas.

What I'm referring to is the Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito. As you can probably guess, it's a beef burrito with cheese, potatos, bacon, and sour cream. When I first heard of this monstrosity, I wondered what the thought process was behind this product. I mean, how did the food scientists at Taco Bell pitch this idea to the marketing department?

"Okay, so everyone likes burritos, right?"

"Right."

"Well, we just thought it would be totally awesome if we crammed a baked potato in there."

"That sounds a lot like something a drunken frat boy would say as he was being escorted to the emergency room."

"Well, yeah, I guess you're right. We'll start ov-"

"And the drunken frat boy market is exactly who we're trying to reach. Have a bonus."

Congratulations, Taco Bell. You managed to make a product that even I, with my unhealthy addiction to fast food, refuse to eat.

I WIN

2009-05-28T10:57:00.002-04:00

We've all worked in a lousy retail job for an hourly wage. And we've all found something that is, shall we say, out of place while performing cleaning duties. Driver's licenses, keys, half-eaten food, various forms of birth control, and many other items that we'll either forget about or wish we could (I know one person who was unfortunate enough to clean human feces from a movie theater floor).

However, no matter how odd, fantastic, or disgusting these items may be, nobody can beat what was found on the floor at my place of work yesterday. All other horrific workplace finds must now bow down to vomit-inducing tragicomedy of my electronics department. So just in case it's not already clear, we win. We found a corpse of a dead bird in the CDs.

Well, I suppose it would be inaccurate to say it was a corpse. It was more like the mangled remains of half a corpse.

I know, I didn't believe it myself at first. A coworker (we'll call him Rafe) was the first to spot it, and brought it up while we were reorganizing the auto supplies. The conversation went something like this:

Rafe: "Hey, did you know there's a dead bird over by the CDs?"
Me: "What? No way."
Rafe: "Seriously. I saw it over there."
Me: "It was probably a stuffed animal somebody left there."
Rafe: "I dunno man. It has feathers and everything."
Me: "Then it was a stuffed bird animal."
Rafe: "I'm not sure. It looks pretty real."
Me: "Fine. Take me to this 'dead bird.'"
Coworker: "Ok."

So he took me over to the CDs, and after about thirty seconds of inspection, the remainder of our conversation went like this:

Me: "Wow. That's a dead bird alright."
Rafe: "Yep."

Be assured that the carcass was properly cleaned after that. But that still leaves the question of how and why this poor dead animal got to where it was. It's not like the electronics department is right by the glass doors in front and it smacked into one. Somebody had to carry this thing all the way to the back of the store. And it's not like it was just sitting there. Somebody went to the trouble to thoroughly mash this thing into the floor right between Lady Gaga and The Fray (though whether their music has anything to do with this remains to be seen).

My theory right now is that this bird owed somebody money. Maybe he was some guy's bookie and he got involved with the wrong folks. So then the client hired some muscle to go break his legs, and then things got out of hand when the bird pulled a knife out. Hey, it makes as much sense as anythign else that happens at work.

A slight inconvenience (for you)

2009-05-05T00:00:00.003-04:00

Due to a hectic work schedule, I can't make Monday posts anymore. Retail will do that to you. I'm going back to my old schedule of updating on Thursdays. Hooray for making excuses!

Something Entirely Different

2009-04-29T16:47:00.005-04:00

As you all know, I am an authority on a great many things: science, religion, macaroni art, and so much more. I am not, however, an authority on customer service. That would be Michelle over at The Customer Authority, who was kind enough to publish my submission for her post today. Check it out, and browse around her site a little. She's also looking for all sorts of people's experiences from both sides of the counter, so drop her a line if you've got a funny, interesting, horrifying or sexy customer service story (all four at the same time would be ideal).

And Coming Up...

2009-04-27T23:18:00.002-04:00

Wow, just one week after my month-long break and I'm already falling behind on these posts. Don't worry, though. There's something fun coming on Wednesday.

I'd rather have a small wage than a big lie

2009-04-20T16:16:00.007-04:00

I don't know why I find this funny, but I do. Deal with it.

A lot of people on the web are talking about multilevel marketing, also known as MLM. Some swear by it as a great income generator, while others dismiss it as a legalized version of a pyramid scam. A representative of a local MLM company recently tried to recruit me, so I thought I'd share some of the facts of multilevel marketing, as well as my personal experience.

In case you don't already know, multilevel marketing is a business model where a company distributes a product by getting third party representatives to sell it for them. These representatives also recruit more people to become potential sellers, taking a cut of their sales in exchange for training, and so on.

You can see why many people would equate this business model to a pyramid scam. They work in almost exactly the same way, the main difference being that with a pyramid scam, there's no product; the only thing that changes hands is money.

So are MLM's a scam? Well, it depends. Here's what happened to me:

I work in retail, selling electronics. One day, a customer told me her computer had no anti-virus software, and consequently contracted a virus. After helping her pick out a program, she complimented me on my knowledge and customer service, and offered an interview with her husband's company. So we exchanged information, and a week later I got a call. The rep and I set up a meeting at a local coffee shop.

The representative (let's call him Pete) took out a brochure and told me about a company that sells products online. After explaining some basic business concepts, he said that the company he works for was doing too much business to handle with current staffing, and it needed temporary employees to work on a project that was to last twelve to eighteen months. I got the feeling something was wrong when he told me I couldn't keep the brochure for "tax purposes." I got another bad feeling when I actually had to ask what the company's name was. I was told that it was called Leadership Team Development, or LTD for short, and that I would get some information to take home at a larger meeting the following day, where he'd introduce me to some of his business associates. I figured it couldn't hurt, so the next day I went to this talk.

I show up the event the next night to find that there's a five dollar charge for all associates attending, which also didn't seem right. Fortunately, as a guest I was admitted for free.

One of the things I noticed first was that everyone I met asked me the same exact questions: where I was from, where I went to school, and what I do for a living. And they asked everyone else those questions, too. I even got to talk to the speaker, and he didn't have anything remotely creative to say. They were all following a script.

So after we all get settled in, the speaker (we'll call him, "Ted"), started his spiel. He began by scaring all of us about the economy, stating job loss records and so on. He then went on to mention my employment situation as an example of how lousy the economy has gotten. He didn't do it anonymously, either. He specifically mentioned my name and used my personal shortcomings in his sales pitch. Seriously, who does something like that?

Ted gets into the whole business structure, and then mentions that LTD's supplier is Amway Global, one of the biggest MLM companies in the world. He went on for a solid two minutes to explain how it was absolutely NOT a pyramid scam, and then use Bernie Madoff as an example of one. Except Madoff ran a Ponzi scheme, which is entirely different!

LTD’s business model is set up so that a rep’s main source of income comes from gathering recruits, rather than selling products. While Tom technically didn’t say anything that was untrue, he downplayed the fact that the extremely high promised returns would take a lot more work than simply gathering recruits in one’s free time, “on the way to work,” or, “instead of spending time on the Internet.” Believe me, to earn the kind of cash Ted was talking about, you’d pretty much have to quit your day job and spend all of your time gathering recruits.

At the end, I firmly but politely told Pete that I wasn't interested in LTD. In fact, the whole experience left me with a bad taste in my mouth. First of all, Pete initially told me that the company was looking for someone to work for twelve to eighteen months, but the returns Ted was promising would have taken at least two years to attain. Secondly, you can't expect me to believe that you're running an online business and own no anti-virus software. Third, LTD has no public website, just a login page. How can you run an online business like that? Finally, Pete's assertion that LTD was doing "too much business" was just an outright lie. The only reason he interviewed me in the first place was because he needed another sucker to pad his income.

So in my case, the MLM was a scam. Ted’s talk was disingenuous, and Pete’s interview was unethical, if not downright illegal. This isn’t to say that all MLM companies are frauds; Amway is actually a very successful company. And I’m actually a member of a search engine called Swagbucks, whose referral program is similar to an MLM (except users don’t have to pay any money - and yes, that is my referral link)

In my opinion, MLM isn’t a great business model. I believe if you’re going to put most of your time and a lot of money into selling products, you’re better off starting your own business. If your income depends on getting a constant stream of recruits, you’ve got to remember that they’re eventually going to run out. Once that happens, the whole thing collapses. It’s much better to stand behind a quality product and distribute it yourself.

Another Small Thing

2009-03-10T14:04:00.002-04:00

I forgot to show you all the picture I made when I was all excited about going to see Watchmen. I think it makes sense when you see the effort I put into my last post.

Just one small thing

2009-03-09T22:31:00.003-04:00

I saw Watchmen tonight, and despite the amazing special effects, deep thematic elements, and gigantic blue naked guys, I can only think about one thing: Richard Nixon's Pinocchio nose.

ABBout to Go Crazy

2009-03-02T12:18:00.004-05:00

The commercials on the display TVs in an average electronics department run on a five-minute loop. This means that us employees have to listen to the same jingles over and over again over the course of an eight-hour work day. I didn't mind that much; even when the insufferable Christmas songs started in November. But now I fear that I may be driven insane by what the corporation I work for has decided to display: ABBA.

You see, after the release of the film Mamma Mia! The Movie, a film based entirely on ABBA's songs, sales for the group's albums soared. Due to both of these successes, the people at Sony decided it would be a great idea to make a new SingStar karaoke game entirely centered on ABBA. What Sony failed to realize was that Mamma Mia!'s fan base consists almost entirely of forty to sixty year-old women, hardly the video gaming demographic. Thanks to this ad campaign which is sure to fail, I have to hear clips of "Mamma Mia," "Dancing Queen," and "Waterloo" for nearly eight straight hours whenever I go into work.

On the list of things I hate, ABBA is definitely in the top five. In fact, I keep a list of the top things I hate with me at all times. Here it is:

Hypocrisy
Dishonesty
Ignorance
ABBA
Terrorism

ABBA is like poison for the ears. Hearing ABBA about a hundred times a day is like being stabbed repeatedly with a poison-tipped sword until you bleed to death. And yes, I did make a reference to Hamlet while complaining about a video game commercial. My hatred for this pop group is that epic, Shakespearean in scope, if you will. Because ABBA is the Shakespeare of bad music.

I think I've lost my train of thought. My righteous anger has made me so confused that I can't focus anymore. I will quell it by reading about all the bands you hate.

2 Weeks late Valentine's Day

2009-02-19T21:14:00.010-05:00

Ah, yes, yet another post where I have to begin by apologizing for the lack of recent updates. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that I have to apologize; I just do because I'm cool like that.

All the Valentine's Day stuff is on clearance now, and among all the items was the Rice Krispies Shape-A-Heart kit.

I have very strict standards when it comes to Rice Krispies treats. I don't believe in buying the ready-made prepackaged kind. If you're too lazy to make fresh Rice Krispies treats for your children, they need to be put into foster care. But this kit seemed like it would be a nice medium for those who want the satisfaction of a homemade treats without all the work of actually melting butter and marshmallows.

The kit comes with a bag of Rice Krispies, a heart-shaped cookie cutter, two tubes of gel icing, sugar eyeballs, and some sort of unholy marshmallow goop. The treats are simple enough to make; you simply heat up the goop in a pot and mix the cereal in (though if you ask me, I'm not entirely sure that applying heat is entirely necessary).

Next comes decoration. As usual for cooking kits, the pictures on the box are filled with unrealistic expectations.

My first two attempts looked like heart-shaped mental patients.

Since I knew that my results would never look as adorable as the examples on the box, I decided to go all out and create a Valentine's Day treats filled with anguish and horror.

HAPPY BELATED VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE!

Where a kid can be a contributing member of society

2009-02-03T19:43:00.007-05:00

Some people wonder why I have trouble being serious. No matter what happens, I never seem to get really worried about anything. I suppose it has to do with a little rule I like to live by: if Chuck E. Cheese's doesn't take something seriously, then neither do I. And wouldn't you know it, I got a spam email from the company today containing the following message:

Yes, you too can do your part to help the struggling economy by supporting the ticket printing and plastic jewelry manufacturing industries. See? We can all relax now.

Making Shoplifting a Pleasure

2009-01-26T12:57:00.004-05:00

The store where I work had a terrible crowd last weekend. This isn't to say that the number of people was large; in fact, it was about average. What my fellow employees and I experienced was an exceptionally low quality of people.

You see, most of the customers I serve are nice. I know that's unusual to hear from somebody who works in retail, but it's true. I always try to treat my customers with decency, and I tend to get the same treatment in return.

But not on Saturday.

Not many people were rude to my face, rather, they chose to be completely obnoxious behind my back. All over the place there were packages torn open so that people could "see what it looks like." What most of these people fail to understand is that once a box has been torn open, the product within becomes impossible to sell. And I'm not just talking about toys. Stereos, golf clubs, roller skates (which were kindly left in the middle of the store) were among many things that had been defaced that evening. The one that I couldn't wrap my mind around was the "Hello Kitty" tent. Somebody took it out of its package, set it up in the store and the left it there. And so until we had time to clean up after closing, we had a friggin' pink tent sitting out in the middle of the sporting goods. And obviously some parent allowed all this to take place. I'm not a parent myself, but if my kid decided to set up a tent in the middle of a store, I think the conversation would go something like this:

"What are you doing?"

"I'm playing campout, daddy!"

"You put up a tent in the middle of the store."

"Aww, I'm just having fun!"

"That tent doesn't belong to you."

"I want it!"

"Well, then I've got some good news! You get to live in it now."

What really got me, though, was the sheer amount of theft that took place on Saturday. I found more empty packages for stolen items on Saturday night than I have in my entire time in the electronics department. A knife, a set of "Maple Story" trading cards, and three pairs of windshield wipers were just a few of the purloined products. Seriously, what kind of a kleptomaniac steals windshield wipers? I even caught a kid in the act of trying to open a box of "Chaotix" game cards. The worst blow of the evening was when a professional shoplifter made off with an MP3 player and portable DVD player. The security guys realized that he was a professional when they recognized him as the same man who robbed three other stores. His technique is to quickly open packages with a razor blade that he keeps hidden in his mouth.

I'll say that again.

My department was robbed by a man who keeps a sharp metal blade in his mouth.

I mean, what happened? Did Arkham Asylum shut down and they sent all the inmates to Georgia? Saturday night was like a whirlwind of chaos, greed, and broken dreams mixed with a sense of self-entitlement that I'll never understand.

Are there any other retail or ex-retail workers out there with similar experiences? I'd love to hear your stories.

I Like Bumper Cars, Too

2009-01-22T16:37:00.007-05:00

The country is still excited about President Obama's recent inauguration and his first actions upon taking office. There's no questioning the historical significance of our nation taking such a big step forward in its efforts to move beyond its segregated past. While Obama will be revered throughout history for his grand accomplishments, we mustn't forget the little things that make great men the people they are. Sadly, many of these small things will be forgotten as history takes its course. Things like this photo taken by Olsen and Getty, featured in this week's Parade magazine:

Without a doubt, this is the best face ever made by a United States President. He may just be driving a bumper car with his daughter, but he's got a face filled with excitement and joy that borders on psychosis (and I'm honestly not sure if the girl is shouting with glee or sheer terror). I mean, when was the least time you saw a politician look this enthused about anything? In fact, I think I've got his campaign poster for 2012 figured out already:

Made at obamicon.me

Now that's the kind of change I can get into!

A Sad Epiphany

2009-01-19T10:22:00.014-05:00

I was going to review Burger King's "Angry Whopper," but Marvo at The Impulsive Buy (one of my favorite blogs) beat me to it. It's eerie how similar his post is to the one I was going to write. So I've really got no choice but to go on another hamburger-related rant.

If you've seen any TV lately, you've no doubt seen Wendy's new "3conomics" commercials, promoting the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, Double Stack, and Crispy Chicken Sandwich. I apologize for the lousy quality of the image; it's the only one I could find (and all the YouTube videos of them have been taken down).

The commercials basically consist of three guys on their lunch break while the guy in the jumpsuit explains how their sandwiches are a good deal. However, when I first saw these commercials what I noticed the most was that the guy on the left looked familiar. That's because his name is David Dastmalchian, who played Thomas Schiff, the Joker's schizophrenic henchman in The Dark Knight.

Now most of you are probably thinking, "Oh, well that's an interesting coincidence!" But that's where you're wrong. Dastmalchian's appearance in the 3conomics commercials is a stroke of marketing and movie making genius by Wendy's. Don't you see? These "commercials" are really a lead-in to the third part of the Batman trilogy!

See, I think that this new storyline takes place during Batman Begins, only from Thomas Schiff's perspective. This is way before the Joker started his crime spree, and Schiff was just an average blue collar guy eating hamburgers with his buddies. Maybe he kept a diary, too. I bet it would look something like this:

October 3

Dear Diary,
Today was my first day of work at Wayne Enterprises! I've already made some new friends. Their names are Paul and Howie. Paul works with me in accounting, and Howie works down in the warehouse. We all got Wendy's for lunch. Howie told me about this weird thing he calls "3conomics." I think he meant "Freakonomics," but I decided to let it slide.

Love,
Tom

As time goes on, I can imagine there are a bunch of tie-ins to the first movie.

November 18

Dear Diary,
Work has been steady. I've been eating lunch with Paul and Howie a lot. For some reason, Howie keeps insisting that we get Wendy's. I've gained about five pounds because of it. Paul and I told Howie that we wanted to try something new, like that Italian bistro two blocks up from the office, but then he just launches into another one of his 3conomics rants. Plus, the other day he took my hamburger away to "demonstrate the law of supply and demand." Howie's kind of a jerk.

Love,
Tom

P.S.: By the way, I heard on the news that Bruce Wayne came back to Gotham after going missing all those years. Pretty cool, huh?

As we watch, we can see Schiff slowly losing his mind, until eventually the Scarecrow's fear gas pushes him over the edge.

December 1

Dear Diary,
Today started that same as always. I went into work, and that stupid Howie says we all have to go get Wendy's. I was kind of ticked off, but then all these weird people started attacking the city! They're using some kind of gas. Wait, I smell something funny. Oh no, it's coming in through the vents! It's filling up the room! Am I going to suffocate?! Am I going to YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SICK AND TIRED OF EATING ****ING HAMBURGERS EVERY ****ING DAY! YOU HEAR THAT, HOWIE YOU SON OF A *****?! AND 3CONOMICS ISN'T EVEN A WORD!!! IT'S JUST A STUPID THING YOU MADE UP TO MAKE ME BUY YOU LUNCH AND THEN YOU JUST STEAL MINE ANYWAY AND ALL THIS FOOD IS CLOGGING MY ARTERIES AND I'M JUST GONNA GO AND ****ING BLOW UP EVERYTHING AND THEN MAYBE GO PLAY HOPSCOTCH OHJEEZ WHATS ALL THIS CRAZY STUFF GOING ON OUTSIDE HOLYCOW IT'S THE BATMAN I THINK I'LL GO EAT HIS FACE BECAUSE IT'LL BE BETTER THAN EATING WENDY'S AGAIN!!!!! BLEARGHARGHHSHOAEIDSIFHLK!

Do you see the genius of this ad campaign? I'd sure like to shake the hands of the people who put this together.

War on Christmas: The Aftermath

2009-01-05T13:14:00.004-05:00

It's a weird time of year. The big winter holidays are over, and it's not close enough to Valentine's Day that retailers can make a profit from it. We've now entered what I call "Return Season," where everyone exchanges the lame gifts they received from misguided relatives (like "Camp Rock" MP3 players) for cool ones (like "Hannah Montana" MP3 players).

One thing I've noticed during my admittedly short time in retail is that many people don't fully understand the processes involved in making a return. This is especially true in the electronics department, where I work. So I've decided to put together a little something called:

The Post-Holiday Electronics Return Guide

Keep the receipt - While some companies will take a return for store credit without one, things will go much faster if you have a receipt.
Do your research - If you like what you have, but would like an accessory such as an A/C adapter, figure out exactly what you need ahead of time. There are a plethora of websites out there that have the specs for just about anything you can plug into a wall. If you've done your research and still don't know what you need, bring the product in the store with you. Really! It's okay! What's not okay is to come in and ask for an "adapter" without specifying what it's for. There are approximately 80,000 different adapters in the world, and most of them work for different things.
Keep the receipt - Just in case it wasn't clear before.
We are not tech support - While it's true that a few people who sell electronics know more about them than the average Joe, we don't know everything. If your camera or printer has stopped working, for the love of God, call the manufacturer. It's amazing how many customers live under the delusion that we have a factory with magical elves in the stock room where we make the products and check each one individually.
Keep the stupid receipt!! - Seriously, it's just a piece of paper. It doesn't take up that much room.
You are not special - You can't return an expensive piece of electronics just because you've tried it out and decided you don't like it. That goes for DVDs, CDs, and video games, too. Again, do your research. A lady came in the other day with a DVD she watched recently, and wanted to make an exchange because she didn't like the story. Apparently she's never heard of Blockbuster, Netflix, or MovieStop.
No, you may not open the package - Most retailers will not take a return if the package has been opened (unless, of course the product is broken). This means that you cannot open a box to see what somethign looks like. Nobody cares that you bought something that goes with whatever you're opening (see the previous bullet).
Sweet Jesus, will you just keep the @#&*% receipt?! See, when you first buy something, you get a magical piece of paper. This special paper is just like a wizard's wand; when you use it, it takes someting you don't want and transforms it into something you do want! And the best part is, you can fit it in your wallet or purse, where it's with you all the time, yet conveniently out of the way! It's AMAZING!

'Tis the Season to Rock Out

2008-12-24T16:42:00.008-05:00

My girlfriend told me that she wanted a Guitar Hero controller for Christmas. So I thought about it for a while, and decided that wouldn't do. There's no reason to own a plastic guitar. Not when you can have a plastic guitar that contains the awesome forces of time and space!!! Behold the power of the Cosmic Axe!

I custom painted the faceplate of this controller using spray paint, paper, various lids and, of course, the might of the cosmos! It can be used to play all the Guitar Hero games for the Wii, and may well cause the Apocalypse if placed in the wrong hands.

Takin' My Own Stinkin' Break

2008-12-23T11:14:00.003-05:00

Since I just graduated, this will be the first holiday season where I don't get to lie around for two solid weeks. So make up for that, I'm taking a break from my arduous task of a weekly blog until next week. To keep you entertained until then, here's a picture I took at a local Waffle House of the Grinch, apparently attempting to do a Jedi Mind Trick.

Happy holidays, everyone.

The Best Writing Ever

2008-12-15T11:45:00.001-05:00

Well, my radio internship comes to an end this week. I suppose it's appropriate for this job to wrap up at around the same time we're wrapping up presents (get it? I used "wrap" twice, but in two different contexts!). With the end so near, I thought it would be equally appropriate to give you this:

More of
Jim's Rejected Ad Copy

"Quality Heating and Air" 00:30

WINTER IS ON ITS WAY, AND YOU DON'T WANT TO LET YOUR POOR FAMILY FREEZE TO DEATH, DO YOU? THAT WOULD MAKE YOU A TERRIBLE PERSON! SO FOR QUALITY HEATING AND AIR, YOU'LL NEED TO CALL QUALITY HEATING AND AIR IN WOODSTOCK! WITH A NAME LIKE QUALITY HEATING AND AIR, YOU KNOW YOU'LL BE GETTING QUALITY HEATING AND AIR! CALL 800-XXX-XXXX TO SPEAK TO A REPRESENTATIVE AT QUALITY HEATING AND AIR ABOUT A FREE ESTIMATE. THAT'S QUALITY HEATING AND AIR IN WOODSTOCK! DON'T BE A BIG FAT JERK THAT LETS HIS FAMILY BE COLD. CALL QUALITY HEATING AND AIR TODAY!

"Georgia Finance Commission PSA" 00:15

HEY KIDS! LET'S TALK ABOUT MANAGING YOUR FINANCES! IT'S THE COOL THING TO DO! REMEMBER, DON'T SPEND TOO MUCH MONEY ON YOUR CREDIT CARD, OR YOUR 'RENTS WILL GET ALL UP IN YOUR GRIZZIZZLE. THAT'S SOMETHING YOU KIDS SAY THESE DAYS, RIGHT? THIS MIZZESSAGE BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE GEORGIA FINANCE COMIZZLE.

"Eurasian Gourmet Restaurant" 00:60

DO YOU LIKE PAYING FIFTY DOLLARS FOR YOUR STEAK? HOW ABOUT A HUNDRED? WHAT IF SOMEONE PILED SOME DEAD SNAILS ON IT AND ADDED HOT MUSTARD SAUCE? I KNOW, IT SOUNDS TOTALLY DELICIOUS. IT'S ALSO A GREAT WAY TO SPEND YOUR MONEY DURING THE RECESSION! PUMP SOME MONEY INTO THE ECONOMY. AND BY THE ECONOMY, WE MEAN EURASIAN GOURMET RESTAURANT IN MIDTOWN. WE'RE SURE YOU'LL LOVE THE SPICY DEAD SNAIL MEAT SLAB, AS WELL AS OUR OTHER SPECIALTIES, LIKE OUR SUGAR-COATED SALMON STRIPS WITH A SIDE OF DRIED APRICOTS IN TABASCO SAUCE! CALL 404-XXX-XXXX FOR RESERVATIONS.

"Computer Techmen" 00:30

WE KNOW YOU'RE TOTALLY STUPID ABOUT COMPUTERS. I MEAN, REALLY, REALLY DUMB. YOU PROBABLY HAVEN'T OPENED AN EMAIL SINCE 1999 BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID OF GETTING THE Y2K. THAT'S WHY YOU NEED TO HIRE COMPUTER TECHMEN TO OUTSOURCE YOUR COMPANY'S TECH SUPPORT. AND NO, "TECH SUPPORT" IS NOT A KIND OF JOCK STRAP. CALL 800-XXX-XXXX TO SPEAK WITH A REPRESENTATIVE. IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE WITH THAT, JUST SEND YOUR REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE VIA CARRIER PIGEON, CAVEMAN. THAT'S COMPUTER TECHMEN IN JONESBORO.

Can you believe all these commercials got rejected? I mean, this stuff is gold! Well, disappointment aside, I hope you all have a safe and fun holiday shopping season. See you next week!

QUALITY HEATING AND AIR!

Arts & Crafts We Can Believe In

2008-12-08T16:09:00.005-05:00

Last Thursday I took the train home from work as usual. When I stepped in the car, I noticed a man carrying this:

It's a three by four-foot portrait of Barack Obama made entirely of yarn. The artist said it took a little over three days to complete, and was kind enough to let me take the preceding photo. I still don't know whether to laugh at or be impressed by his devotion to the President Elect. Maybe both.

...I don't really know what else to say about this. I'll just let you take it all in.

Please Don't Freeze My Horse

2008-12-01T15:30:00.000-05:00

So it snowed earlier today.

This is weird. Georgia is one of those places that maybe gets one inch of snow over the course of six years. And when we do see snowfall, it's in mid-January, when transplanted Yankees such as myself are finally ready to admit that the weather might be a little chilly. But here it is, the first day of December, and we've got scattered flurries. There may even be some more tonight.

Personally, I love snow. I don't even mind driving in the stuff. But as I've said before, native Georgians can't handle it. I'm sorry to stereotype, but it's true. Whenever Georgians hear there's a chance of flurries, all the bread disappears from the stores. Since our snow always melts within three hours, and nobody eats that much bread in a single day, I can only assume the loaves are used as an alternative to wall insulation and/or firewood.

Now the amount of snow we got today wasn't enough to make people batten down the hatches; it was forty degrees outside so there was no accumulation. But I think this is going to see a lot of Georgians on edge. Getting any snow this early in the season might be a precursor to something much bigger. A repeat of the infamous "blizzard of '99," perhaps? Maybe we'll get up to three inches of snow this year! If so, let the record show that I called it first. Therefore, I get naming rights. I've already thought of a few good ones:

The Three-Day Ice Age
Grampa's Dandruff Tornado
Jack Frost's Ice Cube Sandwich
~~Blizzcon~~ EDITOR'S NOTE: this name has been stricken from the list due to threatened legal action from Blizzard Entertainment.
Breadfest 2008

Night of the Living Action Figures

2008-11-23T21:19:00.009-05:00

As you probably already know, I work two jobs. One of those jobs is for a large retailer which shall remain nameless until I quit or the company collapses from economic problems. But until one or both of those things happens, I'm stuck working in the electronics and toy departments. So when I'm not pretending to be an expert on cameras and wireless routers, I'm usually cleaning up action figures.

Now you may be wondering what my point is in telling you all of this. Well, toys and electronics are the two top-selling kinds of holiday gifts, so this time of year I get a general idea of what's popular with the kids. Though you'd think they're all going for video games these days, you'd be sorely mistaken. No, this year the kids are crazy for Bakugan.

If you haven't heard of Bakugan, it's actually a pretty original idea. The franchise is based on a Japanese TV series in which a team of kids battle with monsters contained within tiny, colored balls. Wait. On second thought, that sounds a lot like something else.

Oh...right.

Okay, so they borrowed one idea from a popular franchise. Lots of companies do that. But Bakugan is different, in that the monsters only battle when the kids play a magical card game. That's totally original. Unless, of course you count that other show...

Alright, alright. So the creators of Bakugan had to draw some inspiration from a couple of successful programs. But unlike the Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh, the monsters can talk! Plus, the main character is this hotheaded kid who wears goggles on his head. You don't see either of those things in many shows.

Oh come on!

What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is a franchise with no honor whatsoever. Bakugan is a TV show that exists solely to sell toys, and it's ripped off from three other series that were also created to sell toys! At least Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, and Digmon had some integrity. I mean they all had card games, but the toys were optional. With Bakugan, the toys are actually a necessary component to gameplay. This is because in the TV series, the monsters are summoned by throwing the balls containing them onto the game cards. If they lose the game, the monsters may be banished to the "Doom Dimension," a Hell-like plane similar to the "Shadow Realm" from Yu-Gi-Oh. And by similar, I mean it's exactly like the Shadow realm. It's a place where the monsters are tortured and corrupted by evil. See what happens when you play with your balls?

With the ingenious combination of card games, toys, and an unoriginal-yet-mesmerizing tv series, we can't keep Bakugan toys on the shelves for more than a minute before they're sold out. I mean that literally; we can barely get them out of the boxes before rich children with disposable income and weary soccer moms lurk through the aisles to consume their only desire, like the zombies in Dawn of the Dead. The walls are stripped clean of Bakugan merchandise, much like flesh rended from the bones of the living.

So if all the toys are gone, can someone please explain to me how that area of the toy section is always so messy?

An Ode to a GPS Navigator

2008-11-17T14:43:00.003-05:00

O, my GPS navigator,
How I admire your work ethic
You never fail to put forth your best effort
To help me find my way,
No matter how many times
A new path must be found

O, my GPS navigator,
You are ever so polite
Always speaking quietly
So I cannot hear you over the radio
Even when it is turned all the way down
And my turn is just ahead

O, my GPS navigator,
Always reminding me to appreciate
What was once thought inconvenient
Such as Mapquest
And even folded paper maps
From filthy gas stations

O, my GPS navigator,
You bring out the rebel in me
As I cross four lanes of traffic without signaling
To make the exit in time
So that I might go the wrong way
On a one-way street

O, my GPS navigator,
You always forgive me when we fight
As I shout and hit the dashboard
You sit patiently and never quarrel
Calmly giving the next direction
Perhaps that is why I keep returning to you

Something that's probably bad for you

2008-11-10T07:00:00.000-05:00

I was cleaning out my closet the other day when I found this:

I picked up a package of these a while ago with the intent of reviewing them, but they got lost under the massive piles of junk that have piled up in my room over the years. I also found a treasure map and a small colony of gnomes.

As the package says, this particular type of candy "turns into gum." Seeing as Pop Rocks are already a snack with mysterious properties and questionable chemical structure, I knew that there had to be some sort of witchcraft involved in the bubble gum version. So I opened the package to inspect the contents.

So it has white and pink pieces, which I assumed would combine in my mouth in some kind of unholy alchemical reaction that would either turn into gum or summon a demon. I tasted the Pop Rocks with some trepidation. Lo and behold, they crackled every bit as much as regular Pop Rocks, while almost instantly turning chewy. Then after about five minutes the cherry-esque flavor ran out, but my teeth and soul were still intact.

Of course, I still needed to know what actually happens to Pop Rocks Bubble Gum that induces the transformation. Well, after separating and trying the rocks left in the package, I discovered that only the pink ones pop. The white ones are actually tiny pieces of gum. And here I thought I was dabbling in black magic! I was sorely disappointed. Still, I wouldn't be too surprised if I mutated from the sheer amount of chemicals in Pop Rocks that were not meant to be ingested by humans.

The Spooky Winner!

2008-10-31T13:45:00.003-04:00

As you probably already know, I announced the first annual Office Supply Halloween Costume Challenge a few weeks ago. I had hoped that this would be an opportunity for people to exercise their creativity by sticking Post-It Notes to their heads and potentially being mocked by coworkers. Sadly, this doesn't seem to be the case. Only one person entered the contest, so he gets first place by default. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the winner of the first annual Office Supply Halloween Costume Challenge!

Yes, the winner of the Challenge is none other than famed actor and bodybuilder Lou Ferrigno of The Incredible Hulk. He entered the contest with his robot costume which he made by punching holes into a filing cabinet and jamming two ballpoint pens directly into his skull. Now that's commitment to your character!

And no, this is absolutely not a badly Photoshopped image I cobbled together at the last minute. Shame on you for thinking that!

Well, this year's contest may not have turned out so well, but here's hoping for better luck next year! Happy Halloween!

Halloween Reminder

2008-10-27T20:40:00.004-04:00

Just to remind you, this week's update will be on Friday (Halloween) to announce the winner of the Office Supply Halloween Costume Challenge! You've still got three hours left, so send in those entries!

An Open Letter to the Candidates

2008-10-20T21:13:00.003-04:00

Hello, my fellow citizens! As I stated in my last post, I've been rather busy lately, what with having two jobs and looking for a more permanent career path, so please excuse my lack of a post last week. And this week. Yes, I'm sorry to say that I won't be able to make a post this week due to to my general business and a nasty incident involving a piggy bank, a car air freshener, and a crate full of potatoes. I won't get into detail, but let's just say that, "the stench was horrific," and, "the police got involved."

But because I care, I've brought in a special guest with an even more special message. Take it away, buddy!

-

Thanks, Jim. I got a couple of things to say to the guys running for president. I wrote a letter to both of them, and I figured I'd share it over the internet.

Dear Barack Obama and John McCain,

Hey, I'm Todd the roofer from Hallowell, Maine. I also install drywall and insulation. I'm not normally the type of guy to get involved in politics, but I was flipping through the channels the other night when I saw your debate. Now, you might not remember me, but I met both of you before. See, I work all over the great state of Maine, so it makes sense that I'd run into each of you when you were campaigning there. We didn't really chat a lot, just shook hands and smiled a bit for the camera. And I've got a bone to pick with each of you.

Now I don't have a big problem with the stuff the two of you stand for. Like I said, I'm not really into politics. What I want to know is, why wasn't I mentioned in your debate? What makes Joe the plumber so special? You both mentioned him God knows how many times last week, but I didn't come up once. Are you getting endorsement money from his plumbing company or something? Us roofers have needs too, you know? I got a friend named Paul over in Gardiner. He's a general contractor who I've done a few projects with. He once fell off a ladder when some teenager knocked it over. Stupid kid was messing with his iPod and walked right into it. Paul broke his arm and a couple of ribs, and was out of work for a couple of months. I heard the kid just got his iPod taken away for about a week. Did you talk about either of them? I didn't hear anyone say, "I think Paul the general contractor ought to have his job protected, and capital punishment should be legal in cases involving teenagers an music players." You never once said, "Todd the roofer needs lower taxes." Nope, it was just Joe, Joe, Joe with you two.

Anyway, unless plumbers take up an unusually big portion of voters, I think you ought to reconsider the directions your campaigns are going. The families of roofers need feedin' and teenagers need beatin' (you can both feel free to use that if you want, just give me some credit for it).

All the best,

Todd the roofer

It'll happen someday

2008-10-15T23:59:00.002-04:00

Sorry about the delayed update, folks. I've been a little preoccupied, now that I've taken on a second job with, "the best company ever," (at least that's what the narrators said on the training video). The name of this company will not be mentioned here, as I kind of need the money right now.

Anyway, next Monday I'll either be writing about the final Presidential debate or Pop Rocks. I haven't really decided yet.

How to make a Halloween Mask with Stolen Office Supplies

2008-10-06T08:00:00.002-04:00

You read correctly, my dear friends! As a young professional on the go, I know how difficult it is to take time out of a busy schedule to pick out a Halloween costume. And in this age of economic uncertainty, who can afford to buy one in the first place? Luckily, I have discovered a way for you to make your own Halloween monster mask using supplies that can be found in any office space. All you need is about ten minutes during your lunch break and to follow my steps. First, you'll need the following supplies:

Post-It notes
Pens (your choice of color)
Scissors
Tape
Stapler (optional)

Step 1
Take three Post-It notes off the pad and draw a different facial feature on each.

Step 2
Cut out holes in the eyes and mouth. The eye holes are there for obvious reasons, and you'll need a mouth hole so people can hear your MIGHTY ROAR! It's also good for eating candy.

Step 3
Accessorize! I used the staples to give my monster a spooky scar beneath its eye and put braces on its teeth.

Step 4
If you have a beard or naturally greasy forehead (or both) put tape on the paper for extra adhesion, then slap the notes on your face! This spooky monster mask is sure to terrify of your coworkers this Halloween (in more ways than one).

Don't get too terrified! This mask is just a rudimentary design. I know that the possibilities are endless, and I want to see your designs! That's why I'm announcing the first annual Office Supply Halloween Costume Challenge. The Challenge is to create a Halloween mask or costume using nothing but supplies found around your place of work. Send a photo of yourself in the costume, and you could win the big prize! Actually, I don't have enough money to give out a big prize, but the winner will get a flattering review of his or her site on this blog. Plus, all the photos will be featured here on October 31st. Here are the rules:

You may only use materials from your place of work. Nothing may be brought from home.
The photo must be taken at your place of work, so you'll have to take the same risk of embarrassment I did.
You may not use items already intended to be costumes or parts of costumes.
Entries must be sent as an email attachment to the address in my profile.
All entries must be received by 11:59 PM EST on October 27.

That's it! I look forward to seeing your terrifying faces! I mean costumes! COSTUMES!

I got gas

2008-09-29T18:16:00.024-04:00

Thanks to Hurricane Gustav (one of the first hurricanes with a genuinely scary name) and Hurricane Ike (yet another with a relatively cute name), the Southeast is pretty much out of gasoline for the next few weeks. I've only seen three gas stations in four nearby cities with any gas at all. While these places are a veritable oasis in a desert of petroleum, the widespread shortage has turned them into something eerily similar to The Road Warrior, minus the stylish leather attire. I find it best to avoid them.

While it's easy to get into a panic over this situation, it's times like this that make me thankful for the little things in life. For example, the fact that I can't fill up my gas tank means that I get to walk two miles to the local Jimmy John's. Let me tell you, walking that far for a meal really makes you appreciate your sandwich-eating experience.

Sure, we're all upset about the shortage, but as I just demonstrated, a little positive thinking can really turn a bad situation around. That's why I've compiled a list of:

Things that are Totally Awesome About the Southeast Gas Crisis

Blank Price Signs - With most stations running out of fuel, many owners are taking down their signs so people know to try other places. We're all sick of seeing high gas prices, and now we hardly have to see them at all! Just ignore the diesel sign. Who buys diesel, anyway?

Empty Stations - You might not expect it, but going to an empty gas station is kind of creepy. I mean, think about it: when was the last time you saw a completely empty gas station? I always thought that those only existed in movies about towns taken over by evil kids. Try walking through one of these parking lots; it's probably the closest you'll ever get to being in a horror film.

Christmas in September - The few stations that do have gas are usually completely packed. If you pass one at night, all the headlights, taillights, and turn signals in one place look almost exactly like Christmas lights. I'm feeling festive already!

I want all of you out there to keep thinking positive! What other cool things caused by the gas shortage can you think of? The possibilities are endless!

Spooky Unhealthy Goodness

2008-09-19T23:02:00.008-04:00

Alright, so I'm finally ready to admit that Halloween is near. I'll even say that I'm a little excited, even though there's never anything interesting to do this time of year in my neck of the woods (okay, so I just like any excuse to eat lots of candy).

In case you haven't heard already, Target has chosen the Japanese television character Domo-Kun (who gained fame in the US from this image) as its Halloween mascot. Among the usual orange creme Oreos and plastic pumpkins is a variety of Domo merchandise, including stuffed dolls in costumes, pinatas, and this:

If you didn't laugh at this photo, you have a heart of stone.

The allegedly strawberry flavored teeth tasted like something of a cross between high-fructose corn syrup, a Halls cherry cough drop without the menthol, and the plastic on the wrapper. The texture was what I imagine taffy would be like if it were accidentally processed in a marshmallow factory. Whether that's a good or bad thing is really a matter of opinion, but I didn't care for it at all. And at 99 cents for just one pair, the chompers are pretty pricey. But I think people buy this sort of thing more for the novelty than the taste. I know that's what I did.

RAARRR!

Why Your Opinion Doesn't Matter

2008-09-18T19:48:00.006-04:00

Just as a reminder, I have a second blog now. An explanation for it can be found here.

Today at the radio station I was asked to go through emails, adding senders to our newsletter contact list. A lot of these were contest entries and opinions on our new programming schedule. We had our share of complaints, too. I've heard stories about ridiculous complaints to the media before, but nothing compares to reading them firsthand. Here are a few of my favorites:

One man wrote to complain that we no longer play Georgia Southern University football, even though we still do. His signature states that he is a graduate of said University's business school, and lists the cities where he lives and works (not the addresses or company, mind you, only the cities). Just in case the people he emails need to know that stuff.
Syndicated radio host Mancow apparently made a joke about marijuana, which one listener found highly inappropriate since teenagers might have been listening (even though we don't make the show, and no teenagers listen to talk radio).
A mother was absolutely enraged that an announcer from the hourly news segment spoiled the uneven bar competition during the Olympics by announcing the results before the television broadcast. She thought we ought to have some sort of warning before sports results. Like Mancow, the hourly news is not produced in-house, as is made apparent by the announcement at the beginning and end of every segment.
Sometimes we host shows for our sponsors as part of advertising agreements. One of the sponsors with its own airtime is a local coffee house and cafe that hosts live musical entertainment every week. A man claiming to be a regular listener of the station sent an email complaining about the quality of this program. Due to this allegedly poor quality, he "suspected" that the cafe was either a product of the station's owner, or one of our sponsors. I thought it was kind of odd that a regular listener hadn't heard the numerous commercials played for the cafe every day.
A large number of people wrote in asking the station to change its program schedule. That's not such a bad thing, since if a lot of people complain about the same program, it probably means that a change needs to be made. But the people who wrote had really specific reasons. I don't think I saw a single one that just said, "I think this program should be aired at this time, because it's more convenient." Instead, people wrote letters along the lines of, "I think this program should be in the afternoon because in the morning I have to get the kids ready for school and then I have my part-time job and then I play bridge with the girls for a while and we usually go out for lunch afterward. Also, I'm special."
My favorite complaint defies all logic. One of our listening families moved to Austin, Texas, where there is another radio station that happens to have the same call letters. We received an email from one of the family members because the Dr. Laura show is on at a different time there, and she thought we should call the Austin station and get the program manager to change the time slot. Seriously.

This, my friends, is why big companies and politicians don't listen to us.

The Serious Blog and Fantastic Stuff

2008-09-15T15:07:00.000-04:00

I've created another blog, which can be found at this link. I'll continue to update this one, as the new one exists for a different purpose. A full explanation can be found here.

Now that we've got that out of the way, let's talk about Atlanta.

Last week I drove my brother's high school robotics team to a competition at the Georgia Institute of Technology in downtown Atlanta. Although I suppose "drove" isn't the right word. You don't drive through Atlanta, you go on an epic quest of mythic proportions. You swerve around vicious vagabonds and battle against demons riding steel carriages for passage into the left lane. And at some point during you journey, you must choose which of fifteen Peachtrees to partake of, as only one will bring you glory, while the others lead only to your doom.

So after braving a storm and disposing of a misleading oracle (my Tom Tom), we eventually arrived at the gates of Georgia Tech, where I dropped off the young lords and searched in vain for free parking. I ended up having to sign the gate troll's contract, paying four dollars to keep my car protected from bandits.

Then came the next great challenge: escape form the mythical city of Atlanta. As we walked through the darkness of twilight to find the lost parking space, we thought all was lost. But alas, we found the chariot and made our way out of that accursed city. Then we went to Chick-fil-A.

What? No Zombies?

2008-09-09T14:27:00.007-04:00

If you've been following the news lately, you know that the world was destroyed around two o'clock this morning when the Large Hadron Collider created a black hole and crushed the entire solar system into a singularity. I have to say, it happened so quickly that I didn't even notice it.

The fact that I'm typing this post means one of two things: either Metro Atlanta was the only place in the galaxy to survive the apocalypse, or the black hole sucked everyone into some sort of parallel dimension. I'm going to guess it's the second situation, since the earth's gravitational pull seems to be the same.

It's going to take time to adjust to living in a post-apocalyptic parallel dimension. For example, in this universe, people drive straight past stop signs and slam on the brakes at "keep going" signs. In addition, I've noticed that the television news here is totally ridiculous, giving us stories about fat people eating too many hamburgers, which, while hilarious, is not exactly what we look for in reputable journalism in our dimension. Also, I've grown an extra tongue, though my parallel doctor says that might be unrelated.

What effect have you felt as a result of the apocalypse? Has anyone out there experienced the rapture yet? I hope I didn't miss it. I'll be really disappointed if I did.

Cafe Big Something

2008-09-08T12:57:00.009-04:00

I was on my lunch break the other day, looking for a good place to eat in Atlanta. I decided that rather than going to one of the many chain restaurants, I would support one of my city's local businesses: The newly established Cafe Big Apple, located just outside the Midtown train station.

Despite the soft spot I have for locally-owned businesses, I was thoroughly disappointed with Cafe Big Apple. It's main problem is that it seems to suffer from an identity crisis; the place just can't figure out what it is.

As I walked into the restaurant, I thought I had a pretty good idea of what to expect, as the windows advertised foods like hamburgers, fries, pasta, and pizza in big, painted letters. But I guess I should have known better after looking at this:

Now I don't know what a "Phily Steak" is, but I guess it doesn't matter, since all but two items on the front windows were absent from the actual menu. It consists mostly of sandwiches, wraps, some breakfast items, and, for some reason, build-your-own burritos. I went up to the counter and ordered a turkey club, which, to the Cafe's credit, was speedily prepared by a friendly worker. As I moved down the counter, I passed a dessert case which had, among other things, this tasty treat:

My problem with this is that they don't tell you exactly where they found the cake, or under what circumstances. Was it in the back room when they bought the building? Were there some leftovers in a cake factory? What if it was dropped by some hobo living in the subway station? I decided to go with a brownie instead. I don't trust found food.

As I moved down the counter, I passed boxes of candy, aspirin, and cough drops. And at the end of the line, right next to the register, there was a big plate of unripe bananas. Seriously! It was next to the cookies and above the Skittles. They weren't on the menu, and there was no other fresh fruit to be seen. I guess the demand for bananas is high these days.

So I made my purchase and turned around to see a buffet-style counter with a big sign emblazoned with the words, "Hot Food." Indeed, it was hot, but the food didn't really fit in with the rest of the fare. There was a container of fried rice, another with mandarin chicken, another with some kind of spinach and cheese casserole, and yet another with beef ribs.

So we've got a combination of a deli, Mexican restaurant, coffee shop, mini-mart, Old Country Buffet, Chinese restaurant, and if you count the old issues of ESPN Magazine and Entertainment Weekly, a waiting room.

But what you really want to know about is the quality of the food. It's okay. I mean, it's fresh, it tastes decent, and has the nicest presentation you could expect from a small diner, but the sandwich I ate was really no better than something you might find at Arby's. So humbug to entrepreneurship!

So there you have it. If you like a variety of average food and nonsensical signs, you'll like Cafe Big Apple. Otherwise, I'd head down to the Panera Bread a few blocks away, or maybe the street vendor at the bus station. At least you know he'd have some interesting stories about all the cake he's found.

Dragon*Con 2008 Report

2008-09-01T19:07:00.015-04:00

Greetings, citizens of the Internet! I have just returned from the yearly event known as Dragon*Con, where the men are men and the women are naked. Dragon*Con is the Southeast's version of the San Diego Comicon (though I'll admit it's not nearly the same scale); several hotels in Atlanta are rented out for panels, concerts, celebrity autograph sessions, and other events, all with some sort of science, fantasy, anime, or other "geek" theme. My first time at the Con was last year with my brother and one of his friends, but we came on the last day, and thus didn't get the full experience.

This year, however, we stayed the whole weekend. I was completely blown away, not just by the sheer volume of people, but by their enthusiasm and dedication to their hobbies. It's customary to wear a costume, whether related to something in existing media or completely made up. I decided to go with the second option, becoming America's next great hero:

As Averageman, I possess the strength and speed of nearly one man, and have the amazing ability to roll coins and pay credit card bills online. Due to my oath as a superhero, it was up to me to observe my fellow science fiction, fantasy, and comic book-themed brethren to assess who is friend and foe.

Ah, yes, cookie monster! He is always a worthy ally in the battle against evil, especially when there are cookies involved.

Pffft. You call yourself a Storm Trooper? The Emperor would be ashamed. And to the little girl, good work, heroine-in-training!

Zounds! It seems that Indiana Jones has had a son! That is, he's had another son who isn't totally lame.

Jumping Jupiter! In some sort of horrible experiment gone awry, Batman and Boba Fett have combined into one! I'd better keep an eye on him. There's no telling what he'll do.

As is custom, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is blessing the cood citizens of Dragon*Con with his noodly appendage, keeping evil at bay.

Egad! The evil Galactic Empire has finally stolen Christmas! What other treachery is afoot?

Leaping Leotards! Dorothy has been turned into a zombie! I must find a way to cure her!

That's right, come closer, I only wish to help.

Okay, that's enough.

Seriously, you're getting in my personal space. Wait. WAIT! NOOO!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Editor's note: We at jimboroni.com apologize for the lateness of this week's entry. As punishment, we actually sent zombie Dorothy to devour Averageman. We thought he was pretty obnoxious, anyway. Now let's take a moment of silent remembrance, then move on with our lives.

Update tomorrow!

2008-09-01T19:00:00.002-04:00

Greetings, my l33t h4xx0rz and h4xx0rin4z! Due to the geek convention/brainiac fair/hippie love fest that is Dragon*Con, I won't be making an official update until sometime tomorrow evening. I need the extra time to regroup, organize photos, and cope with the fact that it's all over until next year.

Happy 4th of October!

2008-08-25T13:57:00.009-04:00

I love Halloween (at least I did before paranoid soccer moms ruined it), and even as an adult I still get excited when I see orange and black decorations in the fall. So with October 31st right around the corner, you can bet I'm getting all hyped up.

Wait, what's that you say? It's August? Halloween is over two months away? Oh, sorry, I guess I got confused when my girlfriend sent me this:

We were both perplexed by this image. At first I thought that this display must be at some sort of dollar store. Those places pretty much get whatever merchandise they can whenever it's available, so it would make sense for one to have Halloween decorations next to American flags left over from Independence Day. Either that, or it was some sort of mix-up at a mainstream store. That was until I saw a Halloween-themed magazine at a supermarket and display of Halloween pop-up books, gummy vampire bats, and wax fangs at a local book store.

I've got a big problem with this. Marketers have already taken away much of the joy I used to associate with Christmas by putting out merchandise in early October. And now they're moving in on Halloween. I don't know about other people out there, but one of the things I like about holidays is that they only come around once a year. If we celebrated something and exchanged gifts every day, it wouldn't be special anymore, and we'd get tired of it. So when days like Christmas and Halloween get turned into sixty to ninety day-long promotional events, I tend to get jaded to them.

But as usual, I have a solution.

America's businessmen are simply doing what they normally do: increasing demand for the products they sell by making the selling seasons longer. The problem is that they're not diversifying their investments. There are plenty of holidays with product-selling potential that just haven't been exploited, leaving big gaps of marketing potential, and saturating the marketplace with the same old things. Take Labor Day, for instance. Nobody seems to care about it anymore. Sure, a lot of white collar workers get to take the day off, but there's no real excitement. So I've decided to form a new marketable tradition around Labor Day so maybe big business will ease up a little on the other holidays.

First we need a mascot. I recommend Peter J. McGuire, who had the initial idea for Labor Day in 1882.
McGuire, or "PJ," as he'll be known, will wake up around noon the first Monday in September. He'll don a suit of armor in honor of the Knights of Labor (the organizers of the first Labor Day parade) and fly around the US atop his magical Teamster-certified semi truck, driven by the ghost of Jimmy Hoffa. He'll deliver unclaimed unemployment checks to children until 3pm so he can beat the traffic home. I can see it now:

There! Now that Labor Day has a new and easy-to-sell image, we can stop saturating the market with Halloween and Christmas! We can preserve what little integrity these holidays have left!

Right?

Please?

My Girlfriend is Very Results-Driven

2008-08-18T22:12:00.005-04:00

Sorry gang, but I've only got time for a quickie post today. While I try to stay away from the "personal" posts, I just thought this was pretty funny. My girlfriend Carol and I went to "Dave & Busters" last week, and this was the result:

That photo is of about 4100 tickets, equaling 8200 points at the "Winner's Circle" prize store. I won approximately 300 of them. Carol won the rest.

She also won me this dolphin.

Them's Good Eatin': Part II

2008-08-15T14:00:00.005-04:00

Last week I wrote a post about the ultimate investment, Shakespeare's Choice Gourmet Pasties. As it turns out, nobody bid on "The most recognizable trademark in the Western world," and both it and the domain name, www.shakespeareschoicegourmetpasties.com, remain unsold. But that isn't stopping our pal Marty Highton! Using all his business savvy and marketing insight, he made an uprecedented move that will completely turn this situation around: he relisted the auction at reduced price.

Absolutely brilliant.

Stop. Stop Right Now

2008-08-13T14:00:00.002-04:00

The Internet is a mecca of free speech and self-expression. Ordinary people can easily start online groups for political discussion and to gain support for social causes. While the idea of a worldwide public forum is the ultimate ideal behind democracy, it has an unintended consequence. Many people (teenagers in particular) now live under the delusion that everything is a democracy. This mistake has led to one of the most annoying trends on the Internet: online petitions.

The online petition is based on certain people's confusion between emails and ballots. The logic is that if enough people complain, somebody else will solve our problems for us, no matter how ridiculous the problem or farfetched the solution. Don't like the minimum wage? Petition for an increase! Having relationship trouble? Petition to make divorce easier! Worried about home insurance coverage? Petition to make fire illegal!

A Google search for the word, "petition," yields over 48 million results on the day of this writing. But there's a special place in my heart for the ones on Facebook. This is because while online petitions are useless in general, the ones on Facebook are especially irrelevant. They're made by people who have absolutely no idea how the world works. For example, there's the group "15,000,000 for lower gas prices." I'm all for lower gas prices, but the fact that anyone believes that fuel costs will magically drop just because he or she signs a Facebook petition astounds me. That's like if you or I were to walk into a gas station and tell the attendant, "I don't want to pay fifty bucks to fill up, so I'm gonna pay you half. I've got a printout of a bunch of emails from people who agree with me, so it's ok. We're cool, right?"

That petition is obviously a useless response to a relevant issue, but my favorite petitions respond to irrelevant issues. Right now there are at least three different groups garnering support to award Heath Ledger a posthumous Oscar for his performance in The Dark Knight, even though Academy Awards are awarded by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. I guess none of these petitioners have heard of the People's Choice Awards. You know, the ones they, the people, actually have a say in.

Oh, but the petitioning fun doesn't stop there! My personal favorites include:

Petition to Lower the Drinking Age to 18 CLICK THE LINK, SIGN IT - The description of the group reads, "MOVE THE DRINKING AGE UP TO 23!!!!" I guess the people joining forgot that an e-signature is not the same as a vote. It's okay, though. They were probably drunk when they joined.
. Facebook Will Be Forced to Shutdown ! Join and Save it! - Facebook and competing website ConnectU have been legally battling each other for years over various issues. Some high schooler somehow got it in her head that, if Facebook loses all its money from legal costs, she can save it by making an online petition! I didn't know business worked like that!
Petition for John Lennon Day - It's pretty much exactly what it sounds like. The goal is to get 6.4 million people to sign the petition and send it to world leaders to lead to an international holiday in remembrance of John Lennon.
Students Against Facebook News Feed (official Petition to Facebook) - These people never figured out how to change the privacy settings in their profiles.
Petition to get the entire Hey Arnold series on DVD - Really? You couldn't find a moderately more important cause than this?
4 Day Week, 3 Day Weekend. (Official Government Petition) - This petition to make the school week shorter takes the cake. Not only does this actually promote laziness, it does so in the laziest way possible. As if that wasn't enough, the group's description actually makes me think we should extend the school week:

"ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This group might not work, but it might work. So join anyway, is it that hard to join all u have to do is click join. Don't join this if ur just going to say, that it is stupid and wont work. Cuz it might work and all u have to do is join, for all u people trash talking this group, dont u have anything better to do than trash talk this, sitting on ur fat f***ing ***es, just join and hope that it will work.

If enough people join this group, in about a year. We might set up a date and go on strike until they change it. They cant make us go to school, teachers go on strike why cant we?

THIS GROUP IS FOR CANADA AND UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! ONLY!"

Oh my God! You mean students can go on strike if they don't like school? They aren't legally required to get an education?! Why didn't anyone tell me this when I was that age?! And the petition also has a link to an Xbox Live group? That's totally awesome!!!!!

Sarcasm aside, the preceding petition was started by a Canadian, proving once and for all that stupidity is not limited to the USA. In fact, I think I felt a few of my brain cells die just writing this post. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I think my views have any more effect on the world than these, erm, upstanding citizens, but at least I have the good sense to realize it.

Since I've only covered a few examples here, I know that there are far more ludicrous petitions out there. Have any of you seen some lately? Post the funniest ones you've found!

You Know I'm Right

2008-08-10T21:06:00.011-04:00

The Summer Olympics are here once again, bringing people of all nations together in celebration of human perseverance and sportsmanship. And this time, the Chinese government has added to the festivities by doing what it does best: a bad job lying to everybody!

Now that the obligatory jab at China is out of the way, I'd like to say that I've never been a huge fan of the Olympics; I just never found sports all that appealing. So it goes without saying that I haven't been paying too much attention to the games on television, though with all the censorship I'll find out just as much about them, if not more, through hearsay (okay, now the obligatory jabs at China are out of the way).

I'm not alone in my lack of interest. TV coverage of the Olympic games has seen decreased ratings over the years. This got me thinking: what can be done to broaden the Olympics' potential audience? The obvious answer is to add more events. We have already seen the rise of such sports as synchronized swimming, badminton, and table tennis in recent decades, so why not expand the events even further? It is with this in mind that I am proposing the following new Olympic events for 2012:

Shoplifting

Disguised athletes have thirty seconds to enter a local convenience store and leave with at least one item without paying for it. Contestants are judged based on speed, stealth, number of items stolen and estimated retail value of said items (measured in the host nation's currency). If a competitor gets caught, he or she is automatically disqualified. This event doubles as an excellent sponsorship opportunity!

Dating Gary Busey

A makeshift diner is set up in the stadium, where competitors go on a date with Gary Busey. They are judged by their ability to hide their fear. Each athlete must last at least ten minutes with him or face disqualification.

Wikipedia Editing

The athletes sit at computers in the stadium. They must edit as many pages as possible with inaccurate and/or unverifiable information until they are banned by the administrators. Contenders are judged based on number of pages edited, believability, and use of leet speak. Bonus points will be automatically awarded if Wikipedia's IP logs show a student accessing an edited page for last-minute essay facts.

Crushing Cars with Monster Trucks

I think this one speaks for itself.

So there you have it! If the International Olympics Committee is reading, it can feel free to use any of these innovative suggestions. How about you, loyal readers? What events would you like to see in the future? Leave a comment with your ideas!

I Will Burn Down Los Angeles

2008-08-07T21:15:00.008-04:00

You may remember a previous post I made about the upcoming abomination Disaster Movie, in which I threatened various acts of violence against its directors. That was immature and probably unwarranted, but hey, I was upset, and I never made any claims to being mature, anyway.

Just as my rage was beginning to subside, I saw an announcement for an upcoming movie entitled Crossroads 2 on the TV Guide channel. Now I know what you're thinking: "Crossroads 2? I don't even know what Crossroads is!" And that's good. Because Crossroads was a 2002 movie starring BRITNEY #@!&ing SPEARS! It's a movie that was better off as a faded memory, resting in unreachable areas of the collective subconscious, but Hollywood just won't let it die!

When I saw the announcement, the first thoughts that came to mind were along these lines:

"Oh God. Oh Holy Mother of God. No. No. NO! NonononononononononononoNO!" I REFUSE to live in a reality where Britney Spears is in more movies! Somebody better $%&#ing restrain me, because Lord knows what might happen if I get anywhere near the kitchen knives or anything flammable! You will pay for this, Hollywood! I will summon the GODS AND DEMONS OF MOVIES TO COME FORTH FROM THEIR KINGDOM AND SMITE ALL OF HOLLYWOOD AND THE EVIL IT HAS SPAWNED. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!"

...and then I blacked out for a while. I...I need to be alone now. Right after a trip to the liquor store.

Them's Good Eatin'

2008-08-05T08:15:00.024-04:00

I didn't make this up.

I have a special treat for you today that came to me through a couple of sources who will remain anonymous for business reasons. A man named Marty Highton is selling the trademark of a name and logo you've almost certainly heard of. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Shakespeare's Choice Gourmet Pasties.

Click for larger view

Huh? What do you mean you haven't heard of it? Have you been living under a rock? Marty says it's, "The most recognizable trademark in the Western World," so you must be totally ignorant and uncultured.

Truth be told, the man selling this trademark first registered the name with California's copyright office in mid-2007. He advertised the sale through a thick, photocopied packet he sent around to various big food corporations. While pasties are an actual food, there is no such product as "Shakespeare's Choice." There is only a name and logo. According to the packet, Mr. Highton started in business preserving butterflies, and he used to know Johnny Cash, which is why his totally awesome sketch of William Shakespeare is worth seven million dollars.

Click for larger view

Yep, forget about using lawyers and sales representatives to sell your brand, the way to make it in corporate America is through eBay auctions!

One of Marty's brilliant sales tactics is to claim that Shakespeare "endorsed" pasties in his plays (you know, since most of the world would know something like that). He includes quotes from The Merry Wives of Windsor, All's Well That Ends Well, and The Tragedy of Titus Andronicus. The first quote, “Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come we have a hot venison pasty to dinner: come gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness,” isn't too bad, except that the play is all about mean-spirited people tricking each other for financial gain and their own amusement. The second quote reads, "I will confess what I know without constraint: If ye pinch me like a pasty, I can say no more." Parolles, the character who says this line, has been captured and is about to be interrogated. He's basically stating that he will give the desired information. "Pinch me like a pasty," actually refers to torture.

My personal favorite, though, is the last quote, "And make two pasties of your shameful heads." It doesn't make too much sense by itself, so let's put it in context:

Hark, wretches! how I mean to martyr you.
This one hand yet is left to cut your throats,
Whilst that lavinia 'tween your stumps doth hold
The Basin that receives your guilty blood.
You know your mother means to feast with me,
And calls herself Revenge, and thinks me mad:
Hark, Villains! I will grind your bones to dust
And with your blood make a paste,
And of the paste a coffin I will rear
And make two pasties of your shameful heads...

The Tragedy of Titus Andronicus
Act V, Scene II, lines 181-190

Well there you have it, ladies and gentlemen! For the scant price of seven million dollars, you can own Shakespeare's Choice Gourmet Pasties, the creepiest food in existence! I can just imagine the ads:

Click for larger view

Stupid Style

2008-08-04T11:17:00.012-04:00

I've got to confess something: I'm a fast food junkie. My love of fast food is probably the biggest reason why I find it difficult to lose weight. I got off the wagon earlier this year, spending over a month without the sensual delights of burger joints and taco stands. What nobody told me was that this would detoxify my body, nearly destroying my tolerance for this kind of food. Did you know that eating at Taco Bell after going over a month without causes muscular pain? And not just in the abdomen, either.

Unfortunately I decided to go against all logic and actually worked through the pain just to be able to eat food that's bad for me. So once again I find myself craving personal pan pizzas and deep fried chicken sandwiches with bacon on top. I now find it hard to resist going straight over to the local Burger King whenever they announce a new product (that new product being the aforementioned deep fried chicken sandwich with bacon on a commercial I saw just this morning). This is especially inconvenient since the trend at fast food restaurants over the past few years has been to release a new item about once a month.

Sometimes companies like to push their new products really hard for various reasons. Take, for example, the McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich. It came out a few months ago, and it looks like the chain is trying to make it a permanent menu item. The concept is simple: a breaded chicken breast with two pickle slices on a bun. The McDonald's website boasts: "The all-new Southern Style Chicken is so tasty, you won't even need to dress it to enjoy it."

I have a big problem with this sandwich. I haven't actually tried it, since I'm not really a McDonald's fan. No, I have a problem with the way it's being marketed. See, there is exactly one reason this "glorious" sandwich has the name, "Southern Style": McDonald's stole the idea from the Southern restaurant chain Chick-Fil-A. There is nothing "all-new" about it.

Chick-Fil-A's claim to fame is the "original" chicken sandwich, which contains - wait for it - a breaded chicken breast with two pickle slices on a bun. If you ever eat at a Chick-Fil-A, you'll see the recognizable phrase, "We didn't invent the chicken, just the chicken sandwich," painted on the wall. I wasn't raised in the South, so I'm probably not as fanatical about the restaurant as some of my friends who were. But I've lived here long enough to know that it makes much better chicken than McDonald's. Like, infinitely better. Which begs the question of why on Earth I would see any McDonald's Southern Style Chicken Sandwich commercials here in Georgia? I can sort of understand marketing this product in the North since those poor souls don't know any better, but everyone here sees the ads and thinks, "Dude, that is such a ripoff."

McDonald's will never make money off its new sandwich in the South. It just won't. If I'm going to take in that much cholesterol, I'm going to get it from something that tastes good. Advertising a blatant ripoff of a favorite Southern food in the South isn't just stupid, it's insulting. Despite what much of the world seems to think, the American South isn't solely made up of slack-jawed, dead-eyed trailer trash who will fall for something like this. Heck, even those people can see right through this McDonald's campaign. It is because of this that I am officially boycotting McDonald's! Well, I haven't eaten there in a year anyway, since I don't like the food in general, so I guess you could say that I am officially continuing to not eat at McDonald's. Only this time, I'm serious! I'm never eating there again. Of course, if I got hungry and there was nothing else available, I guess I'd have a Big Mac or something. But other than that, no more McDonald's! Period! Then again, there's always the chance that they'll bring back the Shamrock Shake. I'd totally go there if they had that again. Or if they brought back those awesome "Transformers" Happy Meal toys. Yeah, that'd be totally sweet.

Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh right. McDonald's sucks.

A Tribute to Michael Savage

2008-07-28T08:00:00.005-04:00

Every day it seems like the United States is becoming increasingly divided. This is never clearer than in election years, when we see more and more divisive issues being brought up by presidential candidates, then immediately taken back when those issues turn out to be unpopular. It feels like nearly everyone has become a complete cynic about their opposing political party. If you're a Republican, people think you're a war-mongering Social Darwinist who's out to kill all the black people, and if you're a Democrat, they think you're a soft-headed idealist who wants to teach third-graders how to have sex.

You can hardly discuss anything without it having a political slant these days. Religion, medicine, business, and even horticulture have all become politically-charged issues. It can be paralyzing; you never know who you're going to offend. Sometimes lifelong friendships even end as a result of political differences.

But there is a glimmer of hope, America. Amidst all the conflict, one man rises above the clouds of confusion, his head held high. This man is none other than radio host Dr. Michael "Savage" Weiner.

Michael Savage is the man who will unite the nation. If we can get everyone in the United States to listen to his insights into politics, society, and human nature, we can all finally come together as a people and agree that Michael Savage is completely insane.

If you've never heard of Dr. Savage, then you've made it my great pleasure to introduce him. He's the host of the right-wing political talk radio show, "The Savage Nation." If you want to get a good idea of where he stands politically, I suggest using the following diagram (click for a larger view):

If you listen to him talk for more than 10 minutes, you will realize that this man lives his life in two states: asleep and angry. Name a topic, and Michael's yelled about it on his show. "The Savage Nation" is reportedly heard by over 10 million people every day, though it's really 20 million by his estimate. He gets this figure from...some sort of magical figure-creating fairy, I guess. Except he would never let a fairy near him, since they're destroying America with their same-sex marriages (I was speaking of fairies in a literal sense, but there's no way Savage would take the risk).

Now, I realize that a lot of people are against same-sex marriages for theological reasons, and I'm not here to argue about that. No, what I'm here to talk about is Savage's belief that socialist public school teachers are collaborating with Nazi-controlled Hollywood to not just teach your kids that it's alright to be gay, but to make them gay and teach them how to have gay sex, thus dismantling the fragile institution of marriage (though his first marriage ended in divorce).

But that's not the ONLY thing Michael Savage is angry about! Other evils include:

Catholics
Mexicans
Abortion (his first wife had two while they were married)
Sex education (remember kids, abortion is bad, but so are contraceptives!)
Rappers
Pornography (his son is the CEO of Rockstar Energy Drink, a big sponsor of "Girls Gone Wild")
Muslims
Gay people (I know I already wrote that, but he hates them so much that it needed to be stated twice)
Conservatives (when they're tolerating gay people)
The media (except, of course, his show)
Autistic kids (he changed that position when he started losing advertisers)
Liberalism (everything listed above is automatically caused by this, even the conservatives he doesn't like)
Miscellaneous (changes from day to day)

The reason I love Michael Savage is not because I like his opinions, but because just about everyone can agree that this man is out of his mind. His world view is so warped that he seems to believe that "Leave it to Beaver," is a documentary of how America really was in the 1950s. He's so right-wing that even Bill O'Reilly dislikes him. No matter how heated a political argument gets, I can neutralize it by saying, "Well, at least [that person I/you support] isn't as bad as Michael Savage." In fact, I would love it if he ran for president just so we could watch the speeches and debates. Not only would it make for some entertaining TV, we'd see voter participation higher than any other time in history, just to prevent this man from getting into office.

I'm going to leave you today with a recording of my very favorite Michael Savage quotes. If you have kids, play it for them before they go to sleep, and I guarantee they won't be afraid of the boogeyman anymore. Just think of it as my gift to you. I'll admit right up front that some of these quotes may have been taken slightly out of context (though others are not), mainly because they sound way funnier this way. But you have my absolute promise that Dr. Savage sounds every bit as crazy in context. In fact, there are clips of him in context all over youtube.

Well, that's about all I have to say today. Have a wonderful week, America.

I won the War on Christmas

2008-07-21T08:00:00.002-04:00

I was cruising around town like I’ve been known to do, and I saw a sign at the local video store advertising a “Christmas in July Sale.” I was, of course, appalled. It should have read, “Nondenominational Winter Holiday in July Sale.” I immediately parked my car and filed a grievance with the manager, who acted like he had never heard this complaint before. I then informed him that I would be reporting his company to the ACLU, as the store was obviously run by bigots.

Okay, so that never happened. I just thought it would be funny to write something like that. But since we’re already talking about stores, sales, and holidays, it’s back to school season! Stores are stocking up on pencils and notebooks, with ads portraying students smiling widely and jumping out of their seats from the anticipation of hunching over their desks and studying algebra. Just like in real life!

This can only mean one thing: just three more weeks until the holiday shopping season starts! There are such whimsical new decorations and toys every year, and I can hardly wait. In fact, I have an inside source who was able to show me a few of this year’s hot items. You’d better start ordering now, because come November it’s going to be tough to get your hands on:

The Three Hot New Holiday Products of 2008

Insulting Tree Ornaments

The holiday season is the time of year to show people how you feel. So why not be honest? Nobody likes everybody, so express your disappointment in others with these festive decorations. These ornaments are a beautiful addition to any home, and they come with an optional engraving of the recipient’s name.

Drunken In-Law Holiday Bear

The holidays are also a time to be with your family. Sadly, rising travel prices make it difficult for many families to get together during this season. But that doesn’t mean they can’t still give each other the experience of being home for the holidays! Introducing the Drunken In-Law Holiday Bear. It comes standard with a glass of eggnog and cigarette (ash tray not included), and if you squeeze its belly, it criticizes your home’s décor!

Precious Moments 2008

What would the holidays be without this year’s line of Precious Moments figurines? This year Gifts Gifts Gifts Inc. has decided to put a new twist on its classic line of collectibles by focusing on more down-to earth themes. This year's figurines include Judgmental Santa, Five-Week-Old Christmas Tree, and Holly Jolly Minuteman.

So there you have it! Aren’t you in the holiday spirit already? I know I am. Remember, there are only 156 days left ‘til Christmas!

Must...control...fist...of...death....

2008-07-18T12:16:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I know it's not Monday yet, but I felt the need to share something with you. As some of you know, I love movies. The art of film is a way to tap into the hearts, minds, and imaginations of people everywhere in ways not possible in other media. I love classics like The Maltese Falcon, Citizen Kane, Touch of Evil, and Psycho, but I'm also into modern movies like the Star Wars series, The Matrix, Spider-Man, and Toy Story. Heck, I'll even sit down and watch an Austin Powers flick once in a while. Whether it's for intellectual consideration or entertainment, I really love a good movie. So you can imagine my reaction when I saw this trailer:
Disaster Movie

I'm not sure if there is even a word to describe my rage. The fact that Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (the directors of Disaster Movie) are still alive is enough to make my blood boil, but knowing that they're still making movies makes me want to fly to Hollywood with nothing but duct tape and a shovel so I can...well, the rest is far too graphic to post publicly.

Right now you might be thinking, "Why are you so mad, Jim?" Well, Friedberg and Seltzer are responsible for such monstrosities as Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, Scary Movie 4 (they're only partially responsible for this one), and Superhero Movie. They didn't actually contribute to that last film, but I still blame them for it.

If you want a decent portrait of a Friedberg/Seltzer film, imagine Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2. Then take out everything that was good about them. Then imagine the writers playing "Mad Libs" with 20 different scripts from popular movies, then rearranging the pages in a random order. Then picture a cast of actors, models, and celebutantes (or whatever people like Kim Kardashian are called) getting completely hammered and wreaking havoc on a movie set for a couple of hours.

In fact, I bet I could write a review for Disaster Movie right now, without having even seen it:

"First, a guy dressed like a superhero got hit in the crotch with a blunt object. I chuckled a little. Then he got hit in the head. Then he got hit in the crotch a few more times. After that, some meteors came and actors who vaguely resemble other actors got squished. Kim Kardashian showed up a few minutes in and I threw up in my mouth a little. When Carmen Electra made an appearance, I died a little inside. Luckily, I had my flask with me, so I decided to drink until the movie was good. That plan backfired, since I had forgotten that I'm an angry drunk. I walked out of the movie after twenty minutes in a drunken stupor and drove recklessly to the hardware store. I came to the cinema with a dozen tanks of propane and burned it to the ground. The police let me off with a warning."

I'll end this post with a plea to Mr. Friedberg and Mr. Seltzer: for the sake of filmmaking, your integrity, and my local movie theater, stop making movies.

Kinda makes you think

2008-07-14T20:44:00.010-04:00

Some of you may have heard of Jack Thompson, the Florida attorney and noted anti-fun activist. He's currently undergoing disbarment proceedings for being an incompetent lawyer and all-around nut case. Thompson is famous for his moral stances against rap music, Janet Reno, video games, and pretty much anything else that isn't either praying or doing laundry. And it had better be your own laundry, pal. Don't let him catch you touching someone else's underpants.

Mr. Thompson (or, "Crazy Old Man Jack," as I call him) is most well-known on the Internet for his protests against video games, most notably the "Grand Theft Auto" and "Counterstrike" series. You might remember him appearing on a few news programs after the tragic Virginia Tech massacre, blaming Counterstrike for poisoning Seung-Hui Cho's mind and influencing him to kill his classmates, even though this claim was contrary to all evidence. Then there was his attempt to get the folks at "Penny Arcade" investigated by the FBI for donating a $10,000 to charity in his name. The man is insane in his hatred of video games and those who make and play them.

The reason I'm bringing him up is that we haven't heard a lot from Jack lately, which I think is odd considering an extremely popular game has recently been released. This game has people lined up in front of closed stores weeks after its release. It's fast-paced, addicting, and more importantly, more immersive than anything Crazy Old Man Jack could have imagined. I'm speaking, of course, of Wii Fit.

Without a doubt, Wii Fit is the creepiest game ever made. You step on that balance board, and the game immediately starts judging you. When was the last time you played a game that could call you obese and unbalanced? It also adjusts your weight for whatever you're wearing, whether it's light (-2 lbs.), heavy (-4 lbs.), or "other" (-0 lbs.). Sure, the menu says other, but we all know what it really means: naked as a jaybird.

Then there are the mini games. Sure, some seem innocent enough, like the Hula Hoop challenge or the Table Tilt. But then you get things like the Tightrope Tension, which consists of a rope with robotic bear traps on it. If you hit one, you fall down 50 stories to your death. Then there's the jogging course, where you run down the track and look at your Mii's rear bounce up and down for ten minutes. Yeah, way to appeal to the kids, Nintendo. Oh, and what about the Balance Bubble? Your character floats down a river in a bubble, and you can't touch the shores or the buzzing bees. And what happens when you do? The bubble pops, and you drown. That's it. Your Mii is dead.

But I didn't mention the creepiest game of all: Zazen. In this game you sit cross-legged on the balance board. On the screen is a lit candle in an otherwise pitch black room. All you do is sit still while the crickets chirp. But after a few moments, you hear a mysterious noise...

Creak...creak...creak...creak...creak!

You don't know who's walking around. You can't see anybody or hear any voices. Is it a ghost? A zombie? Jack the Ripper? Dick Cheney? You'll never find out who it is; all you can do is sit there perfectly still and hope you don't get your intestines ripped out before the game is over.

So where are you, Jack Thompson? You care so much about how video games are affecting our nation's youth, you need to get on this! If we don't stop the menace of Wii fit now, impressionable children everywhere are going to leap off rooftops, drown in rivers, and break their backs trying to master yoga poses!

On a side note, I give the game an "A," it's a load of fun to play, and you'll actually break a sweat.

Territorial Dispute

2008-07-07T19:50:00.004-04:00

Many people know that the Southeast is suffering from a water crisis. Much of the region has been in a drought for over a year, so you could say that we're getting a little thirsty down here. My home state of Georgia has an ample supply of lake and groundwater, but it's being split up among us, Florida, and Alabama. So our choices are to either use less water or find more sources. Anyone who lives in the Atlanta area knows that it's undergoing rapid economic development and experiencing an influx of people moving in from out-of-state. All this uses water, so the first option isn't really viable.

Georgia's been looking for more water since long before the drought. We thought we found some in South Carolina, but it turned out to be a mirage. Then there was insane former Macon Mayor "C. Jack" Ellis' idea to deliver some of Middle Georgia's groundwater to Atlanta in trucks. Finally, I found a stranger-than-fiction story in last month's Atlanta Magazine (yeah yeah, I'm behind the times; sue me). The Tennessee River (made famous by the popular country song of the same name) runs through Alabama and, you guessed it, Tennessee. The river comes pretty close to Georgia, barely missing it's northern border. And the state government wants a taste.

See, Georgia's official border was drawn in 1818, and redrawn in 1823. And as it turns out, the guy hired to map it got his math wrong. as a result, Georgia is 1.1 miles shorter lengthwise than it's supposed to be. If the calculations had been made correctly, we'd have our own piece of the Tennessee River to mooch from...I mean utilize.

After kicking itself for not realizing this sooner, Georgia's legislature made a ridiculous, yet ballsy move: it asked Tennessee for those missing 1.1 miles. Can you imagine the conversation the representatives must have had with each other?

Georgia: Hey, Tennessee, my man! What's up?
Tennessee: Georgia! Boy, it's been a long time since we've gotten together like this. How've you been?
Georgia: Oh, not bad, not bad. Well, we do have this one problem, you know, with the water.
Tennessee: Ooh, right, I heard about that. Tough break. We'd help you out, but -
Georgia: -Actually, you can help. See, remember that mile or so of land we accidentally dropped on your floor about 185 years ago?
Tennessee: Heh heh, oh yeah. Man, that was one wild party.
Georgia: Yeah, see, it has a pretty important piece of river in it, and we kind of need it back.
Tennessee: ...
Georgia: So...yeah...you can just drop that off whenever.
Tennessee: Get the #&$% out of my office.

So as it turns out, we're actually going to court over this. It's like the entire state has become a metaphor for the stereotypical redneck ex-couple fighting over possession of a rusty 1979 Ford Bronco with no tires. Sure, we didn't need it before, but now that we're appealing to new people, we need a sophisticated place to wine and dine. Seriously, doesn't the world already see the South as being backwards enough as it is?

Filling in for David Letterman

2008-07-01T21:03:00.004-04:00

Wow, I really flaked out yesterday and forgot to update. I can't think of any decent excuse, since I'm unemployed and I'm not creative enough to lie about having a real job that keeps me distracted. Come to think of it, I probably just should have done that.

I like to remain optimistic in these times of trial. I try to keep myself under the delusion that maybe my next call won't be met with rejection, unlike the previous two-hundred. In addition, I do my best to observe the positive aspects of unemployment. I've arranged these into one of my always delightful lists, called,

The Top Ten Great Things About Being Unemployed

10. There's plenty of time to sort coins for cashing in later.
9. Daydreams of what to do with your lottery winnings become much more vivid.
8. Your toenails will never be trimmed so neatly.
7. Loss of self-esteem due to constant rejection will make even being considered for a job seem like the hand of God has descended upon you with choirs of angels just to give you a pat on the back. Also Harrison Ford is there to give you a high five.
6. As Notorious BIG said, "mo' money, mo' problems."
5. Checking Facebook and MySpace every day will help you learn everything about your friends. EVERYTHING.
4. Hours of watching "Jerry Springer" and "Maury" will make your life seem so much better by comparison.
3. High gas prices no longer matter, since you don't need to drive anywhere.
2. Plenty of time to plan your outfit for the next comic book convention.
1. Two words: sleeping in.

That's it for today. I'm going to start working on making updates more often. Those AdSense checks don't write themselves, you know! I figure if I double my traffic, in three years I'll make over a hundred dollars.

Greener than ever

2008-06-23T16:31:00.009-04:00

Remember when "green" was just a color? I always used to associate it with leprechauns. These days, green is so often associated with environmentalism that I feel like the color itself ought to have its name changed so it can have its own identity again. Maybe something like gurple.

But I'm not one to stand in the way of progress. Regardless of your stance on global warming, we should all probably do our part to preserve the environment and reduce our dependence on fossil fuels. It's time we take serious action in the quest for alternative energy sources.

I recently read an article in Popular Science entitled, "10 Audacious Ideas to Save the Planet," which addresses alternative energy concepts ranging from orbiting solar panels to putting all of our carbon dioxide into giant balloons in the bottom of the ocean. What I found most astonishing was not the sheer ridiculousness of some of the ideas (like contained tornadoes), but that they never contacted me for any of their information. Since the mainstream media insists on suppressing the voices of us hardworking and patriotic bloggers, I'm forced to share my innovative ideas on this site. Here are some energy-saving concepts you may not have heard of:

Mastication
Did you know that every time you chew, your jaw produces a tiny bit of heat? For thousands of years, we have made no attempt to harness this power (it's no doubt that the big oil companies are behind this). My proposal is to hook up heat conductors and wires to kitchen light bulbs, which will be inserted into the mouths of families sitting down to dinner. That way, the light stays on for the exact amount of time the meal lasts.

Caves
Humanity has spent most of its existence as a nomadic species, traveling from cave to cave as the seasons changed. Why don't we try that? Caves are cool in the summer and tolerable in the winter without any electricity. With a little feng shui, your average cave can be quite fashionable. Sure there might be bears, but we can easily make peace with an offering of pic-a-nic baskets. If there are any moms reading, think about how you'll never have to yell at your kids for drawing on the walls again! As for the dads out there, doesn't a barbecue really make you feel like a man? Well, just imagine cooking steaks for your family from a mammoth you slaughtered with your bare hands! Your chest can get hairier just thinking about it!

Spider-Man
Peter Parker is supposed to be some kind of genius, right? He could be solving the energy crisis instead of constantly going after that hussy Mary Jane. I mean, has he even made an attempt to calculate his web's carbon footprint? I've started a letter-writing campaign telling Spidey to get his priorities in order.

Politicians
A turbine will be placed in every government building in Washington, D.C. to harness all the hot air that comes out of politicians' mouths. In one day it would provide enough energy to power Michigan for a year. GET IT? POLITICIANS?? HOT AIR??? HILARIOUS!

Scientology
According to the first page of data in Scientology's OT III document, Xenu, the evil former ruler of the Galactic Confederation, has been imprisoned somewhere on Earth in an electronic trap for the past 75 million years. What I want to know is what is powering this trap, and how can we bring it to the good people of our planet? Come on Tom Cruise, get on it! Xenu's probably dead by now, anyway.

So those are my ideas for reducing the harm we're doing to the environment. No need to thank me when the earth is finally safe.

Real life is boring, and a shout-out to Carol

2008-06-16T17:31:00.010-04:00

Unemployment has freed my mind to consider the profound questions of life. Why are we here? Does God exist? How many brownies can I fit in my mouth at once?

Unfortunately, all this free time can lead to incredible boredom. That's why I love the Sci Fi Channel. If you ever want to laugh and feel better about your own life, watch a Sci Fi channel original movie. A new one gets released just about every other Saturday, and with budgets of over one million dollars, you know you're in for some great entertainment. Who can doubt the quality of films with titles such as Boa vs. Python and Frankenfish?

Sci Fi ran a zombie movie marathon yesterday, with the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead as the featured title. The one I was most interested in, however, was the channel's very own Dead & Deader. It's the first film directed by Patrick Dinhut, who you may know from...I guess high school if you both happened to go to the same one. It was written by Mark Altman and Steven Kriozere, who have worked on masterpieces such as the film House of the Dead 2 and the children's cartoon Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi.

The star of Dead & Deader was, of all people, Dean Cain of the 90s TV show, Lois & Clark. That's right, f-ing Superman was in this! He plays Lt. John Quinn, a soldier infected with a zombie virus who somehow retains conscious thought. He teams up with a stereotypical black man named Judson (Guy Torry) to stop the his undead former teammates from spreading the infection.

At first I wondered why Quinn was the only zombie to act like a normal person, but then I got distracted when he put another zombie's arm into a meat grinder while Judson chopped off a lady's head with a ceiling fan. I snapped back into reality when I started hearing amazing one-liners like, "Your story has more holes than a Michael Bay film."

As you'd expect, the virus gets out of control, a crazy doctor wants to get his hands on it, the hot girlfriend gets kidnapped, and blah blah blah. There's an obligatory explosion at the end, and everyone goes their separate ways. Meanwhile Judson becomes more and more stereotypically black as the movie progresses. That's saying a lot, because his fifth line is about chicken and biscuits. About a third of the way through he puts on a shiny red jacket a-la Michael Jackson (which stays shiny despite getting covered in gore) and his Southern accent eventually becomes unintelligible.

I'm focusing on Judson so much because, sadly, he's the most interesting character. Lt. Quinn is so unmemorable that I had to look up his name online. I was going to look up the hot girlfriend's name, but I didn't care enough.

Overall, Dead & Deader was an entertaining movie, albeit in all the wrong ways. Dean Cain, if you're reading this, you can do much better.

Something you may or may not have known

2008-06-09T17:46:00.003-04:00

While I'm certainly not an elitist, I find that it's sometimes good to set certain standards in life. For example, if I order a hamburger at a restaurant, I expect it to be hot and delicious, preferably cooked between medium and medium-well, with fresh vegetables and buns. I also like my french fries to be crispy and well-salted. If the server brings me a charcoal briquette on hardtack with a side of raw bacon, that meal does not meet my standards. I have similar standards when it comes to the English language. I like to hear people using proper grammar. I cringe when I hear someone say, "There's about a hundred birds in that flock," or, "I ain't seen nothin', " or, "Y'all." I have learned to tolerate these errors since they are so common. But the one aberration in English that I can't stand is, "ish."

Ish is not a word. Ish has never been a word. Ish is what is known as a suffix, meaning it is added to the end of words. Examples include:

Brutish
Foolish
Hellish
Ghoulish
Standoffish

...and so on. Lately, it has been popular to attach ish to the end of sentences to deemphasize the adjectives, as in, "The movie was good. Ish," and "Your new dress is very slimming. Ish." Perhaps I'm the only one annoyed by this trend, but to me it raises fears of what future generations will think of our time. Think of how much less respect we'd have for past leaders if we had quotes like,

"Give me liberty or give me death. Ish."

-Patrick Henry

"All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence. Ish."

-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Ish."

-Abraham Lincoln

How will today's national heroes be remembered? Just think of how many profound statements will be ruined by that little grammatical error. Things don't look too bright for our generation at all.

It's a small world after all

2008-05-26T19:12:00.008-04:00

I've had the "Indiana Jones" theme song stuck in my head for the past two weeks, as I'm sure many of you have. It's impossible to turn on the television for more than two minutes without some restaurant or breakfast cereal doing a cross-promotion. And if you walk into any grocery store, you can bet that you'll see promotional packaging on candy or soda with good ol' Harrison ford on it. Next thing you know, you've got the familiar, "DA dada DAAAA da-daDAAAA," playing in your head. I learned a few years ago that the only way to stop a song from playing in your head all day is to think of one even worse. Hence the title of the post.

Yeah, I know, I'm an evil little man for doing that to you, but at least you've got a change of inner ambiance, right? Anyway, I think it's a shame that the Indiana Jones themes song is being so overused. I mean, a really good soundtrack is being destroyed! Why would anyone do that? Have Lucas, Spielberg, and Williams run out of money, so they need to license the track to as many third parties as possible? Are the corporations trying to salvage tarnished reputations by using an American icon for a new face? Is God punishing us for our sins through John Williams by making us listen to the same thing over and over and over again?

As for the movie itself, I thought it was decent. It's not a fantastic movie, but it has its merits. I've heard a lot of people complain about the source of the crystal skulls and the movie's ending, but when you think about it, its not really much less realistic than any of the others. Sure, it came as a surprise to all of us, but let's put things in perspective: If we accept the fact that Indiana Jones is an archeology professor who can take down entire battalions of Nazis and communists, dodge bullets, and discover both the Holy Grail and the Ark of the Covenant, can we really complain about the ending of Crystal Skull being unbelievable?

I've heard others complain that the latest movie is just mindless action with special effects here and there, but isn't that basically a description of every Indiana Jones film? They were never about deep themes or relevant messages. They're about watching Harrison Ford run around beating America's political enemies. They're fun movies, and I think Spielberg and Lucas accomplished what they set out to do.

All in all, I've had a good run

2008-05-12T23:07:00.008-04:00

As of last Saturday, I am an official graduate of Mercer University. As far as anyone in the graduation audience knows. Truth be told, I still have to take one online summer course, Intro to Philosophy, before I get my diploma. But mark my words, on June 20th, I’ll be a proud recipient of a BA in Communication and Theater Arts and a minor in Christianity. There’s no limit to what I can accomplish with all the opportunities available to people with my degree! I could even manage a frickin’ Arby’s.

Now that I’m out of school (well, sort of), I’m desperately searching for a job that doesn’t involve polo shirts and plastic name tags. Looking through various job options and seeing the qualifications (they usually go something like, “Seeking an employee with more experience than you”) has made me examine the past four years and the valuable lessons I’ll keep the rest of my life. It is on that note that I bring you:

Absolutely Everything I Learned in College

How to create your own problems
Academia is often referred to as the “Ivory Tower” for a good reason. Institutions of higher education are insulated from the outside world, like a snow globe inside a gigantic beer cooler. Needless to say, life is good for us big shot academics, not having to deal with so many problems that plague the outside world. It’s so good, in fact, that we’ve become adept at creating the illusion of oppression. College gives you the ability to become so bored with your life that you have to invent new conflicts just to be entertained. Thus we have the enigmatic figure known as “The Man.” The Man is basically the academic’s version of the boogeyman, and usually takes the form American politicians and corporate executives. Even though universities benefit from a democratic, capitalistic society, it’s so much more fun to pretend to be an oppressed victim. It just adds to the adventure of life!

Never mix tequila with Tahitian Treat
Tahitian Treat is a soda distributed almost exclusively in the South, and it’s a terrible shame. If you’ve never had it, first imagine carbonated Hawaiian Punch. Then add about twelve pounds of sugar, and you’ve got a pretty good idea of what Tahitian Treat has to offer. Try it out if you ever get the chance, but like the section title says, don’t ever – and I mean ever – mix it with tequila. I got the idea to do this, calling the mix “Polynesian Punch” a couple months ago on a whim because I figured:

A: I love sugar.
B: Tequila makes everything better.

Instead, the stuff tasted like cough syrup. To make matters worse, the chemicals in the two drinks reacted in a weird way, effectively raising my body temperature about eighty degrees. My entire body turned bright red, as if I had been sunburned, baked in a Quizno’s oven, and given “pink bellies” all over my body by a professional wrestler. Combine this with my new facial hair, and you get – well, just look:

Before Punch / After Punch

Consider yourself warned.

Causes are trendy!
Do you care about international issues? Do you tell all your friends about the great work you’re doing for the world, but still haven’t let absolutely EVERYBODY know how generous and charitable you are? Spread the word about your philanthropy with stylish clothes and handbags!

Okay, I admit I used Photoshop to make this, but only because I couldn’t find the actual bag I’ve seen on campus that looks exactly like this. I’m not the one trivializing the issue here.

Everything you have to say is important
"Fasten your seat belt Professor, because I'm about to drop a load of knowledge on you." This is my all-time favorite quote from a student in an ethics class I took. College is the one time where you can talk about Aristotle, Kafka, organ selling, and Spider-Man all at once and actually have people listen to you. After all, you never know when you're going to make the next major philosophical breakthrough! If you don't spread your knowledge to the unwashed masses, who will?

Well, there you have it. Yep, that's really all. You know, I'm not sure at this point whether or not I'll miss the world of academia. I've already made the decision to get out in the real world (at least once I've got a job), unlike my friends who opted to travel to a magical land called, "Grad School." If Arby's offers me the opportunity to use my liberal arts education to its fullest extent, if it's a place where I can truly express myself creatively and intellectually (I am, after all, a sophisticated academic), I think I'll be okay.

In which I state many controversial things

2008-05-05T23:55:00.005-04:00

I know this is late, but it's because of all the stuff I've had to do with final exams, graduation, and packing up to go home. I've uploaded a video which, like the title says, may be considered offensive to some. This one isn't nearly as funny as I intended, but I hope to make more of these movies in the future when I have more time to work on them. Regardless, I hope my video makes some valid points and makes you think about TV advertising.

I'm Gonna be a Baloney Salesman!

2008-04-28T23:26:00.012-04:00

With my formal education drawing to a close, I'm increasingly worried about my future. What does someone with my talents do in the real world? What becomes of liberal arts students once we graduate?

Apparently, we become salesmen.

I posted my resume on some of the major career websites like Monster and Careerbuilder. Since then, my email inbox has been flooded with offers for secretarial positions, commission-based sales jobs, and at least one money laundering scheme.

That doesn't bother me too much, since as I publicly state in my online profile, I have no marketable skills. I don't expect to get a decent job straight out of college. In fact, I don't expect to get a decent job for at least another five years. What bothers me about some of these offers is the slick language some of these employers use to bait victims...er, I mean applicants.

Look, I spent four years studying the English language and media. I know how advertising and marketing work. And even without a college education, I can tell when somebody is trying to take advantage of me. The first sign is getting a job offer from a representative can't tell me what the company does. The second sign is when the job offer has any words in all caps. This also works for job descriptions that use multiple colors in the text. For example, if an email or website looks anything like this:

GREAT OPPORTUNITY! RAPID ADVANCEMENT! Do you want to work from HOME, set your OWN HOURS and be your OWN BOSS? Make up to $10K every WEEK! This is NOT A SCAM! I know because I met this ONE GUY WHO TOTALLY GOT RICH OFF THIS THING AND NOW HE GETS ALL THE LADIES!!!!!11

One of my favorite listings is one from a company called Mosaic. I'm naming the company here because I never intend to work for it, and could not care less if they offered me an interview.

Title: Merchandising Specialist

Description: "As a part-time Mosaic Merchandising Specialist, you will maximize retail awareness and sales of our client's products by conducting visits to your assigned stores on a multi-day schedule...In this role, you will be responsible for maintaining on-floor stock levels and merchandising standards; placing and maintaining point of purchase (POP) materials and price signage; and collecting and reporting detailed product placement and stock level information."

I'd say that roughly translates to:

Title: Delivery boy

Description: You're a delivery boy.

I'd be ten times more likely to take that job if Mosaic would just be that upfront about what's being offered. But then again, I suppose that they use that kind of language to weed out the dumb people who don't know what they're getting into. It's just was well, because that means there'll be better jobs left over for me. Say, maybe this whole tricky salesmanship isn't so bad after all. Hooray for social Darwinism!

The Series Finale or Something!

2008-04-14T18:46:00.003-04:00

The final episode of Said & Undone is now on YouTube. I can't express how thankful I am to everyone who made the series possible. I also can't express how appreciative I am of all the feedback I'm getting. Because I'm not getting any. Seriously, if you're reading, let me know what you thought of Said & Undone. I'd really like some feedback, so I know where to improve.

Since we're talking about bad TV already, I recently had the pleasure of viewing a program on the History Channel about the end of the world. It was a bit outdated, because one of the speakers from the "web bot project" (a program designed to tap into the collective unconscious of the web and make predictions) stated that the Western world would be involved in nuclear combat by now. Oops. I guess the program manager got lazy. Anyway, the whole theme of the show was centered on the year 2012, complete with spooky, flickering graphics of the year a-la The Matrix. They referenced the typical prophetic literature, such as the book of Revelation and the I-Ching. The show never mentioned Nostradamus, though. Maybe it's because he thought the world would end in 1999 (he predicted the September 11th attacks, my eye). The show also referenced an alleged prophet who turned out to be an accidental stoner. She got her visions in a cave that happened to be on a fault line that leaked noxious gas.

The show's producers chose the date December 21, 2012 as the end of the world mostly because that's where the Mayan calendar stops. You know, the Mayans who predicted that pale-skinned gods would come to them in 1519, the same year that the Conquistadors arrived? Wow, they were right about that! Only the Conquistadors weren't gods, and they slaughtered practically the entire civilization. But of course believers think that this was all allegorical or misinterpreted prophecy from the Mayans, though this doesn't stop them from believing an end to the calendar means a literal end of the earth. Does this mean that the world will end on December 31, 2008, because my calendar stops on that day?

I'm already making plans for what I'll do on December 21, 2012. I'm going to throw a big "End of the World Hootenanny." There'll be cocktails, a band, and all sorts of festive decorations. I'll hang black streamers and use gas masks as table ornaments. Since it's right around Christmas, kids will be able to sit in the Grim Reaper's lap and ask him for presents. And hey, we might as well sacrifice and roast a goat just in case the Mayans were right. And everyone's invited! So come on and tell me what your ideas are for the End of the World Hootenanny, so it'll be fun for all!

iBlunders and eNarcissism

2008-04-09T20:45:00.004-04:00

There's a new service being provided on MyHeritage.com that's all the rage on Facebook. It's called "celebrity face recognition," where vain individuals such as myself load a photo of ourselves onto the MyHeritage website, and the face recognition program shows us what celebrities we look most like. Needless to say, some of my match-ups were dead-on, but I strongly disagree with others. Below the photo, you can see some commentary on each of the results.

Brad Pitt: Hell yes.
Martin Lawrence: Oh come on. I'm way funnier than Martin Lawrence.
William Wyler: A three-time, Oscar-winning, French Jewish director. Sounds about right to me. I mean, that's exactly what comes to mind whenever I think of a German Lutheran blogger.
Mark Feehily: A gay Irish boy band sensation? Why doesn't he just wear a name tag that says, "Hi, my name is JIM"?
Patrick Swayze: Huh. I'm not sure how to feel about this one. Do women still think he's hot? I guess I always thought he was kinda goofy-looking.
Edward Norton: Much like his character in Hulk, I too transform into a terrifying beast whenever angered. Right on, celebrity face recognizer!
Estalla Warren: Despite my brief foray into synchronized swimming and swimsuit modeling, I refuse to be associated with anybody involved in the Planet of the Apes remakes.
Rabindranath Tagore: I'd put in some sort of witty comment, but I can't. I looked this guy up on Wikipedia (and we all know how reliable they are over there), and I honestly can't understand half the words on it. I guess he was a writer? I don't know. Maybe I should brush up on my Bengali.

Well, that's all for today. And just in case you're wondering, the Monday updates are still a go. But I've decided to update other days from time to time should the mood strike me. Peace out.

Said & DONE

2008-04-07T20:41:00.001-04:00

The final episode of “Said & Undone” is playing on MERCER99. The magnificent John Wooden and I stayed up until two in the morning to get it finished on time. As much as I enjoyed working on the project, I’m glad it’s over. There’s still the matter of getting it on YouTube and making DVDs, but I don’t have to worry about hours of filming and editing, and I don’t have to deal with the frustration of getting the cast and crew together to sacrifice their free time for something for which they’re getting very little reward.

However, as a reward to myself, I'm taking this week off. But I'll be back next week with all sorts of hilarious adventures to regale you on (or maybe just one).

Now it's time for episode 3!

2008-03-31T20:43:00.002-04:00

Episode 3 of Said & Undone is now online. Click here to watch parts one and two. Episode four will be delayed another week (I'm praying to God that it only is one more week). Peace out, everyone.

Episode 2 is online!

2008-03-25T17:08:00.006-04:00

I can't think of any puns to go with that title. Anyway, Episode 2 of "Said & Undone" is now online. Once again, the Spectacular John Wooden (yes, I do intend to use a new adjective every time I mention our editor) had to split the show into two parts due to YouTube's ten minute time limit. Click here to go to the playlist. I hope you enjoy it; this is one of my favorite episodes (it's a tie between episodes 2 and 3).

Now that that's out of the way, can someone explain to me why it snowed in Atlanta yesterday? Since when does it snow in Atlanta four times in one year? More importantly, since when does it ever snow in Atlanta in March? I might need to do a little bit of explaining for my Northern friends. While I know that it's not entirely unheard of to experience small flurries this time of year in the North, this never happens in the South. With the exception of Florida (and Washington state, depending on your point of view), Georgia is just about as close as you can get to a tropical environment in the continental United States. It's pretty rare to see snow in December or January, let alone late March. Then this happens, and my entire world just goes spinning!

I've decided that I have a new view on worldwide climate change. I no longer believe in global warming. I have formed a radical new theory called "global getting high." While Al Gore might tell you that carbon emissions are trapping solar heat radiation in the atmosphere, my theory states that Mother Nature is sitting up on a cloud somewhere, getting high off our exhaust fumes. She's gotten so tripped out at this point that she's causing all these crazy anomalies in our weather. Atlanta's flurry was a result of her getting the munchies and wanting a snow cone.

My most immature post yet!

2008-03-24T00:56:00.009-04:00

Carol and I went to Starcadia, a local arcade and mini-golf course in Macon, a few weeks ago. While we were there, I thought I'd try my hand at one of the crane games (you know, that game where you lower a claw into a class box full of stuffed animals and don't win one). To my shock and awe, I got three toys for the price of one! I can only assume that the planets were all aligned at that exact moment, because with one quarter I was able to pick up a teddy bear, a Batman doll, and a stuffed Freddy from "Scooby-Doo" simultaneously. I gave the bear to Carol, but she wasn't interested in the other toys. That left me with Fred and Batman. So what does a grown man with dolls do? He plays kitchen with them, of course. So without further ado, I present what is likely to be the next big web sensation!

On second thought, maybe this wasn't such a great idea. I need to get outside more often.

The Pilot is Online

2008-03-17T12:53:00.004-04:00

While that's something you never want to hear while riding an airplane, it's good news for us on the Said & Undone crew. The Astounding John Wooden split Episode 1 into two parts due to YouTube's ten-minute video time limit. Both parts can be viewed at the following links:

Said & Undone Episode 1.1
Said & Undone Episode 1.2

I'll admit that this episode moves a little slowly, but it's necessary to get things started. Things really pick up in Episode 2, and I'll let you know when it's posted. You'll get to meet the whole cast of characters and begin to understand just how Charlie/Jake and Bobby's show began falling apart.

Thanks to everyone who has been working their tails off to make this series possible.

On the air in 5...

2008-03-10T15:58:00.005-04:00

The show made its debut earlier today. I'm not sure exactly what time it was; I might have been asleep. Depending how things go, we might be uploading older episodes to MERCER99's new YouTube channel. The second episode is set to air Friday, which means we have a heck of a lot of work to do for the third and fourth episodes.

In other news, I managed to get my greedy little hands on a copy of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, which is perhaps the most sought-after title for Nintendo's Wii. I strolled into Target yesterday morning, and the price tag wasn't even on the display yet. The cashier put the tag up right after I asked for the game, and soon I was in my apartment with a title that is sure to be sold out for a couple of weeks.

For those of you who don't have the latest Smash Bros. title, allow me to take this opportunity to rub it in your faces. This game is awesome. It's the first in the series to use characters not licensed by Nintendo (in this case Solid Snake and Sonic the Hedgehog). With all-new powers and items, the game is more chaotic and fun than ever. Have you ever seen Solid Snake breathe fire while brandishing a lightsabre? I didn't think so. There are only three things more awesome than that:

Finding a free onion ring in your french fries
Winning the lottery
Getting a high-five from Jesus

Yeah, so I'm going to have to control myself if I hope to get anything productive done this week.

jimboroni dot com

2008-03-03T12:21:00.005-05:00

So my school begins its spring break today (though everyone left campus over the weekend), which means I get a week of what I like to call, "productive nothingness." Productive nothingness is where I spend a lot of time in my room with my homework in front of me while watching cartoons and reading old "Dilbert" comics. That way it seems like I'm being productive for hours on end, while not actually accomplishing anything. I also get tons of ideas for flash animations, blog posts, and scripts for my TV show, which also make no progress. It's great, because I set no real goals during my vacations, so my self-disappointment is kept to a minimum. At the end of the break, I feel like I've accomplished something, but never needed to put forth any effort.

Here's a great example of productive nothingness: In a feeble attempt to establish a greater web presence, I've registered the domain www.jimboroni.com. It involves technology and cost ten dollars, so it must have some sort of significance. Nothing's really changed about the way I do things here. I've got a few plans, most of which will probably never reach fruition, but, you know, we'll see how it goes.

See you next week, and happy spring break to all! If you're not on spring break yet, just visit this page again when you are.

This is a fine profession

2008-02-25T12:29:00.002-05:00

The first episode of my TV show, Said & Undone, is finished. It took about two years of writing, improvisation, planning, phone calls, tears, sweat, BLOOD (I once got a paper cut from a script) and sarcastic remarks from MERCER99's adviser, but we finally finished the first episode.

It's interesting to experience firsthand what indie filmmaking is like. And at the risk of sounding like an egocentric art snob, I say that filmmaking is all about sacrifice. I'm not talking about "suffering for my art" and that sort of nonsense. This is just a silly, arguably shallow comedy about a bunch of kids who try to follow their dreams and fall flat on their faces. But there is still sacrifice.

First, you sacrifice a bunch of time. Time not spent filming is usually spent worrying about filming. Next, you sacrifice money. MERCER99 has been tight-lipped about its budget, but rumor has it that the channel has under $100. So Said & Undone's budget pretty much consists of what I can get from my own pockets (I think the tab is currently somewhere just over $100). After that, you sacrifice about 80% of your ideas once you sit down to write the script. Then when you actually get to the set, you sacrifice 50% of what's written down (though improvisation is both welcomed and encouraged). Bear in mind that this show is supposed to be based on real events, which means we've deviated so far from reality at this point that I believe we've opened up some sort of parallel dimension.

There's still a lot of work to do. Episode two is about 75% finished, and all but one scene in episode three has been shot. We only have one scene in the fourth and final episode shot, but the plan is to make it shorter than the rest (we have our reasons, but I don't want to give them away just yet).

Anyway, I won't be posting the episodes online, at least not until they air on campus (the first one is set to air right after spring break). But because I love you so much, I'm going to share the title sequence with you. It was edited by the lovely and talented John Wooden, and directed by yours truly. The music is a clip from the song, "The Last Show," by Reel Big Fish.

Enjoy, and have a spectacular week.

"Disgusting, yet whimsical"

2008-02-18T14:46:00.007-05:00

The above title comes from a Christopher Titus standup comedy album, and it's the only phrase I can use to describe a discovery I made concerning the very page you're reading.

I subscribe to a free service called Google Analytics. Google Analytics allows me to track the number of people who visit my blog every day, as well as other stats. One kind of data I can track is the sources of my hits. So if someone uses a search engine like Google or Yahoo to find me, I know what words he or she used. This is very useful for me, as it allows me to see what the most popular topics and keywords are.

So I was checking the list of search terms and found this (click it for a larger view. commentary was added afterwards):

There's only one reaction you can have when you discover something like this (CLICK ON THE PHOTO):

Why? WHY?!?! Why does anybody want to see two of the biggest icons of childhood joy and innocence engaged in lascivious acts?! WHY?! The fact that someone wants to see Mario and Peach naked means that there are people who want to see OTHER childhood icons naked! Thoughts come to mind of seedy strip clubs on Sesame Street and Minnie Mouse turning tricks out by the docks. And I don't even want to think about these peoples' twisted fantasies involving the Ninja Turtles. I feel like my mind is being corrupted already. The evil web-perversion has desecrated my computer. I think I'll burn it now.

All the cult, half the price

2008-02-11T12:09:00.001-05:00

It all started with this creepy-as-heck video by the infamous hacker group known as "Anonymous." It's a response to another creepy-as-heck video featuring Tom Cruise rambling on about how only Scientologists can help people in car accidents and some propaganda about how psychoactive drugs such as Prozac and Ritalin are responsible for "all academic failures" and increasing violence in schools (check out the 3rd video down on the linked page). The movie was leaked from a secret Scientology award ceremony in which Cruise wins the "Freedom Medal of Valor."

I did a lot of research on Scientology. A lot. Call it my "obsession of the week." This research has helped me translate a few things Tom says in the video, just in case you decide to watch the thing:

KSW: "Keeping Scientology Working." A controversial memo from L. Ron Hubbard (Scientology's founder), outlining ten points all Scientologists must follow. It's more or less a doctrine of following Hubbard's writings to the letter and suppressing dissent.

SP: "Suppressive Person." Anybody who disagrees with the teachings of Dianetics and Scientology. This also includes people who try to get their loved ones out. And me, by the time anybody in Scientology reads this.

PTS/SP: "Potential Trouble Source/Suppressive Person." A potential trouble source is anybody who has come into contact with a suppressive person.

Tech: Short for "technology." In this instance, "tech" refers to L. Ron Hubbard's writing. I'm not sure whether or not this includes his mediocre science fiction.

Orgs: Short for "organizations," the most famous of which is the "Sea Org." Orgs are a sort of management training facility for Scientologists. As with everything in the "church," they cost a lot of money. There are multiple allegations of human rights abuses in these orgs, including unsafe conditions and forced labor.

Ethics: Has multiple meanings. It is most often used to refer to the principles of Hubbard's teachings, but alternatively means a form of discipline to ensure conformity. This is most likely Cruise's use of the word as indicated by his context.

Criminon: One of Scientology's many front groups, supposedly a criminal rehabilitation facility. Many members get drawn into the "church."

Way to Happiness: Another front group.

Spectator/Spectatorism: A spectator is somebody whose "crimes" weigh so heavily on his or her mind that he or she no longer trusts him or herself to do what Scientology dictates.

CCHR: "Citizens' Commission on Human Rights." An anti-psychiatry front group of Scientology.

I was kind of disappointed that he never said, "enturbulate," in his interview, because it's my favorite Scientology buzzword (it's a word Hubbard made up meaning "to upset" or "to agitate"). When the video was finished, I thought to myself, "And to believe I once felt sorry for this guy." I honestly thought Tom Cruise was just another of Scientology's brainwashed drones (they really are like robots. Check out this video and the others this guy did - they repeat the same things over and over again). But he's been elevated to practically godlike status in the "church," which makes him just as guilty as David Mascavige, the current president of the group and Cruise's puppet master.

In the course of my research, I discovered Scientology's true purpose: profit. In fact, an official policy bulletin written by L. Ron Hubbard in 1972 states, "Make money. Make more money. Make others produce so as to make money," (source 1, source 2). Hubbard himself is alleged to have laundered over $200,000,000 (that's two-hundred million) in foreign bank accounts. More recently, a video of the 2007 OT (Operating Thetan, an upper level) Summit has been leaked. The "summit" was more like a three-hour sales pitch for new editions of Hubbard's original book series, which cost thousands. David Miscavige states toward the end, after spewing lies upon lies to his audience, "It's all predicated in the fact that your route to knowledge means studying these books and lectures in chronological sequence. Sure, you can do them on your own, but why not do them in the Org? And even if you had a tinge of wonder about what that might entail financially, when you leave this event hall, you'll feel guilty for even having had that thought." I'm not going to link to the video here, because I want it to stay online. Email me if you want to see the video series of the summit.

And yet The Church of $cientology enjoys tax-exempt status in the United States for being a religion (thank you, President Clinton).

So why has Scientology gotten away with these activities for so long? Some would say that it's their secretive nature. Others say it's their crack legal team and their ability to hide behind the First Amendment. Still others think its the group's harassment policy and unrivaled ability to blackmail its members and detractors. But I say it's a lack of competition.

That's why I've decided to start my own cult, the Church of Profitology! That's right, you can have all the benefits of Scientology at a lower price than the competition! So I'm going to introduce my latest invention, on par with the discovery of fire and exceeding the importance of the wheel, the "B-Meter" (patent pending)!!!!!!

And for a limited time only, you can get my B-Meter (patent pending) absolutely free of charge. I personally guarantee that it has all the same stress-relieving qualities and medical benefits as L. Ron Hubbard's E-Meter, and it's totally free of charge if you order in the next two seconds! Not convinced yet? Take a look at some more images of my fabulous new technology!

Just grab the cans and reveal your most embarrassing secrets! The Gangplank to Freedom (copyright pending) is only moments away! Call now!

Watchin' the game, drinkin' a university-approved beverage

2008-02-04T19:48:00.000-05:00

Before I get started, I just wanted to thank everyone who watched and spread the word about my Cloverfield review. In just one week, it's amassed nearly twice as many views as both of the "Bread" videos combined.

I watched the Super Bowl last night. Not because I cared about either of the teams (no one in the South did this year) or about football in general, but because it was convenient. You see, over the past several months my roommate and I have been trying to put together a TV show for Mercer99, the campus closed-circuit network (we'll probably put it on the Internet, too). What do these things have to do with each other? I'll explain in a few moments.

Let me educate you on some of the harsh realities of student filmmaking. There seems to be a misconception among most people that making a TV show or movie consists of simply printing a script, hiring random actors, and "letting the camera roll." You might be thinking, "Hey! I never assumed that!" Well, that's because you're not most people; you're my beloved readers.

In fact, making any sort of film is a time-consuming and complex process. We don't just "let the camera roll." Cameras are fickle machines, and in many situations need to be adjusted constantly. John does the majority of the camera work, and we've had assistance from at least two others that I remember. And when we're not being accosted by the police (because carrying a camera automatically makes you look like a terrorist/burglar/stalker/journalist), we're trying to keep senior citizens from walking right in front of the lens.

In addition, Mercer99 has an extremely limited budget. And by, "extremely limited budget," I mean, "they have no money and I need to pay for everything." Getting decent sound is the most annoying part about this. We can't afford a boom mic, so we often have to improvise using one of our two standard microphones. Remember the opening shot of "American Safari"? The only reason you could hear me was because we had a guy lying on the ground pointing a mic towards my face. The cord wasn't long enough, so we attached it to a folded umbrella with electrical tape and ribbon.

Then, of course, there's the people involved. I won't talk trash about them, because they're cool for the most part. But generally speaking, about half the people you want will show up to a scheduled shoot, and at least one will not have read the script (once we had to improvise an entire scene due to this problem). And to top it off, finding extras can be absolutely infuriating! When trying to gather extras, I tend to get one of three responses:

"No, I have to : a.) study for the rest of my life; b.) eat for three hours; c.) hang out with several people I already see on a daily basis."
"Errrmmyeeeaaahhhwelllll I dunno, I think I maaayyy have soommmmething at sometime with someone laaaaater, so maayyyyybeeeee...ummm...I'll, uuhhhhh, call you." [these people never show up]
"Cool! Sounds fun!" [There's a 75% chance of cancellation. This usually occurs within 30 minutes of filming].

Which leads me to why I chose the Super Bowl, one of the least logical days of the year, to film a scene for my show: incentive. We got nachos, pizza, and brownies (thanks Mom) to eat, and freakin' projector from the school media center to watch the game on. John and I invited everyone we could think of to come and hang out in exchange for being on the camera for a few minutes. We had a decent turnout with great people, and the scene turned out better than I'd hoped for. Not as good as I'd fantasized, but better than I'd hoped for (then again, I tend to set my expectations way too high).

So what's the moral in this? I think it's, "Don't try to make a student film," or maybe, "Pick a major with real-world application." Yeah, I think it's the second one.

To Infinity and Beyond

2008-01-28T20:47:00.000-05:00

So I'm happy to say the Paris Hilton hasn't been in the news lately. Unfortunately, I discovered via Facebook that she has a starring role in an upcoming romantic comedy, "The Hottie and the Nottie." I was just as surprised as anyone to find out that Hilton is playing the part of the "hottie," playing opposite Christine Lakin, who, in my opinion, is the more attractive of the two.

After looking through some promotional photos for the movie, I made a startling discovery: Paris Hilton never changes her facial expression. I'm not kidding. Even for the shots she wasn't actually modeling for, her face looks exactly the same. I was going to make a slide show of various Paris Hilton photos to demonstrate my point, but someone at ytmnd.com beat me to it. After that, I was going to go on a tangent on how Paris must be some sort of android or mannequin brought to life by magical elves, but it didn't end up as funny as I wanted. Besides, that guy at ytmnd already covered that territory.

So instead, I'm going to regale you on my adventures in video gaming, since my adventures in real life are just that boring. I just today completed Super Mario Galaxy, which is, in my opinion, the best game ever made. I did just about everything in this game, including collecting the secret 121st star as both Mario and Luigi. The only thing I haven't done is gather 9,999 star bits, which turns every coconut (yes, there are coconuts in Mario games now) into a watermelon. I have no idea what possessed the developers to include that feature.

The point is that I've spent a lot of time playing Super Mario Galaxy, and in that time, I've made some interesting discoveries. I made a list of the most interesting aspects of the game and compiled them into what I like to call:

The Top Ten Things You Didn't Know About Super Mario Galaxy

In order to create a sense of realism, there are six levels which require Mario (a plumber) to fix toilets.
Yoshi is entirely absent from the game. This is explained as being due to a grisly drunken speedboating accident. There were no survivors.
The penalty for failure in any task is death. For example, failing to collect 100 purple coins which have no monetary value and ultimately serve no purpose will cause a robot to stab you in the abdomen.
During an interview, Mario creator Shigeru Miyamoto stated, "While 80% of the levels were made to be enjoyed by all, 20% were designed solely to make people suffer."*
Upon defeating Bowser, a short video by the Italian anti-defamation league is played, stating that it, "does-a not support the stereotypes presented in-a this-a game."**
That loudmouthed Toad finally gets what's coming to him.
In contrast to previous installments in the Mario franchise, Luigi's character has developed into a motorcycle-riding loner who plays by his own rules.
Princess peach heavily implies that Mario is secretly involved with the mafia.
I you press A-C-Z-Z-A-1-B-2-A, you get to see a deleted scene in which Bowser Jr. performs George Carlin's famous "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" routine.
The traditional Mario theme song is replaced by the Metallica song, "St. Anger."

Amazing, isn't it? I didn't think it was possible for one game to include so much enriching content, but seeing it firsthand gives me hope that we are entering a new era of quality entertainment.

*Not a real quote.
**Also not a real quote.

Cloverfield: The Review

2008-01-21T22:06:00.001-05:00

While I don't have a Firewire cable, I figured out a convoluted scheme to get my review of Cloverfield online in a much higher quality than before. I decided to do the review in a similar style to the movie itself. Enjoy!

Hillary Clinton and the Cloverfield Monster

2008-01-21T18:52:00.000-05:00

No, they actually have nothing to do with each other. Bill Clinton spoke at my school today about Hillary's campaign. I didn't attend the rally; I just saw the line for the rally extending form the University Center past my apartment building and all the way into the street. So after my roommate and I ran out to interview some folks for Mercer99, we recorded a video review of the movie Cloverfield. Unfortunately, because I don't have a 4:4 Firewire cable, I can't import the video without it looking terrible. So until my new cable arrives in the mail, you'll just have to wait for that.

John and I were at Wal-Mart earlier today to look for said cable (which obviously wasn't there), as well as a few groceries. We had a total of eight items between us, so we headed over to the "10 Items or Less," or "Speedy Checkout" lane. In front of us was a woman who I can only assume was making purchases for three separate people, since she had 29 items in her cart. And for some reason, the cashier served her anyway.

I've decided I have a new mission in life. I'm going to have a stamp custom-made with the phrase, "You are not special" written on it backwards. I will go around to people who do things like bring nearly 30 items to the express checkout and slap the stamp on their foreheads. Then, after I get yelled at and the person threatens to file a lawsuit, he or she will go to the bathroom to wash his or her face. That's when the person will look in the mirror and maybe get some perspective in life.

There are certain people who will get this stamp, including (but not limited to):

People who believe low-wage jobs are easy.
Everybody who says they like caviar (they're all lying).
People who double park so nobody will park next to their cars.
The current president of the Student Government.
People who think they can shove their Master's Degree in my face to make me feel small (that's another story).
Every politician.
Anyone who thinks revving their car engine is cool.

I could go on, but I think this is less funny than I initially intended. Don't worry. The video movie review is great. I'll give you a hint about what's in it: Do you like Luke Perry? Yeah, it would be awesome if he were in the video.

EDIT: I have just been informed that the parking practice I was referring to is actually called "straddling," that is, when someone parks over the line of a parking space.

Aaand he's back

2008-01-14T19:26:00.000-05:00

Hello again! I'm sure my legions of readers (I think there are about five now) were concerned that I would be stopping my Monday updates. Not so! I've just been pretty busy the last couple of weeks. Plus, there was that one time I had a hangnail that hurt really, really badly. I mean, who can concentrate on anything when you have a hangnail? But be assured that nothing should stop me from doing my normal updates from now on.

I'm only taking a couple of regular classes this semester, along with an independent study course. The two courses I have to actually visit each week are a lecture course on the Old Testament, and my Senior Capstone (yeah, I don't know what it means, either) seminar about genetic engineering.

I have been able to gather two things from all religion and science courses I've ever taken. The first is that we don't know anything. Seriously, every lecture and every textbook in science and religion courses is just a series of conjectures about things we don't know yet. The second thing I learned is that the direction we as a society are going in these fields will inevitably lead to zombie attacks.

Yeah, yeah, I know I've gone on about zombies before, but I'm serious this time! Like Al Gore serious (Nobel Prize, please)! You know how the book of Revelation predicts the resurrection of the dead? Well, science is bringing us closer than ever before! I read an article in the New York Times about how scientists at the University of Minnesota grew a rat heart from baby rat heart cells. What does this have to do with zombies? They grew the new heart inside the remains of a dead rat heart! First it's zombie rat hearts, next we'll have zombie rat livers and small intestines, and finally, entire zombie rats! Unless those people in Minnesota keep shotguns and baseball bats in their labs, we'll be facing a squeaking infestation of the undead in the next few years. Start stocking up on ammo now. You'll thank me later.

Year-Not-In-Review

2007-12-30T00:03:00.000-05:00

After taking a break for a couple of weeks, I'm back to give you a little twist on the typical year-in-review. Instead of reviewing all the great adventures I've been on and stories I've told you, I'm going to give you bite-sized chunks of all the stuff I wanted to write but never did, either because I was too lazy or I found something more interesting to occupy my time. So, here we go:

Vanessa Hudgens is Vain

The co-star of the wildly popular Disney franchise made headlines when somebody found naked pictures of her online, allegedly meant for teen superhunk Drake Bell of Nickelodeon's "Drake and Josh". Fans were shocked, but seriously, we should have seen it coming. Any Google search for a celebrity's name followed by the word, "naked" is going to yield several thousand results.

This event has caused me to doubt Hudgens' ability to be a role model for children, not because she was taking naked pictures of herself, but because the photos reveal the shallower aspects of her personality. First, if you're attracted to a young man and your first thought is, "I'm so hot, I'm gonna send naked pictures of myself to this guy," someone needs to slap you in the face. Second, I think Vanessa's attraction to Drake shows that she's the kind of girl solely interested in looks. Don't believe me? Check out a side-by-side comparison of Drake Bell and Hudgen's current boyfriend, Zac Efron. They're practically clones:

Bill Hicks is Overrated

Okay, so I could get into serious trouble for this, as his fan base is extremely loyal and would kill for him on command, were he still alive. A few of his fans have even compared him to Jesus Christ. For those of you who don't know, Bill Hicks was a stand-up comedian known for his searing jabs at American culture and his Kennedy assassination conspiracy theories. I respect the heck out of him for his refusal to be silenced even in the face of the harshest criticism, and I love that he was brave enough to voice an opinion that most of the country didn't agree with. But my three problems with him are that he had a "me against the world" attitude that drives me up the wall, he was a textbook case of the pseudo-intellectual (the guy was well-read, but he tended to jump to conclusions), and finally, he just wasn't funny.

Martha Stewart's Apple Pie Stinks

I baked a pie, following Martha's recipe to the letter. It tasted awful. From now on, I'm using the recipe in the book Carol got me at the church charity sale, which is delicious (the pie recipe, not the book).

The Most Ridiculous Holiday Products of 2007

Every year, the Christmas products get weirder. Among the craziest were a snowman keg, angel ornaments engraved with sarcastic messages, and a Spider-Man 3 Santa hat (located next to the Spider-Man 3 stocking at Target). I couldn't really find anything other than those.

The Top Three Other Things We'd Like to Say to Our Customers

Yes, I'm working at Regal again over winter break. I wanted to go on a big rant, but between teenage customers trying to get high off popcorn salt and being mentally undressed by women twice my age, it wouldn't be anything you haven't heard before. So I've decided to sum up all my frustrations with the three things every Regal employee would like to say to their customers:

1. You are not special.
2. You have never been special.
3. Continuing to complain will not make you special.

That's it for the Year-Not-In-Review. I look forward to having more of these little chats with you in 2008. Peace out, everybody.

Stuff this week and Proof, Part I

2007-12-10T12:43:00.000-05:00

It's weird to think that it's already the middle of December. I can't decide whether it's because the school year went by so fast or because it's currently seventy-six degrees outside. I've been watching the weather forecasts lately, and I'm pretty sure the National Weather Service has completely given up on predicting the weather for Georgia, since the high and low predicted temperatures on an average day are about thirty degrees apart.

So this is Mercer University's final exam week. I've completed one test and one project so far, so that just leaves two essays and one more test. I'm exhausted, and it's only Monday. Anyway, since it's winter everywhere else in the country, I thought I'd share my home made snowman screen saver with you. It's the same one I made last year, only this one doesn't have an obnoxious label on it and it won't expire.

I want to make you all laugh this week, but since I don't have a lot of spare time, I'll just share this photo with you instead. This was taken at a shopping center parking lot near my house, and I could barely breathe from laughing so hard when I saw it. I've made it a part of a new series I plan to publish here now and again, entitled Proof that We Don't Know what We're Doing.

A Tribute to Fruitcake

2007-12-03T13:58:00.000-05:00

Despite the 200-year commercialization of my favorite holiday, there's no denying that everyone enjoys receiving gifts, and some people enjoy giving them (so every once in a while, it's a win-win situation!). Nobody knows this more than me. I used to go through Sharper Image catalogs when I was young, circling what I wanted Santa to give me that year. Of course, I never got those things because everything Sharper Image sells is overpriced and serves no real purpose. And I like to think I'm a better person for not getting any of that stuff.

New gifts come out every year, and there's usually one that everyone wants to get their hands on. In the 90s we had Tickle-Me Elmo and Furby, last year we had the Nintendo Wii, and this year...actually, it's probably still the Wii. But there is one item that continues to show up on store shelves every holiday season without fail: the fruitcake. Whether you're at a grocery store, a big box retailer, or the local mall, you're bound to find at least five metric tons of fruitcake somewhere inside.

Nobody likes fruitcake. I have never had the word "fruitcake" come up in a conversation without seeing a look of revulsion on all listening. So why do the food companies continue to sell it to us? Is there some meeting that all the market researchers in the United States forgot to attend? I decided to do a little research on the subject, and found some startling facts.

I first looked to my education in Mercer's Christianity department. As it turns out, the origin of fruitcake can be found in a long-lost piece of biblical scripture that was never canonized, called The Book of Festivities. The book explains how fruitcake was created by God as a punishment for unfaithful early Christians.

"Jesus said to the Lord, 'Father, the men of the world have used my birthday as an excuse to make money and engage in mindless eggnog-induced merrymaking. Also, they buy presents for everyone except me!' And thus the Lord said, 'Let there be a plague upon the earth. I will create a pastry most foul, and feed it to the masses as punishment for forgetting the Son on His birthday. They will quickly forget how much they hate it, and thus consume it again every following year!'"
-The Book of Festivities, 3:12-17

The original fruitcakes were lost over several hundred years, the last recorded sighting being in the early crusades where it was used as an effective but unwieldy blunt weapon. In the early nineteenth century, a young entrepreneur named Matthew Shrinkalheimer discovered the ancient scriptures and medieval documents which had been long-forgotten in the Library of Congress archives. He set to work recreating the pastry, and in 1818, every fruitcake in existence was baked. To this day, not a single fruitcake factory has been in operation, since most of the cakes made then have yet to be sold.

Well, I hope this has been enlightening for you. I know that my life has been enriched through this knowledge, and I hope you feel enriched as well. To my fellow students, I wish you the best of luck on your final exams, and to everyone I wish a happy holiday season.

Phoning it in again!

2007-11-26T21:34:00.000-05:00

Hey, everybody! I've got essentially two projects due for the same class this week, so head on over to Jim's Favorites for a holiday entry!

The Best of the Worst

2007-11-18T16:34:00.000-05:00

Last week was incredibly busy (the second week of November always is), so I didn't get a chance to update and thank everybody who voted for American Safari: University Campus. All of us at Mercer 99 appreciate your support. To be totally honest, I don't think we'll get first prize, as there were other films with much larger groups of people voting (we're talking many times larger than our group), and there were others that, in my opinion, deserve to win more than we do. One of my personal favorites is A Great Fall from the folks at Ithaca College, about Humpty Dumpty's struggles in modern America. However I do think we will get a spot in the top 25.

There is an interesting mix of videos in the Insomnia gallery. There are several mediocre films sprinkled here and there with a few works of excellence. These movies were drowning an ocean of phenomenally bad ones. The majority of the films I watched made me think, "I didn't pay to watch this, but somehow I still want my money back."

After a watching a few student films, it became easy to identify which ones would be bad before they even played. All one has to do is read the film description. If it has the word, "allegory," "metaphor," "symbolism," "social commentary," or something similar, odds are ten to one it's awful. I am convinced that the movies in the Insomnia gallery are the sole reason student films have a bad reputation.

There are two truly terrible films that stand out to me, and I wanted to link to them here. Sadly, my conscience got the best of me. No matter bad some of the movies are, people still worked really hard on them (well, some of them), and I don't want to risk hurting anyone's feelings. Instead, I'd like to give you colorful descriptions of them, completely unfettered by the fact that I'm competing against them. I've changed the titles so as not to hurt feelings or incur lawsuits. So, without further ado,

"The Best of the Worst"
An Even-Handed Review of Some Films in the Insomnia Film Gallery

Flower Show - The scene begins with a farmer planting and watering four seeds. Just four. I'm guessing that's all he could afford this season. Soon the seeds grow into flowers, except, wait, they're not flowers; they're people dressed in green scrubs with tissue paper on their heads! The soundtrack, a woman singing, "DA da da da da da da DA da da da da," plays in the background. She doesn't stop for two minutes, when she starts humming. Anyway, the farmer comes out and checks the flower-people, picking one and chopping it up to make a salad. Another flower sees the farmer eating the salad and uproots himself in order to escape, trying to rescue the other flowers as well. The farmer attacks the flower, pulling off a glove (I guess flowers wear gloves now), revealing a bloody/dirty hand. I couldn't really tell if it was blood or dirt. So the flower guy get knocked out and wakes up tied to a chair in a pit or something, and starts tearing off his costume. The farmer attacks, and-get this-the flower vaporizes him! All that's left of the guy is his overalls, which start moving around and end up on the flower dude. The end.
I give this movie one stinky sock out of five. It gets cool points for the moving overalls, as well as the award for most painful soundtrack.

Other reviews:
"Amazing!!! Very interesting and deep without extra fluff."
-Linda

"Great film - the visuals are excellent, the concept is innovative, and the background music is my favorite part of the film."
-Amanda

Our Very First Movie - According to the description, this is a symbolic film about Buddhism (which they misspelled), Marxism, and meditation. They also used the "learning method," meaning they made it up as it went along, and used a bunch of film terms incorrectly in their description. In other words, this team's members were full of themselves and didn't know how to write a narrative. It begins with a man in a tuxedo with a red rope handing from his left shoulder. His inner monologue states some philosophical stuff that, upon analysis, really doesn't mean anything. I think the writer just likes big words. Suddenly he's on a park bench. He gets up, and the film fast-forwards as he stabs the air-wait, now there's tree there-with a knife, because he just likes to carry it around and stab stuff. He tries to cut off a twig, and we assume he succeeds, because suddenly he's back on the park bench, except now the twig is a pencil! He's carving it with the knife, because everyone knows Marxists are too good for pencil sharpeners. Next he's back at the tree again, this time stabbing it with the pencil. I'm guessing he has some sort of grudge against this tree. The pencil breaks and falls to the ground, which is somehow surprising to this man. He decides to bury the pencil stub, and faster than you can say, "abra cadabra," it turns into a pumpkin! Next, he's inside a building, examining a one of those twisty pens very closely, since he apparently has never seen one before. He moves the pen as if he's about to write something on the air, when suddenly he's transported to an empty classroom, where her draws and asterisk on his wrist. Finally, we hit the title card. At a minute and forty seconds. In a three-minute film. So once the title finishes playing, he's suddenly in yet another room (this happens a lot; it must be disorienting for him), to put the pencil, the twisty pen, and another pen in a bird cage. Somehow they all morph into a single sharpie, which he uses to draw lines under his eyes. Then he draws lines under another guy's eyes. Suddenly they're both in some park - or rooftop - or something (I dunno, it's a place made of concrete with some lights), lying down on benches. There are a total of eight, two in each corner of the, um, place they're in. The film changes from real time to fast motion as the men move from corner to corner, eventually walking up to a big silvery modern art sculpture in the center. They touch it and-here's the best part-turn into BLUE AND GREEN ENERGY BALLS! The screen fades to white and the film comes to an abrupt end. Thank goodness.
This film gets three minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

Other reviews:

"can I get my 3 minutes back....??? time was wasted."
-Aurelio

"dumb"
-Steven

Halloween in the 21st Century

2007-11-01T17:07:00.000-04:00

Halloween has come and gone, and it had me thinking about something that's been bothering me more and more over the years: Halloween keeps getting less fun, in a process I like to call, "Lame-ification."

There seems to be a growing segment of the population that is trying to slowly starve the spirit of Halloween until it finally begs for death, as that would be much less cruel than what it's currently going through, all in the name of "safety". I think this group is made up of people who:

A.) Believe every urban legend about poisoned candy and razor blades they hear.
B.) Hate children.
C.) Never were children.
D.) Are just tired of buying big bags of Halloween candy twice a year (everyone inevitably eats the first bag themselves)

I'd like to explain this theory in a segment I like to call:

The Top 4 Reasons Halloween is Becoming Lame

1. Light bulbs for Jack O'Lanterns.
One of those things that shouldn't bug me, but does anyway. Part of me says, "Well, they are safer than open flames," but then the sane part of me says, "What the @%# is wrong with you? Those 'open flames' are inside GOURDS! Gourds that are probably 80% WATER!" I read on a Halloween safety website that if you do use candles, keep your Jack O'Lantern far away from where trick-or-treaters might walk, so as to prevent loose parts of costumes from blowing into the flame. I'd like to explain how asinine this idea is. The average Jack O'Lantern looks like this:

There are only two ways a costume can blow inside the gourd and catch fire. This first is if the entire costume is made of loose yarn long enough to get through the holes and to the candle. The second is if your Jack O'Lantern looks like this:

One of the things I like about having a candle inside a pumpkin is that the flickering flame really seems to bring the whole setup to life. When the candle shines brightly, maybe it's happy, but when the wind blows and it gets dark inside, perhaps it's sad, or giving a Halloween warning of doom. DOOOOM! Little color-changing LEDs just look...artificial.

2. Trick-or-Treating curfews
This doesn't apply everywhere, but I remember when I lived in the Chicago suburbs about ten years ago, the local neighborhoods set a curfew for trick-or-treating (I think it was sometime around 8:30 pm, right around sunset. Remember that the time changes were different back then). My brother and I actually got turned down at one house. The woman at the door said, very coldly, "No. Trick-or-Treating is over."

Back between the ages of 4 and 11, it was a family rule that we didn't start trick-or-treating until sunset. Why? Because it's scarier! That's what used to be so much fun! But I guess those concerned parents don't want their kids running around after dark in those oh-so-dangerous suburbs. Why are they letting their kids out by themselves anyway?! That's right, I'm actually siding with the safety nuts on that issue! If these dumb parents would just go out with their kids on Halloween, you wouldn't get over five million results on a Google search for, "Halloween safety tips."

3. "Healthy alternatives" to candy
I've heard many different ideas for combating obesity, and this one is probably the worst. Suggested replacements for candy I've seen include: cereal, raisins, pencil toppers, loose change, and fake money. I'm really not kidding with the last one, somebody out there thought it was a good idea to hand out fake money as a Halloween treat. Just when I thought it didn't get any worse than pennies, it did. Listen, if you want to give out raisins or fake money to Trick-or-Treaters, maybe you ought to just leave a few cartons of eggs outside your door with a note saying, "Go for it!" That'll at least save you the trouble of getting up every time the doorbell rings.

4. Reflective Tape.
I should really hope I don't have to explain this, but here goes. Reflective tape is very useful for construction workers and law enforcement officials. One day, some neurotic soccer mom thought to herself, "Hey! Since my kids are incapable of using sidewalks, I'll slap some orange tape to their Halloween costumes so they don't get run over by people who drive like...well, me! There's no way it'll make my kids look totally dorky!"

Please, if there are any parents reading this, don't ever make your kids wear reflective tape on Halloween. I promise they'd much rather get their legs broken by a drunk driver than get caught dead by a classmate wearing that shiny stuff.

So that's my two cents on Halloween in the 21st century. Time to get started on something absurd to write about next week. Maybe the "Environmental Media Awards." Have you seen that commercial? I honestly think Ryan Seacrest have never been a bigger jerk.

Great big spooky craziness!

2007-10-29T11:25:00.000-04:00

Halloween, one of my favorite times of year, is only two days away. And just like last year, Ill be studying. What is it with teachers and Halloween? It seems like every year there's at least one professor who assigns an incredibly important essay or exam to be turned in November 1. There are parties going on tomorrow which I would normally attend, but can't because that same professor wants the class to meet at the same time they're being held. I swear! It's like there's an anti-Halloween conspiracy within America's educational institutions.

Now that I'm done complaining, I think I'll talk about all the spooky stuff that makes Halloween great. Mercer is about 170 years old, so we have our share of ghost stories, the most famous of which is of the girl who allegedly hanged herself in the freshmen girls' dormitory and haunts it to this day (a story which was thoroughly debunked by my old friend Katherine). I personally don't believe in such things, but I will admit there are some freaky places on campus.

For me, the scariest place is the administration building. It's a tall structure, I'd say between 75 and 100 feet high, and is about a century old. You can get to the top via a huge spiral staircase, and the internal walls are adorned with portraits of very serious-looking dead guys that stare out the windows. I can't put my finger on it, but something about that place creeps me out like nothing else, especially at night. Maybe it's the portraits of the dead guys.

Here's a frightening true story for you: I remember one time I was taking a late-night walk around campus with my girlfriend. I told her of my irrational fear of the administration building, which prompted her to drag me straight to it (I mean that literally - I don't like that building!). As soon as we got within ten feet of it, all the power on campus went out. I, of course, shrieked like a little girl and ran away. Carol could barely stand up from laughing so hard.

Ever since then, I can't help but feel like I'm being watched, like something is following me wherever I go, plotting to bring harm to me, or worse, my loved ones. Sometimes I hear voices late at night, or heavy breathing just outside my door. Wait, what's that? I think I just heard something now. What's that over there? Did you see that?! There is is again! Wait, no, not you! Somebody help! It's more horrible than I could have imagined!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Yes, you do have to fill out the form

2007-10-22T19:12:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately, to vote on the Insomnia submissions, you do have to fill out that registration form. I honestly have no idea why. I think the phrase "Captain Information" is a mistype. Actually, I think the whole registration page is a mistake. I spent an hour on the phone with Apple today, and nobody was aware of this problem. Bleh. I wanted to go into a big rant about Apple, but I don't think that would be a good idea at this point. I'm really tired today, so I think that's all the writing for today. Peace out.

It's Voting Time!

2007-10-19T01:08:00.000-04:00

On Monday, I told you about Mercer 99's entry in Apple's Insomnia Film Festival. Well, today marks the beginning of voting season! Today through November 9th, anybody with an Apple ID can vote on the various movies' scores in this year's festival. You can give each film between zero and four stars, zero being the lowest score, and four being the highest. Please remember that YouTube ratings do not count; only the Apple ratings matter. Every link you'll need for more information on voting and the Festival in general is below. Remember to tell your friends to vote, too! I can personally attest that everybody on the team deserves a lot of praise for all the hard work they did (Especially our editors. Though their nitpicking nearly drove me insane, we wouldn't have qualified without their ridiculously observant eyes). Thanks in advance to everyone who votes, and on behalf of Mercer 99, we hope you enjoy the film!

Links:

Apple's Insomnia Film Festival Home Page

Create an Apple ID

Mercer 99's submission - American Safari:University Campus

Voting Reminder

2007-10-18T12:35:00.001-04:00

I just wanted to remind you that official voting on Apple's Insomnia Film Festival begins tomorrow (Friday, October 19, 2007). That specific reminder is there because there's something wrong with my blog time stamp, so it says my posts are up the day before I actually make them. I'll be posting a link to the voting site sometime tomorrow once the video is up on Apple's website.

Now, the video is available on Facebook and YouTube, and I encourage you to view it and comment on those sites. However, it you want to vote for us in the Apple festival, you need to vote on Apple's website. Apple doesn't care about the YouTube rating or Facebook comments (but that doesn't mean we love them any less).

Peace out.

Super-Important Big News! Pay Attention!

2007-10-14T15:15:00.000-04:00

Some of us at Mercer 99 got together and entered Apple's Insomnia Film Festival yesterday. The challenge was to create a three-minute film in twenty-four hours, following certain criteria set by Apple. From beginning to end, it took just over twenty-one (though my spirit broke and I went to bed after eighteen while our resident engineers finished editing). We all nearly strangled each other.

The festival will have two winners: one selected by a panel of judges and one chosen by you, the people that made me the mildly awesome person I am today. I hope everyone will enjoy the movie (written by and starring yours truly) once it's made public this Friday. On that day, I will update my blog with a link to the voting site. You need an Apple ID to vote, which you can create at this link if you don't have one already. So remember to come back here on Friday for an update! Tell your family and friends to vote, too! It's their constitutional right! And if you're against voting, I guess you're just a communist. It's just as well, because commies aren't in my target audience anyway. Lousy reds.

To keep you entertained until this Friday, I'll share another creation of mine. I was trying to make Halloween Funfetti cupcakes in a pumpkin-shaped muffin tin last week. The problem is, I forgot to grease the tin, so all the poor pumpkins' faces got ripped off. My roommate and I decided to salvage the scraps and put them together into one big lump. By pure coincidence, it ended up looking slightly like a ghost. The roomie added a couple of bubblegum eyeballs, and viola! Our masterpiece was complete.

Television stuff

2007-10-08T21:32:00.001-04:00

So I watched a lot of TV this weekend. Like, way too much. We got OnDemand at my house recently, so I can watch all the cheesy cartoons and B horror movies I want. And before I get into the meat of this week's rant, I have a message to all past, present, and future creators of zombie films:

Zombies are not supposed to be smart. They are not supposed to be able to work machinery, make complex plans, or fall in love. And most of all, they are not supposed know that they are scary, causing them to lurk around like a "Power Rangers" villain.

Okay, now that I'm done with that, let's talk about the news. Some people already know my opinion of cable news networks, and it has yet to change. Britney Spears is in the news again, and I still don't care. You know, I'm usually for bashing celebrities, but hasn't our media bugged her enough? You'd think the paparazzi would've gotten the message when she tried to beat them with an umbrella. Call me old-fashioned, but in my day, that usually meant, "stay the heck away!"

The other story bugging me is this nonsense over the cheer leading teacher. Honestly, what is the big deal? I can't see how she did anything wrong other than waste class time. If I know high school students, they probably coaxed her into doing it, anyway. The most punishment she should have received was a warning to stop wasting time, and perhaps a quick rap on the knuckles (like I said, some might call me old-fashioned). I mean, that stupid cheer doesn't necessarily indicate that she's a bad teacher. One of the best science teachers I ever had once stood on a desk and danced while singing the "Spider-Man" cartoon theme song. He did it to demonstrate how to properly form a hypothesis. Seriously!

The big issue I have, though, is the media coverage, which can be summed up with this question:

Since when did YouTube videos become a source of national news?!

I mean why? Why?! Seriously, I want someone to answer this question. I can't remember ever seeing a YouTube video that was important enough to warrant national attention. And if you can justify using YouTube as a news source, then please explain to me why my videos aren't on TV yet? At least mine are mildly funny.

Monday Updates!

2007-10-01T14:24:00.000-04:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, after a two-week absence, I have decided to resume my weekly updates on Mondays from now on. Why? Well, because last time I checked, this is America.

So I'm living in an apartment this school year, which has been fun. One of the best parts is having a full kitchen, and I am proud to say that I have only used my microwave five times this semester (and one of those times was to melt butter for a cookie recipe), and I have yet to eat a single package of Ramen. I will, however, admit to having the occasional frozen pizza.

I've found that I really enjoy cooking, as it allows me to feel like I'm doing something productive so I feel less guilty when I put off studying. I've actually gotten to the point where the things I cook actually taste decent. Now you may be asking yourself, "how do you manage to cook so many tasty meals by yourself?" Well, I'm about to tell you a secret about my cooking, the thing that brings out the delicious flavors of my creations. And here it is:

Yep, that's right, Kroger seasoned salt. I use it on beef, pasta, chili, eggs, grilled cheese, chicken alfredo, and just about all the other 95% of the meals I make with a frying pan. You could probably butter a slice of bread, shake some of this stuff on it, and fry it up by itself and it would be delicious. In fact, I think I'll go try that now. But before I go, I wanted to let you know that Carol and I have begun work on an animated short which I plan to release between early and mid-December. I'm keeping lid on what it's about, but I'll give you a hint with this hilarious set of photos I took at the local Target (click on them to see more detail).

Peace out.

Things I Think About All Day

2007-09-13T21:02:00.000-04:00

So I'm taking screenwriting class this semester. The whole course is centered on the goal of writing a full-length movie screenplay by December. You know, it's amazing how many horrible ideas you can come up with before thinking of a good one. Seriously, you should try this: Think of a movie you'd like to see and write a "log line," that is, a one-sentence description of it. This can usually be accomplished with this format:

"It is about ________ who ________ but _____________."

It's really that simple. You don't have to use that exact wording, but it should more or less get the same message across. Now, write out several of these, then put them away. Take them out again after one or two days have passed, read them again, and come to the realization why movies like American Pie and Saw exist.

I chose to write a superhero themed comedy that I'm sure will go nowhere, but it was probably the least lame idea I had. Here are a few others:

Searching for the Prince: A married couple falls for an email advance fee scam, and travels across the world to track down the culprit personally.

Hair Destruction: As a result of a bad haircut, a teenage boy's hair comes to life and begins devouring people while the boy remains unaware (loosely based on my brother's life).

The Ultimate Movie: Spider-Man pays a visit to Hogwarts, where he and Harry Potter must face off against X-Men's Juggernaut, who has joined forces with the Venom symbiote (this one actually came to me in a dream).

I really wish I was kidding, folks. The film industry isn't creatively bankrupt, it's just that most movie ideas are much, much worse than what actually gets made.

Dragon*Con 2007

2007-09-06T20:25:00.000-04:00

Hey everybody, sorry about last week's absence. But I hope to make up for it this week, because I had a real adventure on Sunday: My brother, our friend Scott, and I went to Dragon*Con in downtown Atlanta. For those of you unfamiliar with Dragon*Con, it's basically a yearly event where the nerds of the Southeast get together to celebrate their nerdiness...nerd-dom...nerdocity...yeah, I like that one. Let's call it nerdocity. Anyway, this is one of the few places where being called a geek is complimentary, and gratuitous nudity is not only accepted, but encouraged. You couldn't walk ten feet without practically being flashed by a vampiress or alien chick. There might as well have been a sign out front saying, "Welcome to Dragon*Con! Ladies may get naked at the door."

On a different note, I brought back interesting photos from the convention (no, they're not of naked aliens and vampires, you pervert) that I hope you'll enjoy.

Jim's Dragon*Con 2007 Photos

This is one of the first things we saw at the 'Con. This big guy had a sign attached to it with a disturbingly appropriate ad for a blood drive.

That handsome devil on the left is a sand person from Star Wars. I'm not sure how that creepy guy on the right got past security, though.

There were a bunch of these guys at a booth at one of the hotels. They actually worked, too! I still just can't figure out how anybody could understand what they were saying in the Star Wars movies.

Ah, yes. Nothing quite gets you into the Christmas spirit like Cthulhu, the evil monster who will one day destroy us all.

This is Scott with one of Darth Vader's lesser-known soldiers: The Kilt Trooper.

Heck yeah! No toy collection would be complete without Lost's official Hurley action figure. It even comes with his winning lottery ticket!

Without a doubt, this man had the best costume at Dragon*Con. Meet the Home Depot cardboard box robot! Watch out for the creepy guy on the left! You don't want to know what he did to the sand person!

That's all the photos for now. I've got some more on film; I just need to get them developed. Until next time, keep cool and stay nerdacious (that's a good one, too!).

If I were making this up, it would still be awesome

2007-08-23T22:24:00.000-04:00

Hey everybody, sorry for the late entry. I've been distracted by some stressful personal issues which have severely increased my blood pressure. Anyway, on to the funny (which makes me feel better anyway).

I realized this week that my senior year at college may be the best ever. When I bought my textbooks at the campus store, one of my dreams came true. Among my extensive list of books for my "Literature and Film" course was this:

That's right, I own a textbook with frickin' Spider-Man on the cover! How cool is that? All day I was like,

"Hey man, what's that you got there, a physics book? And what's that on the cover, some equations and geometric models? Yeah, that's pretty cool, unless you've seen this! SHAZAM!"

Just in case you need the visual, I whip out the book and do a little dance when I say, "SHAZAM." Who needs to read about famous scientists and philosophers when you've got a book with the wall-crawler himself on the cover?

Truck vs Bread

2007-08-11T13:32:00.000-04:00

You read right, ladies and gentlemen, today marks the release of the exciting sequel to "Can vs. Bread." But first, I would like to present an open letter to a man you may have heard about in the news recently: Hakim Asour "C. Jack" Ellis, mayor of Macon, Georgia.

Dear Mayor Ellis,

Thank you for being such a nut case. Your "statement of solidarity" with the oppressive, terrorist-supporting Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez and praise for his administration made the last few days of my summer journalism internship some of the most exciting of my life. Covering this story was a blast; I even got the opportunity to have interviews with city council members which were actually considered for broadcast on national television (I don't think they got aired anywhere but central Georgia, but it's still exciting). Getting to meet and talk with politicians trying to salvage my second home's reputation was educational and somewhat awe-inspiring.

The public outcry has been so great that it's sparked legislation to prevent your (also crazy) trip to Venezuela using city funds. Your insanity has brought out the best in the USA's democratic system: the people are outraged, and the legislature is responding by limiting your power. I can confidently say that these events have rekindled my faith in democracy.

Sincerely,

Jim

And now, what you really came here to see: "Truck vs Bread"

Can Vs. Bread

2007-08-06T18:40:00.001-04:00

Before I get started, I just wanted to brag about something. I finally applied my encyclopedic knowledge of cartoons and won a free 1-month subscription to deviantART on Tuesday by answering a "Calvin and Hobbes" trivia question. Now if only I could actually make some money with that...

Anyway, I attended WPGA's "News Kickoff" party last weekend. It wasn't really a party as much as it was a chance to get Central Georgia's high rollers to make commercial investments. It was a black tie event, "black tie" meaning "dressy" and "event" meaning "awkwardly try to make small talk with people you know nothing about and probably have nothing in common with."

There were some real big shots at this thing. My school's former president, business owners, and even mayoral candidates. I even got to talk with the one whose platform is to give Macon back to Native Americans to protect us from terrorists (seriously).

But that's not important right now.

So here I am in Macon, enduring insane heat and humidity. It's like being in a jungle, only instead of exotic animals and beautiful foliage, we have dead possums and those trees that smell kind of like bad chicken. You know the kind I'm talking about.

Actually, I'm usually inside the air-conditioned TV station during the hottest hours of the day. Then I hang out at my pal Chaz's apartment until bedtime, bringing me to the real topic of this post: my first video blog. In this exciting installment, I use my digital camera to record the epic battle between an aluminum can and a loaf of stale bread.

Playtime used to be fun...

2007-08-02T11:12:00.000-04:00

One of the great things about my job is the amount of knowledge to be gained. Not only do I learn things about journalism itself, but there are many facts in the world that we discover before anyone else. For example, Fisher-Price recently recalled 83 of its toys due to excessive lead in the paint. We managed to get a list of these toys, and, quite frankly, I think the world is better off without some of them. It's not because of the lead paint; I'm just worried about the appropriateness of some of these products. Before you get offended by what I've written, keep in mind that I'm not making this up; these are the actual names of toys being marketed to your kids.

Product B7554: Count to Beat Elmo

I'll admit that Elmo can be annoying at times, but does he really deserve a beating? I mean, I'm all for teaching kids to count, but should we really encourage domestic violence?

Product B7987: Elmo in the Giggle Box

This sounds like either another way to torture Elmo or something you'd find in an adult novelty shop. Or both. Let's just move on.

Product B7989: Silly Parts Talking Elmo

Oh, give me a BREAK!

Products H9186, H9188, J5935, and J5936: Giggle Grabber Ernie, Oscar the Grouch, Soccer Elmo and Chef Cookie Monster

How do you grab a giggle?...Great, now I feel filthy. I think I'm going to need a shower now.

Things I learned this week

2007-07-26T18:40:00.000-04:00

After months of resisting working for the news, I find that it's what I'm doing most of the time. And you know what? I'm actually enjoying it. A lot of interesting stuff happens in town that I wouldn't otherwise know about. For example, did you know that sometimes cops use the CB radio to make dinner plans? And every once in a while, hobos like to sleep on the highway. These are just two if the myriad of things I've learned working for the news this week. Here's a list of some more:

When you call people and mention you're from the news, you will receive one of two reactions: mild interest if the person is a business owner, and deep annoyance if he works for the government.
You will never have enough time to finish everything you intended. Ever.
Only journalists know the weird mix of triumph and guilt that comes with seeing a devastating car wreck and thinking, "awesome!"
Everyone in the world is just making things up as they go.
Panic may be the enemy, but he tends to hang around a lot.
Macon.com is routinely visited by bitter, hate-filled people.
Anything, and I mean anything, beats looking up newspaper ads on microfilm.
98% of your most important contacts will not be available when you call.
Our old, recently terminated, news director created a MySpace profile to meet women. Did I mention he's 60 years old? Check it out if you want, but be forewarned - he's not wearing a shirt in his profile picture.

Funny things elsewhere

2007-07-19T17:59:00.000-04:00

Hey people! I've been busy with other projects this week, so I'll do what I always do when I'm pressed for time: phone it in and take a nap. Check out Jim's Favorites for an old post about Christmas.